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    Bitch-Back! Way to Diss the Kiss Cam, Zac!

    Vanessa Hudgens, Zac Efron MTV.com

    Dear Ted:
    Did you see Zac Efron's reaction when the Kiss Cam on MTV Movie Award zoomed in on him and Nessa? He was so reluctant to kiss her. His own girlfriend! The other couples who got the Kiss Cam didn't seem to have the same problem (even Russell Brand and Jonah Hill!). Nessa puckered her lips waiting for Zac to kiss her back, but he was just "bumping" his lips against her. It was not even a peck. What do you think about this?
    —Alice

    Dear Friggin' Uncomfortable:
    What are you talking about, Alice? Didn't you see the passion! The desire! OK, totally agree the moment was holy-crap awkward, which might be one of the reasons Zac was so quick to clam up. No one wants to be first on the Kiss Cam, everyone knows that.

    Dear Ted:
    Tom Cruise
    and Jennifer Lopez performing together? What's the deal? And performing as Les Grossman was just plain gross. What did Jennifer get out of it? Scientology brownie points for agreeing to share the stage with the King of Scientology?
    —Kate

    Dear Dancing Queens:
    Hmmm, what could the two have in common? The fact that their careers are so 2005 and both are in need of a killer comeback, maybe? While their romp was a little bit like watching your mom and dad try to act hip, we definitely laughed—though definitely not as much as kooky Katie Holmes. As for Mr. Grossman, get used to seeing a lot more of him.

    Dear Ted:
    I hated the clip for Eclipse at the MTV Movie Awards. Everyone who has read the book knows that Bella would never treat Edward like that and walk away from him to be with Jacob. It's totally different from the book. Now I am not looking forward to Eclipse. What did you think?
    —Amy

    Dear Boo-red:
    Just as painful to watch as the other clips that have been released, doll. Whoever Taylor's acting coach is should be fired—along with whatever monster is doing Rob's makeup.

    Dear Ted:
    For the Blind Vices who are in the closet and have children, do the kids know their parent is gay? How do they handle knowing their parents' marriage is a sham? Also, how do they keep it secret? Children usually aren't the best secret keepers; it might be easy to blurt it out at school.
    —Michelle

    Dear Think About It:
    Same way nonceleb (closeted) gay parents often treat their kids: silence.

    Dear Ted:
    Please tell me that Dougy Dry-Hump is not Simon Baker. I heart him so much! It would be terrible to find out that this beautiful man is a low-down, dirty player.
    —TDB

    Dear Mental Games:
    Nice guess, but you'll be pleased to know Simon isn't our Dry-Humpin' D-bag. Dougy's got a bit more star power than Simon, hate to say.

    Dear Ted:
    You recently stated that Toothy was still beardless, but what about Grey Goose? Is he currently making the rounds with a beard?
    —Mandy

    Dear Crafty Query:
    Yes.

    Dear Ted:
    What's going on with Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson? She's been pictured without her ring (and her fiancé) a lot lately, and he took his grandma with him to a fashion event in NYC last night. Something is up. Have these two finally called it quits?
    —Virgo

    Dear Trouble in Paradise:
    The duo aren't dunzo yet, but things aren't as perfect as they appear. Gosh, who's been saying that all along?

    Dear Ted:
    As I sit her nursing a sprained ankle three weeks before my wedding, I have become obsessed with the Blind Vices. Instead of wanting to know who Crescent Kumquat is, I just want the details. The dirty ones! Is the Kumquat's tree big? Shrubby or well-manicured? Any details? Any early wedding present perhaps?
    —JML

    Dear Bachelorette Party:
    Hope you're healed up in time for your big day, babe—you should be getting in the mood for your man's tree trunk, not Crescent's. As for C.K., we've got more details than you'd ever want to know about what he's working with.

    Dear Ted:
    What in the world happened to Adrien Brody's career? It got me wondering if he had a B.V. and if it has anything to do with something like a "mystery diet"?
    —J

    Dear Funny You Should Ask:
    We just chatted with Brody, whose career is totally still going strong, hence his press tour—the dude is not too fond of reporters and, might we say, is even more awkward than K.Stew. As for a B.V., yes, once, ages ago, back when he was more interesting.

    Dear Ted:
    The response about Rob dealing with paparazzi differently in a recent Bitch-Back got me thinking about how Rob does deal with the paparazzi? In what way? Special favors? Romps in the sack with a photog?
    Sinead

    Dear Secrets, Secrets:
    It's a personal process, not so much anything he does for those pesky paps.

    Dear Ted:
    I think Betty White is a hoot but have always wondered what happened between her and Bea Arthur. Seems like Bea hated Betty, yet both ladies are and were talented, so I wouldn't think there would be any reason for jealousy. Can you spill on what happened between the two?
    —Chicky

    Dear Old Broads:
    Bea had nasty sitches with all the Golden Girls, but yes, in particular, Betty. I think Arthur, a hard-livin' gal to the nth, knew that Betty was the most talented—other than her—and she always hated that.

    Dear Ted:
    Out of Grey Goose, Dashed Dingle-Dream and Barrington Bang-Me, who is the most famous, who is the cutest and who is the most chill?
    —TB
     

    Dear Three's Company:
    Fame-wise, depends who'd you ask. Probably G2 right now. Otherwise, D3 is the cutest and BBM seems the most chill—though pretty close on all accounts.

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