Bitch-Back! Have We Caught Bieber Fever?

Readers wonder if the teen sensation is an Awful hit

Dear Ted:
What are your thoughts on Justin Bieber? His musical talent leaves a lot to be desired, but I guess I can see why preteens and teens think he is the hottest thing since JTT (remember him?). I've been reading a lot of reports that he is very conceited and has serious 'tude. Do you have Bieber fever? I trust your judgment and sources, so I'll hold off on forming an opinion until I hear yours. Also, does Biebs have a B.V.?
—F

Dear Advil:
Can't say I'm completely sold on the minimogul yet; though, how he held his own on Chelsea Handler has started to sway me toward catching some Bieber fever. Sure, he's adorable like any other tween star, but I think most of his cocky 'tude is just a show of him trying to mimic his idols. When it comes to picking though, I'll take Nick Jonas over Bieber any day. You?

Dear Ted:
Are Jude and Sienna for real? This time around they look so fake. Like, they only got together for publicity, which clearly didn't work as people are not interested in either of them anymore.
—Stella

Dear Faking It:
Jude and Sienna is a complicated relaysh, but at the same time, so not complicated—confusing, huh? And now they're supposedly "in love," taking things to a newer, practically unswallowable state. Alas, the two are absolutely perfect for each other; there's just so much history and horniness between them. I'll just be surprised if it lasts.

Dear Ted:
What's Parrish Maguire been up lately, haven't heard much about him?
—Sammi

Dear Horndog:
Parrish has been busy, busy, busy—but more so with his career than other horny hunks lately. Think he actually prefers getting noticed to getting off, quelle surprise.

Dear Ted:
Have you ever had difficulty writing a Blind Vice? Was there ever a juicy tidbit you held off on because it was difficult to mask the player(s)? Also wanted to add, if you can't adopt a furry friend, think about donating either money or time to your local shelter. There is always a need. P.S. I still think you need to visit Minneapolis to find your very own Scandinavian hunk to share your bunk.
—Kiki

Dear Minneapolis Matchmaker:
Too scandalous for the Awful Truth? Of course not, Kiki. There's always a way to mask the players because there are so many damn skanky folks running around H'wood it could almost be anyone! And what the hell's in Minneapolis, already?

Dear Ted:
I am moving out of my condo soon and will finally be able to rescue a puppy to take care of! I was wondering, is Secretia Ohio Claire Danes?
—Nini

Dear House Hunting:
Nope, but most excellent guess. Think far less boring—at least in front of the camera—than Danes.

Dear Ted:
I'm curious as to whether or not Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has ever been a B.V.? His name doesn't come up too often. He seems like such a nice guy and all. It would be odd to find out otherwise.
—Wilson

Dear Blind Ambition:
Nope, though he really should be, considering the behind-the-scenes hijinks that muscle bunny gets up to. I just like him too much.

Dear Ted:
Is Chet Chick-Muncher Mel Gibson? I know you thought him a snooze, and I don't find him doable, but otherwise, Mel seems very Chet-like. Am I right?
—Joanne

Dear Mel the Muncher:
No, babe, but pretty good guess. Think a bit less movie star and a far less crappy 'tude.

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Russell Brand? My apologies if you notted him. He just seems like a perfect fit to me.
—Rachel

Dear Not So Perfect:
Sorry, Rach, but Brand isn't the B.V. star. Nevis would never allow his antics to be as public as Russell's have been. He's got a big image (and even bigger fan base) to uphold, after all.

Dear Ted:
So sad that Crescent Kumquat would be so stupid as to have sex without a condom! I wonder if he thought you don't get stuff from powerful females, only gay guys. Are any other Blind Vices now worried they might have picked up something from him recently? Any chance C.K. and Toothy hooked up recently? Or is Toothy being faithful to Grey Goose?
—Bob

Dear Safe Sex:
Totally agree. I think Cres was more worried about getting his hetero on than protecting his business. A C.K.-T2 matchup, while superhot (well, if you ignore the herp), hasn't gone down. Don't expect it to, either. Totally different conniving animals.

Dear Ted:
Since there has been all this talk about 50 Cent being gay or hetero, he will be my guess on Crescent Kumquat.
—Blondie

Dear That's a Rap:
50 Cent's B.V. isn't our cutie Cres. The two have certainly bumped into each other, though.

Dear Ted:
C'mon, spill! Since Jonathan Rhys Meyers has been banned from a United Airlines flight, he has to be a B.V., right?
—RD

Dear Air Marshal:
Maybe a B.V. like our hot-air hottie Buck Me-Good? You may think so, but would have to tell you no. I've always found Jonathan's case more sad than intriguing. Hope he gets better soon.