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Conan Ponders Life Post-Tonight: Colonoscopy, Balloon Hoax or Hard-Core Porn

Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien Paul Drinkwater/ NBC

At least Conan O'Brien is keeping an open mind.

Aside from hosting The Tonight Show at 12:05 a.m., as NBC may want him to do so that the network can keep its beloved Jay Leno on the air once his unsuccessful prime-time run ends on Feb. 12, the gangly funnyman is considering many other opportunities for future success on the small screen.

"Star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network," O'Brien began. He then continued to tick off career move after career move, each one more preposterous (or promising?) than the next.

For instance, which would you prefer? That Conan televise his own colonoscopy, à la Katie Couric, for a new Bravo series, Project Funway, or that he "gain 10 pounds of chin" in order to convince NBC to let him keep the 11:35 p.m. slot?

Some of O'Brien's other options:

• "Host a show on BET called White All Night."

• "Move to Fox and follow their hit 24 with a new show called 24:05."

• "Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon, then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in!"

• "Leave television altogether, and work in a classier business with better people, like hard-core porn."

But speaking of putting on more chin, Jay Leno—the one who has actually been canceled here—has also managed to keep his wits about him in the face of NBC's coddling adversity.

"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30," NBC's onetime late-night leader said in his Monday monologue. "Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset.

"Hey, NBC said they wanted drama at 10 o'clock—now they've got it! Everybody's mad!"

"I take pride in one thing," Leno added. "I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it—a complete disaster."

There is something to be said for consistency.

As Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson said on Friday, "I do like to think that we still make the crappiest late-night TV show. When all is said and done, we'll be remembered as the ones that sucked the most.

"But what did we do? We sucked at the same damn time every night."

Amen.

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