AP Photo/Ric FeldWelcome back, dear readers! There were a lot of questions this week, so we'll tarry no further with our typical fumfery and just press our teeth into the cob of queries herewith. Tradition dictates we begin here:
elyse22sd asks: Is there any way to get tickets to watch from the audience?
Thank you for your interest, elyse22sd, but no, we are not able to offer audience tickets to the public at large. We could go into detail here with all the whys and wherefores, but the facts just aren't interesting enough to warrant a more elucidated response. Please stay home.
rob_zerby asks: Joel, I too was born in Rome on 11/20/71, even though I am an American. Does this mean we can be pals?
Yes, it does. Next time you see Joel McHale, just tell him that Clog said the two of you were friends. Then, close your eyes and cover your solar plexus.
bride744 asks: I have a idea about the show. I think that it would be a good idea if maybe you brought Ryan Seacrest on for one episode! It would be hilarious to see Joel and Ryan argue about a bunch of things! What do you think?
We already spent The Soup’s budget for the next three years just to get Ryan Seacrest to say “Chicks, man” on camera. Though in testament to his generous spirit, he did throw in “Oprah, girlfriend” for free.
caged_pw_cj asks: OK, I don't have a question, but I have a Sanjaya Malakar dress-up game that I would like you to feature on your show sometime. Have fun!
OK, we're happy to link to the site, caged_pw_cj. But two questions: Where’s Joel and how do we expunge this from our memory?
imanewt98 asks: Joel, how can you keep a straight face when you are saying hilarious things?
Botox.
loseratthedisco2 asks: Hey, guys! well, my goal in life is to get made fun of on The Soup. How can I achieve this?
While that is a most pathetic ambition indeed, loseratthedisco2, we’re concentrating all of our efforts on humiliating the original loseratthedisco. Second-best just doesn’t cut it.
valeria_16.5 asks: Hi! My name is Valeria, from Chile, in South America...I'm 16-years-old and I love the show! I watch it every Sunday! Well, I love the show, and I would like that someday you say hello to Chile. Bye!
Wow! We had no idea the show was broadcast in Chile. Or even where to find it on a map. We aren’t allowed to leave this office complex.
sushifanatic4 asks: Hey Soup people (wow that was lame). Are you guys ever gonna put The Soup on dvd?
Don’t know why you are so down on yourself, sushifanatic4. “Hey Soup people” is a perfectly acceptable greeting. It’s certainly preferable to what most people yell at us from the rolled-down window of their Cutlass Supremes. DVD? Not likely. Those things are on their way out.
Mckinleyja asks: Loo up jack horkhimer star gazer on PBS idah public tv
How about you look up the letters K and O on your computer’s keyboard? Totally burned you and your helpful ideas. Actually, we’ve loved the Star Hustler since we first encountered him back in the mid-80s and even more so now in his creepy hairpiece and dyed-moustache astronomical glory. For those who know him not, please learn thyself.
kkarle asks: I'm the long-haired blonde from the Oprah give-away show that Joel made fun of on the 5/23/08 show...Can I come to the studio for some in house mockery?!
Actually, we’ve got our hands full of easily mockable long-haired blondes, already.
boomer0034 asks: Can u get a new host. Joel McHale is so corny and not funny once so ever. Hes really not funny at all.
Thanks for your concern, boomer0034, bringing in a new host is impossible at this time as Joel is currently looking over our shoulder as we write this response. We think Joel is the best host that The Soup has or will ever have, bar none. We wish we were more like Joel in every way. He’s really one of the greatest human beings to ever live. Please reconsider your ill-formed opinion and respond within the next hour before something unpleasant happens to your family.
boone-boy asks: Where the hell is Lou right now!? And no...not like, "why hasn't he been on the show," but where is and what is he doing?
Ablas asks: How about bringing Lou back to do more skits. I luv that pup.
We love getting paid to answer two questions with one response. Our Chihuahua mascot, Lou, is currently unavailable to appear on The Soup until his contract renewal issues have been resolved. Chief among his requests is a greater presence in the title of the show. Some suggestions that his team of lawyers have submitted include Lou presents The Soup, The Soup starring Lou and Lou: SVU. Unfortunately, negotiations have come to a standstill, and Lou remains hidden in an airplane carrying case beneath the condiment bar at Koo Koo Roo.
Mayoandranch asks: When will Joel finally make fun of Tyler Perry's House of Payne! I can't stand that freaking show, and I need him to make fun of the show! Please! I beg!
Judging you by your screen name, Mayoandranch, we’re guessing that you may not be House of Payne's intended audience.
Mamasitamarie asks: My 7-month-old son busts out laughing when he sees Joel on TV. Does Joel do birthday parties, and if so is he open in November?
If he’s anything at all like other 7 month olds we’ve known, he probably also “busts out laughing” at things like ketchup packets, flashlights and tape dispensers. So yes, Mamasitamarie, you could hire Joel to come entertain your son this November, but why not save yourself a lot of money—fire insurance mostly—and just keep babysitting your son with television. It’s what our mother did and just look where it got us today! We have our very own cubicle, stapler and tape dispenser. Ha ha. Tape dispenser make funny. Big laugh. Ha ha.