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If you went on Instagram at all within the past 72 hours, then you probably know that thousands flocked to the desert for the first weekend of Coachella. After the music, Madonna going all Dementor-y on Drake and Leonardo DiCaprio really getting into the groove, the most important thing to know about the annual festival was all the crazy s--t people wore.

Basically, you fall into one of two camps if you decide to go balls to the wall with your wardrobe: wear next to nothing because it's hot as hell at Coachella or cover yourself in crazyhead-to-toe fur because you'd rather look ridiculous than not suffer heat stroke.

The clothing choices at Coachella delightfully confuse us, so can someone please answer our questions?

Coachella Outfits

Melissa Hebeler

Q: Has anyone's love of pizza ever manifested in a more pure, spandex-y form than this dude's ensemble?

Coachella Outfits

Melissa Hebeler

Q: What kind of parade is this and how do we can get off the route?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Is all the head sweat worth the funky look? 
Follow-up Q: Why are Coachella goers obsessed with these furry hat things?! 

Coachella Outfits

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Q: If you have to manually lift up your exposed breasts, why not just wear a bra?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Can you teach us how to do this, minus the unsettling rattail?

Coachella Outfits

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Q (on behalf of all Americans): Why did you do this?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Can you confirm that those are the only places on your body that the flowers, um, sprouted? 

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Did you Google "see-through, all-white, full-body, bell bottom pantsuit that comes with a fringe cape" to find this?
Follow-up Q: What else is in your Google search history?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Does this double as your Xena: Warrior Princess cosplay costume for Comic-Con? 

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Did you mean to wear just Spanx or did you forget to put your dress on over it?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: How did you manage to put together an outfit that is half "dad on vacation" and half "AC Slater in his Hawaiian ensemble"?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Kylie Jenner, is that you?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Ma'am, don't you know lingerie is only for the boudoir?

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Nope. Wait, that's not a question. ... Nope? There. Fixed it. 

Coachella Outfits

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Q: Has there ever been a more perfect poster boy for the insanity that is Coachella?

Coachella is about expressing yourself, so you really can't go wrong with your wardrobe. Unless of course you're this guy:

Q: How does it feel to be a complete disgrace to humanity?

Little tip for those going to the second weekend of Coachella: do not wear anything that glorifies rape. But that's not so much as a tip as it is something that most normal people would not need to be told.