Does Coachella Sound Like Your Worst Nightmare? Let Us Teach You How to Celebrate Nochella!

Hate large crowds and hot weather? Us, too! Let us teach you how to make the most of the weekend spent indoors

By Jenna Mullins Apr 10, 2015 3:00 PMTags
Coachella Valley Music And Arts Festival Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

Do you hate large crowds full of sweaty people? Camping? Feeling dirty? Are you not much of a live music person? Does the idea of using only port-a-potties and spending an entire weekend being constantly surrounded by drunk and high people sound like hell on earth? Then you, my friend, should definitely stay away from Coachella.

You'll be hearing a lot about Coachella over the next couple weeks, as it's one of the biggest and most star-studded musical festivals of the year. And obviously there are many reason so many people flock to it every year: amazing bands, food trucks, celebs, parties…some call it this generation's Woodstock. And while lots of people think Coachella is the best thing ever, it's absolutely our worst nightmare. 

So every year, we celebrate Nochella, meaning No to Coachella. We're not mocking Coachella, just celebrating the fact that we are not going to be stuck out in the desert surrounded by a mass of drunk, dirty humans. It's not our cup of tea. And there is not enough booze and weed in the world to get us through four days of camping with people who are in their best "hippie" attire (read: crop tops and lots of headbands). So we like to spend one of the weekends doing all the things that are the antithesis of Coachella. Mainly: staying indoors.

Want to have your own Nochella? Here are some ways to do it:

1. Small screen marathon

People go to Coachella to watch countless bands perform live, right? Well, you can have your own "concert" at home with your TV. Except instead of music, it's a series or a movie franchise. And instead of standing around swaying to the beat or getting stuck in a mosh pit (do people still have mosh pits?), the only thing you'll be stuck in are the cushions of your couch. Fire up Netflix and get your Scrubs marathon on. Or collect every superhero movie you and your friends own and watch them all back to back. Or pick one franchise (Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings) and just spend all weekend digging into the extended editions and special features.

If you really, really need the live music, Coachella streams on YouTube. That's right, you don't even have to physically be there and you have the best seat in the house. And that seat is inside an air-conditioned living room. Speaking of…

2. Bask in the cool air

Coachella is hot. It's in April in the middle of the desert, and it is effing hot. You don't know sweat until you wake up after a mid-afternoon nap in a tent that is equivalent to a 400 degree oven. So when we have Nochella, we crank the air conditioning or open all our windows to let the cool breeze waft over us. And if it's still cold in your area of the country, then just be thankful you don't have to decide between wearing underwear that will be stuck to your butt with sweat or not wearing underwear at all.

3. Really, really appreciate your bed:

Unless you have a hotel room or a house near Indio, Calif., then you will be camping at Coachella. And since we mentioned that camping is something we want nothing to do with, we like to spend a day during the weekend mostly in our big, soft, glorious bed. We'll surround ourselves with pillows and fluffy blankets and do whatever we want! Maybe we'll make a fort! Because we don't have to sleep on an air mattress or in a sleeping bag or on the ground! We love you, bed. And we won't leave you unless to eat or go to the bathroom. And one of those things you can do in bed. The choice of which one is up to you.

4. Dedicated video game time

Talking to other people? Gross. Bring on the fictional worlds of Hyrule and whatever else the cool kids are playing these days and leave us to play video games in peace. Who needs live music from obscure indie bands when you can actually save the world?! Invite your friends over and have a big ol' Mario Kart party!

5. Food indulgence

Coachella does have a pretty rad assortment of food trucks and meal options, but so does every city in America. So whether you live in Manhattan or in a suburb outside Kansas City, chances are you can find some good food to splurge on over the weekend. Or just get take out from your favorite Chinese place. Or take advantage of the fact that you have a full kitchen at your disposal in which to cook meals in! Cooking over a campfire is cool…for about one meal. 

Sweet, sweet solitude

Coachella means crowds. And people. Crowds and crowds of people. If you are of the introverted persuasion, take solace in the fact that if you don't want to, you don't have to talk to anyone all weekend. Hang out with your pets and enjoy your solitude and escape from other humans. It's healthy to have some "me" time every once in a while.

Basically, there is no wrong way to celebrate Nochella as long as you aren't actually at Coachella. Go about your regular weekend plans, because you are not in the desert! For those going to Coachella, have fun and be safe! Drink plenty of water, even if that means sacrificing a shower in order to stay hydrated. And pack sunscreen!

Party on (or not), dudes!

(Originally published on Wed., Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:08 PM PDT)