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Eddie Cibrian, Lindsay Lohan, Chris Brown, Kate Gosselin, Michael Jackson

Jim Spellman/Getty Images; John Shearer/Getty Images; Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images; Lisa Berg/NBC; Pool Photographer/Getty Images

Eric Dane's taped nudity is so last week (kinda). These are the stories of all shapes and sizes that demanded our attention over the last seven days, starting with one of those things that you never want to see happen, whichever day of the week it may be:

1. DJ AM: 1973-2009. Too sad, too shocking, too soon.

2. Chris Brown finally got his ass officially handed to him when he was formally sentenced to probation (which he supposedly didn't violate), community labor and other unpleasantness for what was at least his third domestic violence-related incident. Larry King Live scored the first interview with the fallen star, whose mom supports him no matter what, and we can watch and pass more judgment on Sept. 2.

3. Speaking of Larry King, he welcomed Kate Gosselin—before she and that estranged hubby of hers had to get the twins to school, of course—as a guest this week. No huge revelations. Then the ladies of The View invited her to be a guest host. There could be a huge revelation, but no one will hear it over the usual din. So what's next for the megamom? You know, we hear there's an empty seat on American Idol...

4. Eddie Cibrian got serious (whether it's about golf or LeAnn Rimes, we can't be sure) and filed for divorce. Brandi Glanville was going to call him a big cheating a-hole in Us Weekly anyway, so it's better for the kids whom they both adore if they quit calling themselves husband and wife.

5. Speaking of divorcées, neither Anne Heche nor Madonna had particularly favorable YouTube moments this week.

6. Playmate lover Brody Jenner and general mammary fan Joe Francis got into it outside a Hollywood club. Francis got pretty banged up, Jenner got tasered, and we got ourselves an awesome new feud in which one dude is already denigrating the size of the other dude's junk.

7. Lindsay Lohan's Hollywood Hills home was burglarized for the second time, safe ripped out of the wall and everything, so she's moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. She was actually planning her move to a more secure apartment even before the recent break-in...but was she planning to be leaving the Hills for a high-rise at the same time as Samantha Ronson?

8. The L.A. County Coroner's Office, which eventually found that Michael Jackson didn't really have heroin in his house, has ruled the King of Pop's death a homicide. What does this mean for the increasingly large cast of characters involved?

9. Ryan Jenkins, wanted by police in the slaying of his ex-wife, Jasmine Fiore, hanged himself in his British Columbia motel room. Investigators eventually located Fiore's missing Mercedes, found enough blood inside it to suggest a vicious attack, and laid out a timeline during which they say Jenkins strangled Fiore, disposed of her body and made a run for the border.

10. A bit of everything: The Awful Truth welcomes Khloe Kardashian, guest-blogger extraordinaire...Kourtney & Kendra are pregnant and loving it...Jon Krasinski and Emily Blunt are engaged and presumably loving it...Milla Jovovich got married...Paula Abdul has been cleared for active duty...Mischa Barton's teeth were killing her...Gerard Butler is very protective of his dog...The cast of Survivor: Samoa was unveiled...Shutter Island is postponed...Parker Posey is battling Lyme disease...Melanie Griffith is in rehab...Tom Sizemore was charged...Jeremy Piven was exonerated...Matt Damon's already a lifetime-achiever.

And what better way to beat heat than with our Best of Summer 2009 gallery? So far, you can choose (and gaze at pictures of) the summer's hottest bodies, movies, scandals and Twilight obsessions. Yes, that last one is its own category!

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Aside from these fun new New Moon pics (countdown to the whole movie continues!), we've got galleries galore for your discerning delight. Why not sharpen your claws and start with Fashion Police...