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Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Violet

Fame Pictures

Dear Ted:
No question, just pointing out that you go on and on about gays and yet I rarely see anyone of color in your polls—such as the current who do you want to see in the buff on screen. I didn't take that poll because I am not really interested in seeing any of those pasty white guys naked. Get some color—and I don't mean your roots, or the fake spray tan.
Fayem

Dear Color-Blind:
Look, missy, my roots may be fake but my particular shade of skin cancer is not. Nor is my love for my African-American brothers 'n' sisters. More Awful power to the nonwhiteys comin' your way pronto!

Dear Ted:
How would you rate Sarah Palin's chances for 2012?
Palin Fan (not!)

Dear Far 'n' Away:
About as good as mine.

Dear Ted:
Jennifer Lopez
and Jennifer Garner both shared Ben Affleck, and are known for their bitchy and diva behavior. Coincidence? I think not.
Momma K

Dear Troubles in Paradise:
Ben seems more miserable in pics recently than he ever was staring at J.Lo's booty. Clearly, it's time for his dumb-blonde phase. Chace Crawford, maybe, for a change?

Dear Ted:
I'm done with Jennifer Lopez, Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. Who do these people think they are? I can't believe they get away with it. I will not give one cent toward any project they're in ever!
Sandi

Dear Terminator:
Even when the third Batman comes out? Bet ya fail.

Dear Ted:
First of all, why don't you have your own show? I love all your hilarious videos. After you answer that question, please answer the mystery of Mickey Rourke and the subject of his often mentioned "failed career." Every time Mickey Rourke is interviewed he mentions how lucky he is for being cast in The Wrestler because he's "been out of work for 14 years." I just looked him up on IMDB and he's been working steadily. Is he just trying to act like he's so hard up the Academy voters will be sympathetic?
Nick

Dear Wrestle Wrangler:
Perish the thought. And, darling, Truth Lies & Ted is my own show!

Dear Ted:
You have got to tell me what is up with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson! Did you see that kiss? I think we can both concede that they had to have been mixing business with pleasure. Any deets?
Jill

Dear Wishful Smooching:
Don't think Rob has any problemo mixing business and pleasure. The lust's on! (As it so has been for ages, quite contrary to popular belief.)

Dear Ted:
You're right about some of Michelle Obama's dresses. They are awful. She's cute, but I think her fashion sense is a bit overrated. Anyways, I just stumbled across your blog and now I'm hooked.
Nona, South Africa

Dear Newcomer:
Gal has four more years to bust out some winners, though.

Dear Ted:
Don't you think Christian Bale should now be called A Dark and Stormy Knight?
SK

Dear Bailer:
I think we can come up with much worse than that, dear.

Dear Ted:
Read you every day. Was wondering...has Colin Farrell been the subject of any Blind Vices?
Lailapgh

Dear Is That a Joke:
His parts have been too many places for him to not be one.

Dear Ted:
Could Crawley McNugget possibly be The Big Bang Theory's Johnny Galecki? He plays a nice guy, and I can imagine him being a terror off camera. After all, he did work with Roseanne.
S

Dear Creeper:
Sorry, nope. Creative guess though. Think, uh, less cute.

Dear Ted:
I live in Brazil, and Tom Cruise was here these past few days for the Valkyrie premiere. All the press could talk about is how nice he is. He really is! He smiled all the time, shook hands, took pictures and signed autographs for everyone—even for a homeless man. I truly believe what you said about him (that he is incredibly kind). Is there any way that he could regain his "biggest movie star in the world" status, or did the couch jumping really ruin things forever?
Sleepless in Rio

Dear Keep Sleeping:
Much as I adore Tom, don't think he'll dethrone his pal Will anytime soon.

Dear Ted:
I've been wondering about Christian Bale's crazy tirade. Apparently this happened just a few days before his family had to call in the cops on him last summer. Did he just have a really bad couple of weeks, or is he actually this much of an a-hole? Do you have any personal experience you'd like to share?
Agusta

Dear Balegate:
He's as crazy as Crowe, but he's got better taste. Total meltdown not happening anytime soon.

Dear Ted:
I think you are a hoot and I love your site. The bright yellow is a great lift! My question is: What has happened to Madonna's face? She looks like Priscilla Presley after she went to the Dr. Auto Mechanic. What is going on?
Spotted Dog

Dear Lift Off:
Must be working if she's boning someone a third her age.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Evan Rachel Wood's statement about feeling disrespected by the press and Mickey Rourke was appropriate? Do you think it will affect Mickey's chance for an Oscar? Thing is, she dated Marilyn Manson, who to me is the epitome of gross. Guess there's different levels of gross.
Whats New

Dear Press Politics:
Sure, practically anything is appropriate in the press nowadays, but do I think she was right? No.

Dear Ted:
Just started reading your column and spent three hours looking through archives. Loved it! But what is the real deal with Tom Cruise: gay or not? Contract marriage? Or seriously just love at first sight. (Katie is one lucky bitch!)
Mofo

Dear Viceologist:
What in those three hours gave you any of those ideas?

Dear Ted:
Is it true that Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer Aniston really disliked each other?
Scout Mail Box

Dear Smells a Showdown:
Well, one of them sure did.

Dear Ted:
Don't you find it ironic that while Jennifer Aniston starred in the highest-grossing Christmas movie of 2008, she has not been a presenter at any of the award shows this season? Wonder why?
Not Angelina

Dear I Don't Believe You:
She's still got a couple more chances, remember, including the big one. And I suspect it'll be a pretty gay show, which is right up that broad's alley.