Amy Schumer's beauty regimen is as fuss-free as you'd expect.
"My regimen is I wake up, usually around 8:30, brush my teeth and splash water on my face. Then I put Kiehl's eye-something under my eyes, and I blot La Mer so it looks like sunblock. Then I put on deodorant if I remember, which today I did not," she jokes in InStyle's Beauty issue (available for digital download and on newsstands Apr. 14). "I use Secret. I tried the natural ones, but my body was just like, 'Stop all that. Just die early and don't smell like a foot.'"
Jokes aside, Schumer is more into "wellness" than she once was. "For exercise, I'll text Rachel Feinstein and ask her if she wants to go to a SoulCycle class. We ride very slowly in the back, but they don't make us feel bad about that," she tells interviewer Jessica Seinfeld. "Afterward, we celebrate the workout with a very long lunch and coffee. We're like elderly women on the Upper West Side. And I love to go for a long walk, maybe around the Central Park reservoir."
"As an actress, is aging in front of the camera something that worries you?" Seinfeld asks.
"Not yet. What's good about not being a model is that it's not the thing I trade on. Once I start looking older, that won't affect me. I have never gotten anything done because I'm, like, so gorgeous," the 35-year-old jokes. "I'm good-looking enough that I can work in the business. I get enough attention from men that I feel good. I see pictures of myself now, and I look younger than I think of myself. It hasn't scared me yet." She's not against Botox or fillers, but for now, Schumer is steering clear of them. "I'm pretty sure I'll never get any sort of surgery, but no proclamations. Also, I cannot imagine a moment when I will need filler for my face, as if it needs to be filled. Can we unfill this? Let's get an emptier. Yeah, I need lipo on my cheeks."
Looks aren't everything, Schumer adds. "My parents made me think I was a genius supermodel, and it was kind of too late when I found out that they had been lying. But I was always really confident, though there have been bumps in the road. During freshman year of college the girls at the school were just so much hotter than me. I couldn't compete, and I lost all my self-esteem," Schumer recalls. "I was confused about where my value lay, and then I figured it out."
"Hitting rock bottom" helped Schumer figure it out.
"It wasn't like I was sleeping around, but there was an older guy I had a major crush on. He called me one morning at 6, and I was like, 'Oh my god, he's really thinking about me this early in the day!' But it was just that he was still out, and I was his last-ditch effort to hook up," she says. "I was lying in his bed, and I remember looking up at his ceiling, and Sam Cooke was playing. I'd never heard him before, and it was the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. I was like, 'I've got to get out of here. I'm not going to be this girl.' But even when I'm feeling bad, I still feel like I have value."
"I'm also realistic because if I look my absolute best and go to an awards thing, I'm still going to be seated next to Blake Lively or Emily Ratajkowski," the Snatched actress tells Seinfeld. "So that can break your heart or you can be like, 'This is pretty good. I'll take this level.'"
Schumer's confidence is one of the many reasons furniture designer Ben Hanisch fell for her more than a year ago. What first attracted her to Hanisch, though? "His penis," she laughs. On a more serious note, Schumer says, "I could see he was kind in a real way. Some guys, they can put up a kind front, and then you find out that they're sexual deviants, but...he's not, God bless him. He's cute. He's kind." With Hanisch, she says, "I feel like I can shine with him and also be nothing and we're good. We've been together for almost a year and a half, but lately I'll whisper in his ear, 'I'm falling for you.' And he's just like, 'We've been together for a while.'"
The Trainwreck star doesn't "ever" miss being single, she says, "Except I need a lot of alone time. Right now I'm getting my period, and I just don't like him, you know? My PMS is no joke."
"It's directed only toward him, but instead of being in denial about that, we try to work with it," she says. "Tonight's vibe is 'I don't want you to even look at me or talk to me,' and he will put on his headphones, do work on his computer, and I'm just in the room." Sounds like a dream man, right? "He's too good about it," she jokes in InStyle's May issue. "It actually annoys me."