Ryan Reynolds loves being a father.
"Almost anyone can do it," he said on TBS' Conan Tuesday, "but I'm very proud."
The Deadpool actor and his wife, Blake Lively, are the proud parents of a 7-month-old daughter named James Reynolds. "Right now she's starting to say 'mama,' but there's an unfair advantage there. It turns out that breasts are actually a life support system and the child seems to gravitate towards the breasts. I'm just the breastsless a--hole wandering around the room and getting in her sightline every once in a while," the actor joked, noting that for his baby girl, it's "all about mom" the moment. "I am dead to her," the first-time father told Conan O'Brien. "That's her first words, ironically: 'You're dead to me.'"
Ryan also recalled his daughter's birth in late 2014. "I was there in the delivery room. I mean, I was there for the conception of the child, so I thought the least I could do is be there in the delivery room. I'm not going to lie to you—I saw things. But amazing [things]! My wife is, I mean she is a mercenary. At one point in the middle of the delivery the doctor's cell phone went off and she went, 'Oh, no. Go ahead, take a personal call.' She was cracking jokes in the delivery room. She may have been taking drugs, but I don't ask personal questions." Conan asked if he helped with the delivery, and Ryan said, "It's not a tug-of-war!"
"I was just a terrible coach," he admitted.
"There was a lot of clapping. I went for a couple of high-fives but she did not."
Since becoming a father, he confessed, "I take a crap load of pictures. But it's the digital age!" Things were different when Ryan was growing up in Canada. "My dad took hundreds of thousands of photos—but not of us! It was like we'd have these family dinners. Right when digital cameras came out, it was also in perfect concert with when Internet was dial-up. So, he would take about 100,000 photos and then at night he would get online on the dial-up and e-mail them to everybody. You would have—and I'm not joking here—like four or five hundred pictures of a blurry meatloaf," the actor, 38, recalled. "It would take the gross domestic output of most countries just to download all of these horrible files."
Because he was an admittedly "terrible" child, at one point, Ryan decided to play prank on his dad. "I was about 18 years old. In the middle of dinner, I grabbed the camera and I went in the bathroom and I just took a picture of my penis. I just wanted to see if he would naturally edit these photos at some point," he said.
Ryan's dad didn't edit the photos. "One day—I hope it doesn't happen—there's a penis picture of mine floating around somewhere," the actor said.
"Well, guess what?" Conan teased. "We found it!"
Don't expect to see any current nude photos of the actor leak online. "I've heard of people who are sexting and stuff, like sending a picture of a penis. I can't think of anything more threatening to send a woman than a picture of a penis," Ryan told the late-night host. "In terms of sexy, it's just a rung below a picture of yourself committing domestic terrorism. Like, I don't know why someone does that."
"I don't know," Conan said. "I've been told mine is not threatening."
Conan airs weeknights at 11 on TBS.