By: Nicolas Wright, New York City
A.B. Replies: Think, man, think. Something has to keep Tommy Lee Jones from turning viewers into stone every time he steps onto a red carpet. Somebody has to keep Al Pacino from looking like a slab of pebbled burnt-sienna cowhide that's sprung back to life and escaped from the Justin boot factory. And at least one barrier has to come between Edward James Olmos and the poorly lobotomized street teens of Hollywood Boulevard, lest they mistake him for an evil calabash.
That something would be cosmetic powder. And maybe some foundation. Or even concealer. Concealer, for the ill informed, is like pancake makeup or liquid foundation that's been concentrated and pressed into a weapon shape, like a nunchuck or a small missile.
To be fair, this B!tch cannot say for sure whether the three towers of drama mentioned above have ever used makeup at a premiere. It's just scientifically sound theory, you understand, backed by the following statistic: An estimated 50 percent of male actors use beauty aids when making a public appearance, especially at awards shows.
That's according to Robert Bolanos, a veritable alchemist of a makeup artist who works regularly with Jessica Alba and has prettied up Hank Azaria and Sarah Michelle Gellar.
"Not all male actors do wear makeup," Bolanos tells this riveted B!tch. But he adds, it is common. "Most recently, I worked on Naveen Andrews for the Emmy awards and his girlfriend, Barbara Hershey.
"I hope [Andrews] doesn't kill me, but we were taking care of a little acne thing that pops up on his chin," Bolanos says. "He's a little darker, so we used a little concealer that was very, very light, just to cover up those little imperfections on his skin."
Must've been a pleasant departure; on Lost, poor Andrews has to look like a castaway, which means he has to have hair like a sea sponge and skin that shines like a satellite.
Other male red carpet denizens prefer foundation, which, if you've been paying attention, is like concealer, only it comes in a bottle and doesn't look like a stick.
"Matthew Perry wears light foundation," Bolanos says, "to cover up any blotchiness or redness on the skin. It's also used to make the skin look flawless in front of a camera, but everything is minimal."
By the way, in Hollywood, males don't get beautified or made up.
"We say groomed," Bolanos says.
Right. Not like people. Like thoroughbreds! Either way, let's hope today's makeup is powerful enough to keep Olmos safe from the crazies on Hollywood Boulevard; this B!tch likes, and misses, her Battlestar Galactica.