The Dark Fright

More fallout on the tragedy that is Heath Ledger's terrible demise. Plus, Eddie Murphy’s discarded dames sure seem to rally awfully fast—why is that, pray tell? And what beautiful BS is Camp Scarlett Johansson pulling on us now? Let’s snoop and find out!

“He’s nude, waiting for a masseuse, pills are everywhere, and people have a problem with you saying something’s off?”

—Heath Ledger crony, talking about this column’s break yesterday, which announced another Ledger chum as describing the quirky, charming star as a drug addict

This is really rich. The hunt has been on for Britney 25/8, showing her every unlovable misfire, only to be lapped up by the blood-thirsty public—this train-wreck watcher included. But suddenly, I tell it like it is about a guy who was, admittedly, less well-known—but not that much—than Spears to be a major player, partyer and bed-mate wrangler, and I’m disrespecting the dude’s memory? Just read tomorrow’s column for rebel reactions, if you don’t believe me. Such BS.

The point is, reliable sources (i.e. those who witnessed Heath taking drugs over extended periods of time but didn’t partake themselves) tell me H.L. had a “huge” drug problem. And when a man, no matter how talented, is found in the condition Ledger was, that’s news. Tough. Loved Ledger’s gifts as much as the next fan, please understand that. But until the media starts reporting this crap for what it is—addiction, and really not much else—more Owen Wilsons and Amy Winehouses will continue to fall apart behind stories about how emotional they are, instead of how afflicted by a disease they are, which happens to be addiction.

Wake up, people!

Eddie Murphy might be one huge heartbreaker (and Razzie winner for his deft cinematic efforts), but the boy’s ex dream girls sure know how to carry on without him. Why is that not a friggin’ shocker? Mel B’s been a busy mama with the sold-out Spice Girls gigs and the new, beautiful bod she carved on Dancing with the Stars. Yo, revenge is a dish best served sizzlin’ hot, trust.

And lest you think Tracey Edmonds is all in tears after her two-week fauxmance with Ed, girl was spotted enjoying the post-never-really-married life at Sundance this past week. Trace was all smiles when seen stepping out of a silver 2008 VW with a female friend before being escorted into the 50 Cent concert at the Myspace/Tao venue. Hey, a girl needs a honeymoon! Even without the grimy groom. Why is all this biz we’re hearing from Camp Dress-Up ‘bout Tracey and Eddie never really meaning to make a “real marriage” of it suddenly making sense?

And folks give Brit-Brit hell for putting on a fake accent? What about an ersatz marriage, for heaven’s sake. Why isn’t E.M. being crucified for that one? Sexist, thy name is celebrity reportage—and Hollywood.

Goshums, so like Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are reportedly engaged, though they ain’t the ones reporting it. This is the first time Scar-babe’s slipped a ring on her finger, but Ry-Ry was all set to wed Alanis Morissette in 2006 after two years of courtship. Hey, what does Scar-Jo have that Alanis doesn’t have? Oh, right. Breasts.

Both femme and fella could’ve done a whole lot worse—Ry’s gotta be somewhat of an intellectual if Ms. Morissette gave him the stamp of approval, no? Plus, he is from Canada, and you know how brainy those snow-bred ones can be. Just look at Celine Dion, if you don’t believe me.

Now, I don’t see any poetic singers shacking up with S.J.’s ex studs Jared Leto and Josh Hartnett—not unless you count disco songstress Paris’ puss attack on Jared at Sundance, and I’m sure many of you would. ('Twas a rumor that Josh was romancing Rihanna, but you ought to know she ain’t the artsy Alanis type, nor is that one really happenin’, trust.) And R2 has sure had his fair share of pretty faces in the past, everyone from the likes of She’s All That’s Rachael Leigh Cook to the current Timbo bimbo, Jessica Biel. At least now he has a girl with all the goods: tits and talent. Maybe congrats to the clandestine couple! May you have tons of totally hot tots running around Tinseltown in 20 years!

But hold on. Testy reps for Ms. J insist there is “no truth” to the lovely gab. I swear, what would these repper types prefer? Calls that their clients are having anal sex with no lube in crack dens? Sometimes that’s the tone, no merde.

Anyway, we’ve been told "no" to stories like this before with S, only to find out it was all deliciously true later on. Stay tuned, who the ef knows with a bitchin’ New Yawk broad like Scar, eh?

Kathleen Turner played a queen bitch in War of the Roses and guested as Chandler’s drag-queen dad on Friends—not to mention she voiced the hottest animated character of all time, Jessica Rabbit. Those creds alone make her a legend in our book. But K.T.’s got her own tome out in February, an autobiography called Send Yourself Roses, and the woman ain’t afraid to spill some on-set secrets about several celebs whose cheeks will be turning bright red when they get a load of K-Turn’s tales:

• Body Heat costar William Hurt was as fond of certain goodies as he was of the ladies. (“I don’t know how many he went through during filming.”) According to Desk Kathleen, the Oscar-winning star got PO’d whenever someone didn’t call him by his character’s name. Talk about a method a-hole!

• Kath-babe fell in love with Michael Douglas while filming Romancing the Stone, but their love affair ended when his then-estranged wife, Diandra, took him back. (And look how well that turned out, as M.D.’s now with eternally young Cathy Zeta-Jones.) Mikey D, whom Kath calls “a wonderful friend and a terrible enemy,” didn't exactly react kindly, she claims, when she didn’t want to be in the film’s sequel. Damn! Didn’t have to do much research to kick his ass in War of the Roses, huh, K?

• Ms. T, as you’ve no doubt heard already, recalls Nicolas Cage as supremely stubborn on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married, among other choice tackiness K.T. is only too eager to share. “He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket,” Turner poops, and which Cage denies. Nic Cage always had those crazy eyes, but I never knew there was so much going on behind them. Think he hangs with dog dangler Paris Hilton much?

Jeez, only thing missing from this potty-mouthed autobiography (my kinda book!) is Kathleen’s husky voice. Guess it turns out the tell-all of ‘08 ain’t Andrew Morton’s been-there-read-that bio on Tom Cruise—it’s Kath’s! Who the ef knew? Mr. Morton could def learn a thang or two about dishin’ Hollywood mud from this delicious diva’s stash of Hollywood icon idiocy.