How much further can Britney Spears plummet? Plenty, par-tick if you ask some of those multibillion-dollar record dudes she keeps less than dazzling. Plus, talk about a hard-to-impress crowd, wait till you get ahold of this week's mailbag. Don't you cantankerous types ever get any at home? Sure doesn't seem like it...
Britney Spears, Us Weekly

Us Magazine

Love that Us Weekly cover talking about how very uncomfortably coincidental it is that the obviously unhealthy living Britney’s named after her grandma, who committed suicide. Gosh, think I read that someplace else ages ago. Someplace like the Awful Truth, perhaps? Yep.
More insiders from deep within Camp Combustible tell us B.S. unravels by the second within her frayed inner circle. “She’s hardly the stable girl,” poops one of Brit's close buds. Yeah, no merde, missy! Regardless, could this be why Spears’ professional Galahad, the musical genius that is Clive Davis (who’s the top dawg over at Sony, where Spears is based), is no longer taking nearly as close an interest as he once was?
“He’s having nothing to do with her now,” bemoaned a record exec type who’s (mucho miserably) watching Lynne Spears’ worst malfunction ever become a comatose public booby trap.
Whitney Houston

Mark Sullivan/

“[Britney] is not good for business,” bitched the music source close to Spears’ big-money deal. Oh, jeez, Brit-Brit! This is a camp that’s still nursing overdone-it-all Whitney Houston back to commercialized health. And they’re already done with you? Doesn’t look good, g-friend. Also up for no good news, always, would be the following, natch:
Hayden Panettiere, Milo Ventimiglia

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
So, what is the real scoop with Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere? Somehow I just can't grasp the idea of 30-year-old Milo being into 18-year-old Hayden.
  Shippensburg, Pennsylvania

Dear May-December Disbeliever:
What’s so hard to swallow? They spend tons of time together on the set of Heroes, and they’re both diminutive yet doable stars on the rise. We’re in the mood, already, just thinkin’ about it! Plus, if H 'n' M hook up, they get twice the headlines. Makes perf sense.

Dear Ted:
Based on centrical patterns in the Hollywood dating pool, I suspect there is a network of go-to gals who pose as girlfriends to protect the hetero vibe of all those hot gay actors. So, if one guy finally comes out, will it cause a domino effect of unwitting exposés? And what percentage of the girls are gay themselves? Thanks much—this keeps me up at night.
  Bridgehampton, New York

Dear Beardwatch:
Ask Anne Heche and get back to us, why don’t you?

George Clooney

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
What's up with your boyfriend Clooney? It seems lately, everything pisses him off and he's yelling or giving the finger. He has a hot, young girlfriend, his career is going well and he seems back at his peak, healthwise. Why is he so pissed off, and why haven't you talked about his latest ride? (And no, I don't mean the bike.)

Dear Cheer Up, Clooney:
George has one diva dust-up with Fabio, and suddenly he’s Oscar the Grouch? George is usually in a good mood and quite charming with the press peeps, g-friend. Maybe it was that time of the month or somethin’?

Orlando Bloom, Kate Bosworth

John Sciulli/

Dear Ted:
Regarding Orlando Bloom: How is it possible for one actor to be linked to so many actresses and models, Ted? Are they behind the PR, or is he? And whatever happened to the "athletic type" you said Orlando was "entranced" by in September '06? Was it over before it even began? You mentioned that right after Orlando and Kate broke up.
  Los Angeles

Dear Fruit of the Bloom:
Nope, he did plenty of sweatin’ back then, post-Katie bustup. And just 'cause Orly doesn’t shiver your timbers doesn’t mean he’s not a hot commodity among the chicas. Although he doesn’t seem to be keeping Miranda Kerr’s attention so well, as she was recently spotted with Brandon Davis. Downgrade!

Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Jerome Ware/

Dear Ted:
I must say, I’m very disappointed in the most recent Blind Vice. That is just common knowledge. I expected you would have at least revealed one of Toothy Tile's undercover friends and not put The Rock in there again. I am finding out more from other sites...what's up with that? At least the previous two Blind Vices were still juicy, even if they were on the "yuck" side.
  Montreal, Quebec

Dear Teri:
Sometimes the “And It Ain’ts” are a whole 'nother Blind riddle, my bitchy sweet. Think about it.

Heidi Klum

Donato Sardella/

Dear Ted:
I speak for the masses when I say: Enough of Heidi Klum! All of a sudden she is everywhere, and, while I have nothing against her...snoozefest! Let's bring on Adriana Lima.

Dear Hatin' on Heidi:
Keep dreamin', g-friend! We love us some Heidi Klum, and we’ll take her talking about Seal’s package and making fun of Britney over Adriana’s “I’m a virgin” spiel any day.

Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban

Kevin Mazur/

Dear Ted:
I'd love to know what you know about the Keith Urban-Nicole Kidman partnership.
  Vancouver, British Columbia

Dear Tom Cruise:
We think she’s eons happier with him than she ever was with you, buster. Sorry.

Britney Spears, Sean Preston

Dear Ted:
I wonder how much longer it will be before Ms. Spears hires a nanny to assist her when she has visitation with the boys? The nanny could provide transportation and assist when the children have their overnight stay with their mother.
  Louisville, Kentucky

Dear Nanny 911:
Britney prolly thinks she already has one: her court-appointed monitor.

Ryan Phillipe, Reese Witherspoon

Lisa O'Connor/

Dear Ted:
It seems the Reese and Ryan split was all Ryan being the bad boy and Reese struggling to hold on. What is your take on that assumption? Was he really moving on way before the Oscars, and cajoled into playing happy family for the cameras? That is what my buddy from BU who is friends with a friend of R.P. says. He tells us R.W. is the most ambitious, coldhearted little witch going. What do you think about the real cause of their split?

Dear More Than Meets the Sly:
Well, Reese didn’t get the Little Miss Type A nickname for nothing. We think there were cracks in their marriage long before they started showing at the Oscars, but we’re certain Ryan’s overt va-va-vooming sealed the divorce deal.

Lorenzo Lamas

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Dorrell Sausage
from One Unprepared Blind Vice is Lorenzo Lamas (ugh).
  Toronto, Ontario

Dear Sausage Snooper:
You’ve got the wrong dude...think much younger.

Dear Ted:
You were great on Showbiz Tonight with A.J. Hammer about Britney. I think she's so addicted to attention, as well as whatever medication she's on, she needs Natalie Cole's mom to step in and file guardianship papers on her.
  Washington, D.C.

Dear Dollface:
Uh, thanks, babe-poo, but how the hell do you think B.S. got into this hell in the first place? With her mama. It’s time for the bitchin’ broad to stop blaming/utilizing/being enabled by mothers altogether.

Richard Gere

Ron Galella/

Dear Ted:
Is Seymour Plow-Me More from One Slippery Grope Blind Vice Richard Gere?
  New York, New York

Dear Gunnin' for Gere:
No, whatever makes you think that, doll-cup? Oh, and think far less doable, please.

Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O'Connell

Steve Granitz//

Dear Ted:
Why does it seem like you're looking for problems re Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell's sad state after their pet adoption? If I adopted a puppy in good faith, and it ended up terminally ill and (from the sounds of it) had to be put down, I know I wouldn't be chomping at the bit to call the agency I got it from to share the news...contract or no.
  Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Dear Doggie Bagged:
If Becky and Jerry chose not to foot the pricey vet bills for the poor pup's über-expensive treatment, they should have offered to return the dog to the rescue group before putting him down—seven days after adopting him. That’s all we’re saying.

Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise

Tim Whitby/

Dear Ted:
After a friend of mine ran a marathon, some of her toenails fell off. Can you imagine the pain Katie was in when Tom dragged her to his premiere? Selfish little creep! Of course, I guess she's contractually obligated to be there, and she did put on a happy face. Good employees are hard to find.

Dear Sore Piggies:
Maybe she decided to wear her heels that night to get back at him and be taller in the pics?

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