My saliva witness reports the new guy is “good looking” and “muscular, but not in a bodybuilder way” and had his arms around Lance lovingly. Awww.
Less sweet, more curious was that L.B. kept hittin’ the little dude’s room. I’m told he was seen hittin’ the loo at least three different times in an hour and a half. Whatcha doin’ in there, mistuh, gettin’ hair gel outta your coif?
Whatever it was, I’m just glad Mr. Bee’s gotten over his philandering ex and is mixin’ ‘n’ minglin' with other supereager amigos. Here’s hoping your new guy isn’t such a boob-tube trap!
Dear Ted:
Got a guess for Toothy Tile—Gerard Butler. Thought the toothy reference was to his stint as Dracula in Wes Craven's flick, and you also mentioned T.T. had a new action flick coming along. I hope I'm wrong, since he is great eye candy, and a hetero gal has to think she has some chance in hell!
Sue
Tokyo, Japan
Fret not, my pet! That hunka-hunka burnin’ love piece o’ matinee-meat ain’t G.B. Think scrawnier and more Oscar-worthy.
Dear Ted:
Just wanted to let you know that your reference to David Bowie tossing babies in Labyrinth cracked me up. Now, all I can hear are the lyrics to that silly song rolling about in my head. Good one, Ted!
Amy
Charleston, South Carolina
What can I say, it’s my all-time fave! “Dance, magic, dance! Slap that baby, make him free!"
I have a complaint! It is all over the African-American sites that you said Beyoncé is overexposed and talentless. I really hope that you did not go there. How many times a day do we hear about the overexposed Lindsay, Britney and Paris? Is it because a black girl the same age group is stealing their shine?
Tracy
Washington, D.C.
‘Twas a letter writer who bitched the opinion, doll, not me. I think B.’s fab.
Dear Ted:
Why don't you get your facts straight before you post your column? It's a well-known fact that Isla Fisher converted to Judaism, and although you stated she wasn't born Jewish, you should have acknowledged that she is now Jewish.
Rachel
Matawan, New Jersey
I said I.F. converted, what’s your prob?
My guess for Botox-Bang Slasher is Jennifer Lopez. She was on In Living Color back in the day and had a few okay movies, but her latest movies are all flops.
Hillary
Clearwater, Florida
Think less Latino and more girl next door.
Dear Ted:
Hola, Ted! I have to guess that the behind-the-door activity John Mayer and Derek Jeter have in common is a much more anal one—perhaps a penchant for tossing a salad or two and goin' deep in the nethers.
Doctor Jat
Flagstaff, Arizona
Hmmm...wouldn’t you like to know! (Oh, and not quite that smelly, dear.)
Our office guess for Botox Bang is Debra Messing. Probably too much booze.
George
Royal Oak, Michigan
Not even close, doll-cakes. Think younger and less fiery—color-wise, at least.
I find it hilarious how put out you are by Sacha Baron Cohen just because he doesn't kiss tabloid booty the way you think celebs should. He's Cambridge-educated and has become famous solely in order to spread a message of tolerance that, as a gay man, you should appreciate.
Meredith
Houston, Texas
Cambridge-Shmamebridge! Who cares where the guy went to college? The fact of the matter is, if he wants to be famous so badly, he’s gotta step up to the plate and deal with the press, the same shallow way other celebs, former Ms. Americas and shamed heiresses do!
I’ve got to get your feedback on my new favorite show, Dirt. Is your world really like that? I’m addicted and can’t get enough! Courteney Cox is great and makes me forget all about Friends.
Jeanie
Gansevoort, New York
Does it look like I kill people and torture their families? And as far as I know, no one’s tryin’ to kill me—at the moment. Still makes for good TV, though, I gotta say!
Botox Bang-Slasher has got to be Courteney Cox. She's kept a low profile since marrying David Arquette, and she's certainly done the slasher flicks. And then there is the recent kiss with BFF Jen Aniston on her show Dirt.
Staci
St. Louis, Missouri
Nope, sorry to say it, babe, but it ain’t Courteney. Think just as boring, but better as a blonde.
Is the Oscar-nominated actor you wrote about who might come out Queen Latifah? I hope so!
Willa
Phoenix, Arizona
No. Not even close.
I'm starting to feel like I crawled outta those rags that are always chastising women for having “real bodies”! Yours is such grotesque reportage—like ripping on Ashlee Simpson because she dared to wear a bikini without having the requisite Hollywood six-pack?
Jessica
Chicago
Sorry about that one. I made a mistake—sort of Ann Coulter’s birth, ya know?
Dear Ted:
Please tell me I'm wrong about Preen Pumper! It can't be Justin Timberlake, can it? There go some fantasies out the window—just give me one hetero hunk to dream about, please!
Sarah
Vermillion, Ohio
Calm down, lady, 'cause Justin sure as hell ain’t P.P. Think meatier and more metro. Much.