Of Vice and Men

Saturday night, while half of who’s who in Hollywood partied, pre-Super Bowl (and pre-sweaty dude dallying), here in Hell-Ay yet another awards show brought out sassy ‘n’ serious actors like Leo and Chandra Wilson—who’s still tiptoeing round the whole Isaiah Washington F-word debacle. If that ain’t an effin’ surprise!

The Directors Guild Awards went down Saturday night at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza, and Martin Scorsese, natch, finally won something (Bill Condon did not, to complete the Dreamgirls snubfest, but more on that later).

Power presenters like Leonardo DiCaprio, Steve Martin and Chandra Wilson came to dole out podium sass 'n' support.

So, of course, the tough-talkin' TV doc Chandra was flooded with queries about how the set of Grey's has been since Isaiah returned from thought rehab, or whatever he was doing.

"Are things on set different now?" I asked C.W.

"We're so schedule conscious that there's no time to even think about any sensitivities," she said, semiducking my query. "We've got some work to do, and that's what we're concentrating on."

Let the healing begin!

But, uh, doubt it'll last. At least, that's what my inside snoops on the set tell me. Other doubting Debbies are as follows:

 

Dear Ted:
Thanks to you, I no longer have aha moments, à la Oprah. I now think purely in Tedisms. Case in point, my New Year's resolution is to find Toothy Tile. Yesterday, while flipping through remote cable channels, I saw a really bad 1982 move starring Kate Jackson. Her husband, a doctor, was leading a double life in L.A. at gay bars. His first fling: Harry Hamlin! Harry was actually very good, maybe too good. They had several kissing and bed scenes. Is Harry Toothy?
  H.T.

Dear Tooth Sleuth:
Sorry, dollface, but you're not even close. Tooth would never do Dancing with the Stars, trust…He's a serious artist, only.

Dear Ted:
Ted, for those people stuck in the “did he drop the F-bomb or just refer to it” argument in regard to Isaiah Washington, I direct them to an interview he did with Oprah last year, where I.W. implied Ellen Pompeo was happy Washington didn't get the McDreamy role because her real-life boyfriend is black (and a black McDreamy would be too close to reality for Pompeo). It would seem Isaiah Washington has a habit of publicly making offensive remarks in reference to his castmates.
  Cupcake
  Manhattan

Dear Sugar Lips:
Even I’m getting sick of this one.

Dear Ted:
First, it was Britney. Now, the supermarket tabloids make it seem like Cameron is dying to get Justin back. It seems like after a breakup with Justin Timberlake, the girl always ends up looking desperate. Is he coldhearted?
  Renee
  Frederick, Maryland

Dear Just Curious:
Not coldhearted, just hard to get over. J.T. is a pretty good catch, and gals who get dumped by him find it hard to say sayonara to the guy who’s bringing sexy back.

Dear Ted:
As the guy who appears to get the facts right, what's your take on the relationship between John Mayer & Jessica Simpson? Is it real?
  Julia
  Chicago

Dear Det. Canoodle:
I’m kinda surprised by this pairing, to be honest. Always pegged J.M. as being more into girls with big egos, not big boobs. Can’t imagine them lasting longer than Jessica’s extensions, you?

Dear Ted:
Sniffer Stella from Two Schnoz-Straining Blind Vices is definitely Michelle Trachtenberg. She has such a wholesome image, yet the girl is always at the same parties as her party-girl peers. Am I right?
  Elizabeth
  Newark, Delaware

Dear Sniff Snoop:
Wrong, my little guesser-gal. Think more petite and much less sweet.

Dear Ted:
Please tell me you are watching Dirt on FX! They must read your column to get their storylines! Anyway, they have Grant Show as this great action hero with a great family but who is secretly gay. Can you say Toothy Tile? By the way, is it Justin Timberlake?
  Rita
  St. Louis

Dear Dude Digger:
Dirt is brilliant, your guess at T2 is not. Think far less multitalented—outside a parking lot, that is.

Dear Ted:
Looking back, I wonder if FedEx really loved Brit or the money. I always secretly thought Kevin Federline and Shar Jackson were still an item. Comments? Was it a youthful, unrealistic match or the calculated, taking advantage of America's favorite twit?
  Amanda
  Orange Park, Florida

Dear Britney:
K-Fed was all about the money, honey, plain and simple. Your new man, Isaac Cohen, is much more humpable anyway, so don’t worry.

Dear Ted:
You're brill. Let me venture to guess that the Hand-Biting Blind Vice is Penélope Cruz. For starters, you gave her three P's in your code name and said she spoke to her amigas. Could I be further from the truth? She's also got a really sweet face.
  David
  Singapore

Dear Cruz Control:
No way, baby, way too obvious, even for moi. Think far more talented (and more boy-schtupped, by the by).

Dear Ted:
Is it me, or is Madonna's pseudo-British accent completely annoying? I'd understand if she were being interviewed by the U.K. media, but she does it on U.S. interviews, too. It comes and goes! Dunno why it drives me nuts.
  Tina
  Manila, Philippines

Dear Li'l Miss Sunshine:
Oh, darling, everyone knows stuff just sounds better when said in a British accent, even Detroit-born BS.

Dear Ted:
You and Rex Lee sound very chummy. Is there something going on there that we gossip types would like to know?
  Agusta
  Iceland 

Dear Off:
Uh, no. We're both attached. Sorry, sugar-puss.

Dear Ted:
Am I completely losin' it, or is Katie Holmes choosing couture/designer outfits clearly made for older women such as Nicole Kidman, who can wear these clothes with effortless grace? It’s sad to watch.
  Catsy
  Boston

Dear Couture-Scratch Fever:
Totally agree with you, Catsy. I'm bored with the grown-up, mature Kate as of late. Katie needs to kick Barneys to the curb and start shoppin' à la Mariah—that is, start dressing like a 13-year-old. It would be much more becoming of that baby face and rockin' bod, and I'm sure Tom wouldn't mind the least! Not.

Dear Ted:
For the past few years, I've given up on major awards shows. They've all become so political and hobnobby. The nominees are mostly made up of box-office hits, with the token quirky indie flick. There's no more mystery, excitement or respect about the Oscars; it's become a statue used in bargaining the next movie paycheck.
  Heather
  New York

Dear Missin' the Oldies:
Hollywood is what it is. Things evolve. Pretty soon, they'll start giving out the awards for Best Combover and Best Crotch Shot. Welcome to a new millennium of classiness!

Dear Ted:
I'm on to you, Tedilicious! Sniffer Stella has got to be Kate Bosworth...squeaky-clean rep and rail thin superfast (without the typical menu of fist burgers for lunch)! I know I'm right, but like Jessica after a date with Mr. Mayer, I need to be validated!
  Ted's Beard
  S--tburgh, Pennsylvania

Dear Weirdo:
You may actually be on to something here. On to the wrong answer, that is! Think less bony, more bright and perky.

Dear Ted:
Am I missing something? Since the Kelly Ripa-Clay Aiken-Rosie O'Donnell annoyance began, I've been pondering where a homosexual's hand can go that a heterosexual's can't. Enlighten me, please. Thanks.
  Charlotte
  Chicago

Dear Groper:
Do I really need to answer this question? Shouldn’t you know where and where not to put your hands?

Dear Ted:
Everything okay with you, boyfriend? Your writing seems to be "preoccupied" this week. Even your mailbag replies are missing their usual snarkiness. Seriously, I hope all is well. By the way, your grays are smashing!
  Judy
  Skokie, Illinois

Dear G-friend:
Who died and made you head bitch in charge? I assure you everything is peachy keen, and I’ll make sure to be extra bitchlicious next week, just for you!