What will Brad ‘n’ Angie think of next to stun us? Well, three hints as to what (or where) this little semishocker involves, my loves: bourbon, bourbon and more bourbon. Plus, those always intoxicating rantings from you, my shaken-not-stirred honey dolls!
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

James Devaney/WireImage.com

First that update on your fave globetrotting, do-gooder duo: Brangelina! Brad-babe, 'course, has been hard at work filming his new flick, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, way down south in my preferred, spicy stomping ground, New Orleans.

Natch, Angie and the kids are in town, too. Too much celeb-spotting fun fer you lucky Nola peeps!

And get this: They might be there to stay. Seems the Jolie-Pitts have taken a serious liking to the Crescent City and have even bought a house there, say N'awlins know-it-alls.

Maddox Jolie-Pitt

James Quinton/WireImage.com

Southern domesticated word is they've even enrolled Maddox in a semiposh N.O. private school, hopin' to escape the paparazzi's ever-present eyes. And it's a religious one, too—which, I dunno, I just find kinda weird for the iconoclast Jolie, less so the fam-oriented, traditional, daddy-o-type Pitt.

But in that press-trailed covered wagon the Brangelina hons are hauling 'cross the globe, makes perf sense, I s'pose, to see that B. 'n' A. might want to help out devastated, recovering New Orleans with their glittering touch of movie-star benevolence. Right?

Regardless, good luck, you two byoots...catch some beads for me on Bourbon Street, 'kay?

Now, let's see what I caught from you ravishing readers in this week's mailbag, shall we? Talk about benevolent badasses...

Ashlee Simpson

Andy Johnstone/Pacificcoastnews.com

Dear Ted:
Yes, Ted, it is certainly "bitchy" (your words) to say that Ashlee Simpson needs to do crunches! I love your column, and I'm not even an Ashlee fan, but it's comments like these that make teenage girls like myself feel as though we are never good enough. Ashlee is clearly fit and thin, yet you still criticize, saying she would benefit from some crunches! What a ridiculous statement. I have to say, as an avid reader, this comment of yours really made my opinion of you falter tremendously.
  Tania
  Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Right On:
So sorry about that one, babe—I should have at least added that I need to do a few more sit-ups myself, right alongside her!

Kimora Lee Simmons, Russell Simmons

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I think Sassy Go-Forth and Fernwood Could are Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons. And may I say, you are one hot dude! Could any woman make you come play for the hetero team?
  Paige
  Danville, Virginia

Dear Bum-Smoocher:
Thanks, babe, but you haven't seen my abs, have ya? Oh, and it ain't R. and K., though I might add that's an excellent guess. Think, uh, even more famous...

Reichen Lehmkhul, Lance Bass

Marco Garcia/Getty Image.com

Dear Ted:
While I think you are probably right about Reichen using Lance for publicity, I don't think that "barely interacted for about 40 minutes" at a party counts as a death sentence for their relationship, should there actually be one. I'm single at the moment, but I distinctly remember periods of at least 40 minutes of not spit swapping or holding hands with any of my previous boyfriends, even when things were fine. Anything here you're not telling us?
  Agusta
  Iceland

Dear PDA Police:
Plenty. Trust me on this one.

Sylvester Stallone

Glenn Weiner/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Love the picture of Sly Stallone and the line about the "bitch fight with Joan Rivers." You are so correct on that one! But doesn't he look a bit like his ex-lady love, Janice Dickinson?

P.S. Ted, leave your gorgeous face alone and age gracefully!
  Patti
  Buffalo, New Yawk

Dear Puss Protector:
Thanks, babe, but ya don't have to worry. Roseanne, I'm not (and never will be, no matter how old people call me). And that is so friggin' bitchin' about Janice and Sly—you're onto somethin', girlfriend!

Leonardo DiCaprio

Daniele Venturelli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Sorry to come back to this Leo-Blood Diamond thing, but you do realize that he doesn't speak "10 different accents"—they switch to Krio, an English-based Creole spoken mostly in Sierra Leone. I thought he got the South African accent down really well, and, being an aid worker based in Africa myself, the realism in the movie was much better than I expected.
  Lina
  Montreal, Quebec

Dear Leo Defender:
Whatever. I couldn't have been more bored. Even sizzling Jennifer Connelly's luscious breasts couldn't rouse me, so far adrift was I in Leo's sea of weirdo dialects and way too hot highlights.

Clay Aiken

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Usually I think you're right on—I eagerly await your column every day. But to compare Kelly Ripa to Michael Richards in your year-end Sugar Tits Awards is unfair. I saw the show with Clay Aiken (before the antigay interpretation had been applied), and it didn't even occur to me that she might be making an antigay statement. I thought it was funny, if condescending—something you'd say to a child, which is precisely how she treated him. Richards' comments, on the other hand, left no room for interpretation.
  Lydia
  Cleveland, Ohio

Dear Missing It:
Only because Kelly's slyer. Read on for another point of view:

Kelly Ripa

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
You have said it before, but I find your pairing of Kelly Ripa with Michael Richards true justice. Just because you are pint-sized and sweet-faced does not mean you aren't a homophobic bitch. I don't think it is Clay who needs an attitude readjustment.
  Erin
  New York, New York

Dear Demi-Tasked:
You got it, hon! Trust moi, folks don't know the half of what that Ripa broad's capable of.

Michael Richards on Letterman

Courtesy CBS Television/Entertainment Pictures/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I even read parts of your column to my hubby once in a while. It's great to know there are still people in the City of Fallen Talents who aren't afraid to have their own opinions, tell the truth and take a stand in the cases of Mel G., Michael R., Kelly R., etc. Love you for that even more. One complaint though: Please get some highlights—looks more sex-ay!
  Galina
  Saratoga, California

Dear Coif Cutter:
Oh, darling, and you were doing so well up until then. Don't you know gray's the new blond?

Matt Damon

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile
is Matt Damon. Easy one.
  Marie
  Indianapolis, Indiana

Dear Ain't Easy:
You wish (me, too, sometimes). Think, uh, slightly less celebrated.

Dear Ted:
"Celebrity rehab has nothing whatsoever to do with reality. Teams of stupid, drunken civilian lemmings will soon find themselves embarking on similar paths, albeit without publicists, assistants, life coaches and personal trainers." You said the above like it's a bad thing.
  Ann
  Clinton, Washington

Dear 12-Steppin' Sasser:
Let's just say I'd like to see more folks stay with the Courtney Love new kinda life, once they embark on it—is that too pansy of me to wish?

Mel Gibson, Diane Sawyer

Rick Rockwell/ABC

Dear Ted:
Do you have a personal grudge against Mel Gibson? I don't like what he did, but let it go! He was drunk. He was stupid. We get it.
  Lori
  Sacramento, California

Dear Good Questioner:
Let's just say Mel's one of my weak points. I'll try and do better in '07, 'kay?

Pastor Ted Haggard

Collan Fitzpatrick/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
"Christians" like Ted Haggard give the rest of us a bad name. Not all Christians are hypocrites. While I may not necessarily agree with the homosexual lifestyle, I do not and will not judge. Love your column!
  Anita
  Dallas, Texas

Dear Dallasite:
Darling, two things: Thanks, and gay isn't a "lifestyle." We're born like this—we aren't handbags at Barneys you either choose to pick up or not.

Mike Myers

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Sooo, I think the transvestite of the newly divorced couple is Mike Myers.
  Mary
  Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Dear Hole in None:
Totally off, though a very, very amusing guess, my love. Think far more traditionally mainstream, and perhaps you'll see the man-panties-wearing light!

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