Somethin' smells (bit more than usual, too) about Christina Aguilera's plans, almost as much as this week's mailbag! Plus, the Rachael Ray brouhaha bubbles on...

Christina Aguilera

Before we get to the supersmelly mailbag, let's star-sniff: Christina Aguilera has realized that singing and selling baby photos ain’t the only ways to make a buck in this consumerist nation, and C.A. has jumped on the celeb-scent bandwagon, god bless her. Most important thing we need right now is another familiar face slapped on a fragrance. Yawningly called “Inspire”—c’mon, Chrissy, we expected something a little bit more daring from ya—at least she's pulling the butch-femme thing by utilizing both tuberose and musk. Also, the ad campaign was shot by famed music vid director and H’wood photographer David LaChapelle.

Funny, last we heard, there was some sniping from the LaChapelle camp that the visionary was less than impressed with the diva while working on set of her “Dirrty” music vid. But really, did anybody then like assless-chaps Xtina? Guess he got over his gripes with Aguilera and they pecked cheeks and made up. Wonder if it had to do with ‘Tina turning from a pierced rebel to a subdued soul-singin’ siren whose style’s far subtler. And that’s saying a lot, considering the singer was spotted at a restaurant reapplying her bright lip gloss after every damn bite. Hope she’s not planning to pull those tacky chaps out of the drawer once she drops all her baby weight.

Nicole Kidman

James Devaney/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Can you just leave Nicole Kidman alone? She's one of the few celebs who hasn't been pimping out her pregnancy and her belly, and suddenly that means she wasn’t really pregnant? She adopted before, why would she go through such an elaborate scheme to fake having a bio-baby now? Save your venom for those who ask for a certain "divine" couple who called a press conference to discuss a pregnancy.
  Allen, Texas

Dear Nic or Treat:
Don’t shoot the messenger, missy, just reporting rumblings from Kidman regulars who think they know more about li'l Sunday’s whereabouts for the past nine months than anyone else. And the only thing Brangie is asking for is world peace. And $16 mil for a front page cover for the twin tots, we hear.

Dear Ted:
What is the world coming to when a gossip reporter prints a rumor, declares it unsubstantiated and then gets ripped a new one when paid-to-lie-to-the-public publicists deny it? Keep on keeping on, Ted. You are one of the few gossipers left that actually reports gossip. And that’s why we love you.
  Knoxville, Tenn.

Dear Dare to Love Me:
I thought it was my gross distortion of the English language? That’ll do, tho, thanks babe.

Ted Casablanca, Kevin Costner (Swing Vote)

E! Networks, Disney

Dear Ted:
It’s the paparazzi you should be pissed at, not Tobey Maguire. If you watched the video you can see that their camera flashes were blinding him as he was trying to drive, and they were blocking his way—making it a very dangerous situation. There’s a difference between “being photographed” as you call it and what he and other celebrities have to endure. By the way, with your new unshaven look, you look just like the poster of Kevin Costner for Swing Vote.
  Glendale, Calif.

Dear Pique Fuzz:
Cry me a $20 million (or however much green that shrimp gets paid) river. Tobey could hire a limo if he’s so delicate on the road. But thanks for the compliment! It was a compliment, wasn’t’ it?

James McAvoy

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Is Public Thrust from One PDA Pooftah Blind Vice James McAvoy?

Dear Want-ing More:
Jamie-babe is married, so it's a no go on this Scottish stud. We sincerely hope he stays out of trouble and Blind Vice territory. Think less It dude of the mo.

Drew Barrymore

John Sciulli/

Dear Ted:
Is Fake à la Ferocity from One Privately Eased Blind Vice Drew Barrymore?  Have you ever referred to Fake in previous columns?

Dear Barry-Likely:
Drew-hon’s way past the drugs; we just hope she doesn’t have a relapse after splitting with her longtime Long lover. And F2’s been B.V.’d twice. Here’s the first—keep trying to whittle it down until ya get a winner!

Elijah Kelley

AP Photo

Dear Ted:
If not Zac, Public Thrust must be Elijah Kelley. Give Brendan Fraser a break. He's obviously seeking succor in boxes of Blue Bell because of his recent single status. Instead of criticizing, if you could just help him find somebody new, the problem would be solved.
  Nacogdoches, Texas

Dear Quench Your Thrust:
P.T. ain’t the Hairspray or HSM hotties. How about boo-hooing Brendan give Pub Thrust a chance for a change of pace?

Hillary Clinton

Jonathan Alcorn/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Kudos to your "Desk D.C." Peps. They said Hillary would never be elected! However, now that you are a happily married man you haven't turned into a GOPer Have you? Horrors!
  Fairfield, Conn.

Dear Seeing Red:
Uh, yeah, I’m voting for McCain just as soon as I buy that business that he didn’t hook up with his second wife while still very much attached, and married, to his first (whom he heartlessly abandoned). Lie much, John?

Kate Hudson

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
I think Fake à la Ferocity is Kate Hudson, and Public Thrust is Ryan Seacrest. Close?

Dear Windy Wonderer:
Nope and nope—actually way closer on the first, not at all on the second. Think more steely on the former; far less on the latter.

Dear Ted:
B-O-R-I-N-G. You must have taken off early last week. Another one of your boring lists that was most likely was written weeks and weeks ago. What's the matter—too old to do any sleuthing nowadays?

Dear Disliking Lists:
We only took off enough time to enjoy our Fourth of July the right way—away from our computer screens. Oh, and you can eat my (old) holiday buns.

Tom Cruise

Lester Cohen/

Dear Ted:
In reports of Nicole Kidman's new baby, it's stated that she suffered a miscarriage early in her marriage to Tom Cruise. I recall that she was pregnant at the time they split up, and then had a "miscarriage." Of course, I've always wondered how such a devoted dad as he could leave his wife when she was expecting their first biological child. What do you think?
  Brookfield, Ill.

Dear Fight or Flight:
I think he didn’t know until it was too late to backtrack.

Keanu Reeves

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Paging Ted, the relationship expert! Since there are no denials or confirmation, what's your take on the Keanu Reeves-China Chow thing?
  Los Angeles

Dear Catching Up with Keanu:
Both are single, hot and already rich in their own right—all the power to ‘em.

Dear Ted:
Seriously? You don’t know that Ireland and the U.K. are two separate countries? What, the different currencies, governments, national languages didn't give it away?
  Dublin, Ireland

Dear Geo-Challenged:
Ain’t Northern Ireland part of the United Kingdom, or are we blurring our borders again?


David Westing/

Dear Ted:
Am I the only one who thinks it's curious how all of this "negative" publicity Madonna is getting coincides so nicely with her upcoming tour? Her brother's book, the A-Rod accusations and rocky marriage rumors...Madonna's a master manipulator. She's spent the last few years boring everyone to death by trying to be good. She's reverting back to her bad-girl days because she knows she'll get more media hoopla. Agree?

Dear Dancin’ in the Spotlight:
Madge has never needed her brother’s help in stirring up some controversy. She’s an independent woman; she can do that herself.

Rachael Ray

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Wanted to add to comments about Rachael Ray. While she is way too perky for me, I have to admit that I have tried some of her recipes and they turned out really well. I don't buy her being that nice, though.
  E-town, Ky.

Dear Rating Ray:
You bought her book, that’s good enough for her.

Jack Black

Glenn Weiner/

Dear Ted:
Is Jack Black Porta-Potbelly  from One Lard-Sass Blind Vice?
  Jonesboro, Ga.

Dear You Don’t Know Jack:
Maybe in his drug-induced heyday J.B. was out on the prowl for pretty young things, but not anymore. Think less family man than Jackie.

Dear Ted:
You're the only one with the balls to call Kidman out on her reported fake pregnancy and pap-beating ways. Everyone else kisses her plastic ass.
  St. Louis

Dear Pumped Posterior:
There’s Botox for butts now?

Horatio Sanz


Dear Ted:
Is Porta Potbelly Horatio Sanz?

Dear My Sources Sanz No:
Sorry, our B.V. is sans Sanz. Conjure up higher-profile projects than Hor-hon.

Vince Vaughn

John Sciulli/

Dear Ted:
Porta Potbelly must be Vince Vaughn! Portly, gets the hot chicks and has a dorky friend—Owen Wilson! Am I right?
  Utica, N.Y.

Dear Vaughn Vicer:
Not even close, hon. And a slightly skewed nose does not a nerd make. Younger. Way.

Amy Winehouse


Dear Ted:
If Amy Winehouse has such a drug and alcohol problem, why do people still book her for shows? Why is the media still covering her whereabouts? Why can't her label drop her for being so out of control?
  Flushing, N.Y.

Dear Car Crash:
Same reason Britney still had an album out. Mo problems, mo money, honey.

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