You will not believe what Eva Longoria Parker and her hub-unit, Tony, were caught doing in quasi public! Plus, our reg crank-a-thon Pissed List, as well as naughty boys who love 'em, leave 'em and then critique 'em...how dog-a-rella can you get?
OK, you know the cranky-ass drill by now, Monday’s are for two things: hangovers (you really don’t have to live that way anymore, folks, promise) and splitting headaches brought on by mind-boggling looniness in celeb-ville, hence our regular beginning o’ the week Pissed List, first up:
Big Mouth in Little China: Sharon Stone is humiliating herself, and she didn’t even have to spread her legs. Shar-babe is being publicly lambasted—with mucho good reason—by just about everybody after wondering aloud in an interview whether the massive earthquake in China might have been the work of karma...And yes, she's apologized profusely since. Didn’t Jerry "Butt-Brain" Falwell once wonder the same about gays and AIDS? Gosh, for amfAR’s chief spokeswoman to utter such an insanely dopey thing makes ya shudder that much more. China’s all set to ban S2’s flicks (she still makes movies?) and gal’s been dropped from Dior’s ad campaign in China. For such small-minded, reactionary outbursts, I say that’s not punishment enough: Stone should be made to watch Basic Instinct 2 over and over until the Olympics are over.
American Dad: Apparently Clay Aiken being a daddy is the funniest joke of the century, but we don’t exactly get it. The Idol runner-up is said to be fathering a child with the help of his good femme friend Jaymes Foster and artificial insemination (like you expected otherwise). Why does everyone think this is hilarious—just ‘cause the guy appears more fey than Miss Dunaway? If (and, trust, this is a big ol’ if here), C.A.’s genuinely doing this on his own accord—and not for some sick PR reason—why’s the idea of a flamboyant fellow raising a child inspiring all sorts of chuckles? We’re no Claymate, but we say good for you, Aik-babe. Just please tell your offspring to be more open in life.
Wild and Crazy Guy: Bill Murray and his wife of 10 years are splitting, and it’s gonna be Denise vs. Charlie 2.0, we can feel it. His soon-to-be-ex, Jennifer, is divorcing him on the grounds of the atrocious three A’s: adultery, addiction and abuse. We’re mucho mad about B.M.’s alleged ungentlemanly behavior (to say the least), but more so pissed that he’s now tarnished the good rep he had in our minds, which had lasted the span of his entire career, from Saturday Night Live and Ghostbusters to the minirenaissance he had teaming up with quirky indie directors Wes Anderson and Sofia Coppola. None of these wifely accusations are funny, and it’s gonna be a while before we see you on screen and are able to laugh along with ya.
Sex and the Gritty: Like hell the whole Sex saga would end up the way it did with Mr. Big suddenly being an OK dude (won’t give too much away here for folks who haven’t seen the very funny and rather sweet flick yet). The crusty thing that so totally worked about the HBO rebel show for years was how authentic it was: Guys usually are schmucks and nobody showed that better than Darren Star, Michael Patrick King and Sarah Jessica Parker & Co. But whoa, suddenly the reliably salty boob-tube installments become big-screen and big lies? Sorry, life just ain’t this tidy in reality. Not by a long stiletto shot.
We know how everyone within the orbit of a celeb who's spinning-out-of-control simply loves seeing their name in print, waxing poetic about the star’s private problems (Mr. and Mrs. Winehouse prolly have the U.K.’s Daily Mail on speed dial). With all the leggings, ladies and lush-related insanity surrounding Lindsay Lohan, it’s a wonder her way-long-ago-ex Wilmer Valderrama hasn’t spoken up to shell out his two cents.
It was only two years ago when Valdy went on and on about his bed habits with Linds on Howard Stern's show, noting that her breasts were all nature and that any firecrotches had been deforested (our euphemisms, his information). But L2 got off easy. W.V. added that the newly Mrs. Simpson-Wentz is a “screamer” and that he supposedly stole Mandy Moore’s V-card. Ugh, we feel dirty just repeating the info.
Not all tasteless lotharios are hexin' exes and looking for some attention. Justin Timberlake and Britney’s courtship seems a century ago now that she’s two kids in and he’s bounced from blondes to Biel. But he still finds a way to make some uncouth—and unnecessary—jabs at the pop star. Seriously, Spears has enough bad press at the moment; she doesn’t need her so-called classy ex joining in on the badmouthing bitchfest.
Didya think the Brit body double in Justy’s “Cry Me a River” video was his last stop at revenge for their ruined relaysh? No way. While promoting his first solo effort, Justified, Timbo handed over some private details of their bed habits to Barbara Walters, saying, “She lost her virginity a while ago—and I should know.” And this has what exactly to do with your album?
And just recently J-babe made some not-so-nice references to B.S. while inducting former Brit BFF Madonna into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame: “She has also kissed someone I may or may not have kissed myself...The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple.” There’re a helluva lot of Britney wannabes out there as well, even at this stage in the singer’s life. Don’t sell the gal’s accomplishments so short.
So whose a bigger dawg in the end? We’re prone to call this a draw, but at least J.T. has had a bigger impact in all things entertainment than just being known as that dude who had the accent on that canceled sitcom. Then again, Timber-babe’s unkind comments reach farther than Willy’s ever would, making them more damaging in the long run. No wonder Lindsay only hangs with the female folk nowadays.
Jared Leto, kicking off his weekend festivities on a Friday afternoon like any well-bred hetero: shopping. J, appropriately dressed in jeans and a red flannel shirt, was looking to get down 'n’ dirty while perusing Adventure 16, a camping and outdoor outfitter in Hell-Ay. But where’s the fun in getting frisky all alone in the authentic wilderness H'wood has to offer? Natch, J-doll had a female companion, donning her best don’t-look-at-me hoodie, while he purchased a book all about hiking with your bitch in California. Dog, that is. While these two were setting off on a long-weekend adventure, elsewhere were...
Tony Parker and Eva Longoria P., rekindling the lovin’ at Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica. Eva-hon embraced the beach-bum vibe, opting for a makeup-free, au naturel style and she still looked divine, noted a guest. Overall, the two seemed very “sweet” together—glad to see their romance act isn’t shelved when the cameras aren’t rolling away in plain sight. Tony, in town to play the Lakers, was not so successful on the court, but hey, you can’t have it all right? Elsewhere in Hell-Ay...
Evan Handler was grubbin’ on a burger at the newly opened restaurant Father’s Office in Culver City. Handler, who plays Charlotte’s adorable hubby on Sex and the City, was just as schmuckly engaging in person. E-hon was polite and friendly when accosted by a fan who invaded his space so much she was practically munching on his fries. Even though E.T. was in a mood to be left alone, he was pleasant to the staff, even giving the bartender a flyer promoting his new book about how he beat cancer. First Cynthia, now Evan...who knew?