Why does Britney Spears look like she might know the governor of New York? Why are friends concerned, yet again, about that unstoppable Lindsay Lohan, and why the hell are we so damn peeved? Find out, it’s time to let it rip!
Crap, it’s Monday. Yeah, whatever, let’s all get grumpy together, shall we? I mean, there’s soothing strength in naughty numbers, right? Forget about agreeing, already, and just read on for today’s Pissed List!
Britney Spears, Break the Ice Music Video

Jive Records

Bore the Ice:  Britney Spears’ newest video is, like, so boring. People don’t watch her videos for anything other than to stare at her. A better-looking cartoon Britney ain’t the same thing. This is a much more unsettling development than running red lights. See, folks were mesmerized by Brit’s costume from her How I Met Your Mother stint over on the Fox lot, where B-babe was just strutting around, in between filming, sans bodyguard (how revolutionary, huh, Nicole Kidman?), in mile-high stilettos and a total do-me strapless sundress. Girl’s still got it. Her noggin’ may be cooked, but, she simmers. Animated B.S. is just that.
Alicia Silverstone

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com

Upstaged Beauty:  We’re beyond put out that Alicia Silverstone was too afraid of being in Brit’s shadow, since A.S. was s'posed to be the star wattage of that particular HIMYM ep till B.S. finagled her way in. You got the female cojones to pose nude in PETA ads, Ali, but you back off a guest role once a pop trainwreck gets her greasy little fingerprints all over your storyline? Don’t forget you were once the music-video vixen in all those Aerosmith clips while Brit-Brit was still dancing for Disney. We expected more from ya, Silv-babe. Much.

David Beckham, Victoria Beckham

Rogers and Cowan

Send It Like Beckham:  Vicky and Dave-babe might hightail it out of Hell-Ay and move back overseas to Jolly Ole E once Becks’ contract with the L.A. Galaxy is finito. Say it ain’t so! These British beauties (and their too-cute breakdancin’ offspring) are a breath of fresh air here in H-town...and with all the smog, that’s sayin’ something. V 'n' D are the most grounded of the superceleb sextet of TomKat and the Pinkett-Smiths, that is, even Posh lets her bob down on occasion to run amok in a plebian-populated Target with the kiddos. Then again, if they stay any longer, they’re likely to be converted...did we say Scientology? Stop stuffing words in our mouths! We’re talkin’ the movie biz, obvs.

Michael Jackson

AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth

Ranch Dressing:  Michael Jackson miraculously saved Neverland from going to auction again. You know what last-second salvation reminds us of? Those old Superman serials where Supes would somehow plunge to his death...but in the next ep, he had somehow escaped just in the nick of time, lickety-split. I’m sick of these moolah deus ex machinas helping Jacko out in a pinch. They ain’t ever gonna be paid back, since M.J.’s all but broke. Then again, American Idol is doing a second week of Beatles songs—wonder if the money Fox plunked down for the rights helped Mikey out any?


Steven Granitz/Wireimage.com

We certainly knew Steve-O had the jackass part down pat, but how were we supposed to know all those painful (literally and figuratively, folks) antics for attention were cries for help? Makes sense that a self-destructive dude would willingly subject himself to gross-out, preplanned pranks. Stevie was developing another stupid human trick, involving a jump off the building he just got evicted from, by the by, and landing on concrete, protecting his bod with a few measly cardboard boxes.

Turns out his buddies, including cojackass Johnny Knoxville, were the real ones protecting St’O from himself, picking him up and droppin’ him off at the psych ward for a two-week watch at Brit's former vacay hideaway and hospital hot spot, Cedars-Sinai. His buds weren’t cool with Steve’s ominious emails, his public probs with cocaine and the fact his g-f gave him a big N-O when he proposed, sending this usually silly guy on a downward spiral from three floors up.

Owen Wilson

Denise Truscello/WireImage.com

Point being, really, it’s nice to see even seemingly invincible imbeciles come through for one another at the end of the day. If only Heath had a handful of similarly like-minded amigos who were willing to help out before the worst occurred, huh?

Maybe people are actually taking note now of warning signs instead of ignoring and enabling—think not a single Owen Wilson pal caught on to their mate’s depression before he entered the emergency room? Not likely. Let’s just hope C-S and Steve’s support system works better for him than it did for Brit in two days' time.

Heather Locklear

Amy Graves/WireImage.com

And as far as Heather Locklear’s doc—who was, it appeared, trying to pull off the caring person thang, too, by calling 911 on the supposedly suicidal H.L.—sorry, his motives seem to be getting more and more dubious. Heather’s been telling her pals how outrageous the whole scenario is, that her daughter, Ava, “is the most important thing” in her life, and that she would “never” do that to her kid. And don’t forget, this is a broad who’s got a bitchin’ sense of humor, not a Britney moody type at all.
Richie Sambora

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

For ince, when Richie Sambora—her schmuck ex who ditched her, causing the demise of the couple’s marriage (a story this column broke, by the by)—hooked up with Pam Anderson secs later, Heather laughed. And then she laughed some more.

“I can’t believe I got dumped for Pam Anderson. That is just hilarious.”

Trust, this is a smart gal who knows something about booby-challenged chumps. We could go on here, but we won’t, at least, not today. H can take—and get—the joke. Also explains why she was with David Spade, as, we’re assured, she “loved how he made her laugh,” insist Locklear bosom buds. Jack Wagner, you better be makin’ your baby guffaw, now, hear?

Hambone YouTube missing Dog
Hambone’s become a local celebrity of sorts in the Hell-Ay area, and similar to most celebs, he’s become well known for all the wrong reasons. And not crotch-flashing...though the dog never did wear undies, we’re guessin’. Li'l Hambone, a playful pitbull, was waiting patiently outside a Hollywood 7-Eleven while his owner snuck inside for a few. Though the dog was tied up, it didn’t take long for a couple of crooks to nab the pup and throw him into a ready-to-go green van.

The dog’s devastated owner just happened to also be a TV producer (this is H-town we’re talkin’ about) and is using his media-savvy mind to try to get his precious pooch back. With a l'il help from YouTube, and every news outlet and blog that’s picked up this sad story, he’s urging everyone to keep an eye out for his beloved pet, and to never leave your loved lapdogs alone, even if you’re running in for a latte or a pack of smokes.

Seems to be a bunch of pit bulls gone missing in Hollywood recently...I thought Michael Vick was locked up? Seriously, dogfighting is right up there with drug dealing as a huge moneymaker in Hell-Ay, for shame. Just when ya thought you couldn’t sink lower than a movie exec as an occupation, this merde keeps poppin’ up.

Paris Hilton Christmas card


A bunch of other celeb pets haven’t been seen in awhile...all of Britney’s canines besides London have hid their faces for awhile (Bit-Bit anyone?), though we suspect it’s from shame. Paris’ entire 17-animal farm has gone MIA, also. Hey, at least we know Jessica Simpson’s doggie Daisy is doin’ all right, since we see her all the damn time. Pooch has seen more of the world than most humans do, lucky bitch.

By the way, Margo, my darlin' mutt, you’re grounded for life, sorry.

Heath Ledger

Kevin MazurWireImage

Dear Ted:
You can make your point about drugs via the sad demise of Heath Ledger. But your comment that his lack of estate planning is somehow indicative of his addiction is a laugh...How many 28-year-olds of any proclivity do you know that are into estate planning? I'd say zero for the most part. I know 40-year-old teetotalers who still have no wills. Probably your silliest comment for quite a while.
  Melbourne, Australia

Dear That's Sassing Something:
Now I’ve written some lame-ass things before, doll, true, but this just isn’t one of 'em. The guy made millions. He had a child with a woman he wasn’t married to. If you care about your offspring one iota, you make a provision, or three. Not silly at all. It’s called love, babe. Wake up.

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