Tears for Spears

Grab some pom-poms and check out our campus-cruising Blind Vice to guess which mature auteur is keeping real warm inside a few freshman dorms. Plus, from the mental disorders that brought you Britney’s Meltdown and Bradnan: A Love Story, comes Britney’s Meldown: The Sequel. Expect more drama, more action and even more exploitive TV appearances from Dr. Phil, natch. And Tom Cruise supposedly picks up a German accent for his new flick…and puts it right back down again!

Right after death and taxes, add Britney news to the list of things you’ll never be able to avoid. But at least passing on comes once in a lifetime and taxes just once a year—Britters is around every...damn...day. Recent wackiness, ‘course, includes B-babe getting lost on her way home in her brand-new Mercedes while taking a detour at a pap’s advice. Hey, at least she’s taking somebody’s advice! It’s a start, fer sure.

‘Course, the blaring ambulance and pap lights were blurring up off Mulholland last night—again—as Britney was, one more time, escorted by uniformed dudes. This time to UCLA Medical Center. “This is not how it was supposed to go down,” bitched a superclose source to the Spears clan, which has—as the Awful Truth was the first to break—been working on a Britney intervention, with consultation provided by the eminent doc known as Phil McGraw. Can’t say I was ever crazy about that idea (don’t see what boob-brain mama Lynne sees in the guy, at all), but apparently, Brit-Brit’s dubious keeper o’ the moment, her “manager,” Sam Lutfi, disliked the idea of his precious commodity being any where around the Lynn-and-Phil-arranged intervention even more so.

“What you see going on right now is pathetic,” complained my Spears insider, regarding the second overly dramatic Britney removal from her home, which Sam brought about and which Lynne reportedly did not want to happen. “This is a battle between Sam and Lynne,” he added, “it’s not about helping Britney."

No merde.

But hopefully the docs at UCLA will discover more of what’s actually ailing the derailed diva. Detailed theories abound, from personality disorder and bipolar afflictions to jealousy of rising tabloid-addicted sis Jamie Lynn. Nobody’s gonna know what the hell’s happening with Britney until she’s entirely clean and sober, which is what the first intervention was about. This is a point on which the Spears ‘rents (par-tick dad Jamie) have been adamant about from the get go. So, I’m assured by those close to the clan.

After that, we’ll see. And I predict we won't find out anything about what's truly going on in the Spears noggin’ until she goes someplace to find out—on her own accord. Even dim-witted mama Lynne knew that one.

And whatever the reason is for B.S.'s weird wigs and self-destructive exploits, I’m hesitant to place the blame on the media, moi included. Sure, we’ll gobble up the photos and videos of our dear Spears, but we’re not the ones pushing her into every corner pharmacy or the arms of every shady photog. The moment someone records her doing her business in a gas station bathroom, though, is when I pick up a book. (Nothing by A. Morton, either.)

Hell hath no fury like a Cruise missile diverted.

Clearly, Tom is poised to reinvent himself. I am so all for that. Not sure I would have couch-jumped my way through a midlife crisis (getting married and falling in love with a mutt who pees on my white carpeting seems to be more my tack), but whatev. And, trust, the other T.C. dude takes his new types of films he’s embarking on, post the whole shoot-‘em-up franchise thang, veddy seriously. So, too, do some of his current colleagues.

But first, let’s back up: You see, Andrew Morton, Cruise’s arguably failed tell-all smut digger, isn’t alone. There seem to be legions of folks who are anxious to pick apart everything that is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. And, trust, folks who are far less heralded than Princess Di’s old biographer are doing a much better job.

Some sources close to Cruise’s 34th film, Valkyrie, insist these agenda-filled hate mongers have been conniving overtime. Specifically, an item here two days ago mentioning a source who had seen early Valkyrie footage claimed T.C.’s performance in the Bryan Singer, Nazi-era suspense flick was like something out of a high school play, among other choice criticisms.

Look, Singer’s awfully talented, whether he’s doing a splashy X2 job or something more quietly gripping such as Usual Suspects. And I’ve been screaming for years that Cruise deserves his friggin’ Oscar (should have gotten it for Magnolia), and one day, knock on Oprah's head, he'll grab his gold—just like his ex Nicole did hers.

Point being, others who have also seen the same Valkyrie footage have ringy-dingy-ed me with the news that Singer has helped Cruise, along with primo performers such as Kenneth Branagh and Tom Wilkinson, deliver some of their most chilling and effective cinematic suspense work in some time. That’s what they say. All edge-of-your-seat stuff.

Fine. Let’s see for ourselves, shall we, once the damn movie comes out next October? ‘Cause, listen, it’s only going to get worse. Things like who’s giving more moolah to Scientology than Tom, and are David Beckham and Will Smith being groomed to eclipse his sainted Scientology crown—these are just some of the goss items about to churn your busybody ways, if they haven’t already. I say, let’s at least let the pro side of T.C., apart from the more personal kooky stuff, stand for itself once we see it. ‘Kay?

 “It was agonizing.”

—Bryan Singer’s decision on whether or not to have his actors, both English and American, among other nationalities, use German accents in Valkyrie, according to a source most close to the good-looking gonzo director

Interesting that there’s such a to-do over Cruise’s German assimilation for Valkyrie. Our original firsthand witness of the flick’s early footage bitched that T.C. seemed like something out of high school version of “Springtime for Hitler.” Ouch! But get this: He may have appeared that way to one person, but we snoopers here at A.T. are assured there are no fake German accents in the flick. When you hear Tom as Col. Claus von Stauffenberg, you hear...Tom.

"Otherwise he would have sounded like Col. Klink,” reasoned the V sourcer. Not sure I’d agree, but think everybody knows how I feel about the boy by this barking point.

“Everybody speaks in their natural accent,” revealed the Valkyrie mover ‘n’ shaker. “It was a very hard decision for Bryan to make, but he felt that was best.”

Like I said before. Let’s wait and see, eh? Said the same thing to A.J. Hammer just the other day on Showbiz, where he practically upchucked over the idea of Denise Richards doing a reality show with her kids. Hey, give the broad a chance, ‘kay? She had the good sense to leave Charlie, right? Maybe she knows what she’s doing, after all.

'Course, she did hook up with him in the first place, but we all make mistakes.

Blind Vice  op-quiz, hot shots: How’d you spend your college spring breaks? Baskin’ and bakin’ with your sorority sisses in sunny South Beach? Cavorting with your fellow coeds away from campus, right, brah? Well, fab filmmaker Über-Cool Unzipped likes to spend his vacay time off-set, stepping back into uninhibited university lodging. That’s one way for his barely legal lotharios to score a sweet internship!