So, when I ran into Randy Jackson at Details magazine's Mavericks issue party last Thursday, I had to get the jolly judge's two cents on the whole Sanjaya sitch.
"You love him, don't you?" he exclaimed, as soon as I asked him to weigh in. "I think he's a smart, cute kid."
But smart and cute doesn't win singing contests—or it's not supposed to, right?
Simon Cowell has already said he's quitting if Sanjy wins. I asked Randy if he felt the same.
"Oh, he's not gonna win!" he scoffed, as if it was the most ridiculous thing uttered since Britney and K-Fed's wedding vows.
I say, you never know...America sure seems to like him. (Either that or sabotaging the show and pissing off Simon, who knows?)
Speaking of all things pissy, let's dive into that deliciously dishy mailbag, shall we?Dear Ted:
A few years ago, a friend and I sat next to Brandon Davis and Mischa Barton at the second Bridget Jones movie. Mischa had to keep shushing Brandon, who would not only not shut up, but then answered his phone during the movie. The best putz moment, though, was when he, in all seriousness, asked Mischa what RIP meant during the gravestone scene. Then I had to listen to her explain what it meant. The no-lights-on-upstairs look he has is sooo real.
Rach
Los Angeles
Dear Davis Ding-Dong:
Love your brush with Brandon story, and I don't doubt it for a minute, doll! Just shows that money can't buy class—or brains.
Dear Ted:
As for your suggestion to Simon Rex and those of his rapping-white-boy ilk to "put his mouth where his privates want to be," well said, Teddy. You truly do speak for the masses, doncha? Bless you.
Kimberly
Sherman Oaks, California
Dear Too Kind:
Glad you agree, g-friend! It's like they say: put out or shut up!
Dear Ted:
I've been on vacation, so I'm only just now catching up on your columns for the past two weeks—you have been busy! I have to take a guess on both the Bodily Fluid Blind Vices, and I kinda hope I'm wrong on the first one, Randy Rubber—but is it Denzel Washington? The second one is so Claire Danes! From My So-Called Life to univ to stealing Mary-Louise Parker's guy when she was eight months pregnant (!), the girl is a train wreck. Am I close?
Natalie
Dear Hot 'n' Cold:
Already told you last week that Blood E. Nostril ain't Claire, but I'll let you slide since you were on vacay. And you're semiclose with Denzel, but no cheatin' cigar. Think younger.
Dear Ted:
Dissing Russell Crowe again, and with some minor gossip that happened months ago. What's the matter, Ted? Rusty turn you down again?
Karen
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Dear Salt-Water Sasser:
Oh, darlin', you're reaching. I haven't had the hots for Rusty since I heard he talks about himself during sex.
Dear Ted:
Deartha Death in One Crinkled Comeback Blind Vice has to be Paula Abdul...seems fitting! She always seems so strung out and loopy. I recently saw her do an interview on Extra with her dumb dog on her lap while discussing her new jewelry line sold on QVC. C'mon—I have to be right on this one!
Jenn
St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada
Dear Straight-Up Sassy:
I'll give you an A for effort, babe, but you get a big fat W for wrong. The wonky, wobbly American Idol judge isn't our darling Deartha. Let's just say D.D.'s paychecks came from things far raunchier than bad singing.
Dear Ted:
I'm thinking Deartha Death has to be Carmen Electra. She's always up to something new and is famous for everything but nothing specific. Am I right—or at least in the right neighborhood?
Sam
South Elgin, Illinois
Dear Eyein' Electra:
Not an awful answer to my vice, but incorrect nonetheless. Although D2 is known for kinky things like Carm-doll is, come to think of it.
Dear Ted:
Enough of TomKat. Who cares? Whatever happened to sweet Katie Holmes? Is she a zombie now? And is it me, or does Victoria Beckham look like a boy?
Pam
Burlington, Massachusetts
Dear Duh:
Darling, I said weeks ago that Vicks looks like an adolescent boy in a box. Get with the pissy program! As to what happened to Ms. H.—only Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman know for sure.
Dear Ted:
As a writer, you ought to know that a surname is a person's family name—not their given name. Thus, you do not share your surname with Ted Haggard—although I'm sure at times you may wake up and feel that your name should be Haggard.
Frank
Marina Del Rey, California
Dear a Little Too Frank:
Color me corrected. And are you trying to say I need a facial or something?
Dear Ted:
Is Blood E. Nostril Mandy Moore? She always seems squeaky-clean and has been in the tabloids as of late with her breakup...Am I, for once, right on this one?
Mary
Ames, Iowa
Dear Wishful Wandering:
Nah, our little schoolgirl gone sour ain't Mandy. B.E.N. has never sung or recorded an album, if that helps.
Dear Ted:
Since you know all and see all, please share whether you think Brad is going to grab the blob, aka Shiloh, and run from the increasingly freaky Angelina.
Crazy
Mobile, Alabama
Dear Jennifer Aniston:
No.
Dear Ted:
Is Deartha Death Pam Anderson?
Barb
Dear Boobs on the Brain:
No way, hon—think less perky, busty and blond. D2 might have a daunting disease, though, like Pammy-pie—who knows, with her past?
Dear Ted:
One Crinkled Comeback Vice is clearly Sharon Stone. She should really stop trying to be 25. Jeesh, I'm in my mid-30s, and I don't wear leather chaps anymore.
Nicole
Chicago
Dear Wrong Instinct:
I love Miz Stone's ballsy fashion freak choices...sorry you don't feel the same! And wrong gal, by the way.
Dear Ted:
I absolutely love your column, and I love the Blind Vices even more. How on earth do I find out who these Vices are about, as I am dying to know!
Michelle
Chicago
Dear Nice Try:
Just buy the book, sugar-toots.