Rihanna, Miley Cyrus

Michael Caulfield / Getty Images; L Cohen/TCA 2008 / Getty Images

Dear Ted:
The highlight, or I should say (trailer-park cheap) lowlight, of your entire political tirade? The fact that you clearly assert we deserved the events of Sept. 11. Say what you want about any political candidate raising more money than our entire Federal Depository holds and could single handedly bail out both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and could likely bail out every foreclosed homeowner in the U.S. with their war chest (scandalous on its own accord!). The candidates chose to run in the political circus. Even a good, Texas boy knows that's an inexcusable slight to the memory of the victims and their families. Conspiracy theorize on your own time. Be angry, but for goodness sakes, Ted, be respectful.

Dear Why So Serious:
And people say I write run-on sentences? Jeez, Dana, breathe once 'n' awhile, 'K? Then, perhaps, you'll be able to snap out of it and realize I didn't even remotely imply such a thing as what you're saying, how ludicrous.

Dear Ted:
Did you see the VMA Awards & Fashion Rocks? Please tell me how the heck can Miley Cyrus be nominated on MTV and perform with talent like Beyoncé, Mary J, Mariah, etc. on Fashion Rocks? She was trying to sound like Rihanna but sounded like a wannabe. She is becoming this wiseass cocky girl who seems to put on an innocent act. It is scary to think so many young girls look up to her. Wake up mothers!

Dear Role Models:
TV producers are smarter than most moms out there, and know that if they put M.C. on their show, hoards of teens will check it out. Have you noticed any big event the Disney princess has not been at in the last year?

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Chad Michael Murray? Would you even tell us if we guessed correctly?

Dear Murray Mistake:
It ain't Murray—we'd have no problem giving Chad's bedroom habits away. Toothy's much juicier than some One Tree Hill chump.

Dear Ted:
Not familiar with you, and after just watching your video regarding Gov. Sarah Palin, I must say that not only do I find you immature and silly, but your comments are so offensive that I will never return to the E! Online website again! What has happened in your life to make you so filled with hate that you would feel compelled to use your time to hurl such insulting remarks about a person that you don't even know instead of commenting on the entertainment industry, which is what I assume you are paid to do?

Dear Palin Protector:
Let me get this straight, as it were: I'm supposed to ignore folks half of Hollywood's screaming about and who also say I have fewer rights than she does? What rock did you grow up under?

Dear Ted:
You have it all wrong. Obama was not making a jab at Sarah Palin. Obama has vowed to run a clean campaign (as did McCain by the by). "Lipstick on a pig" is a common saying. Google it. McCain himself used it many times, as did Dick Cheney. Problem is the McCain-Palin campaign took Obama's comment totally out of context. Obama was referring to McCain's economic plan and attempting to make the point that it does not represent change, that it is more of the same. Hence, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still essentially just a pig. It's not anything different. If anything, Ted, you should be outraged. Note: the McCain-Palin campaign wasted no time generating an undermining television ad smearing Obama for a statement completely taken out of context. All for the objective of incensing voter outrage. Deceitful!

Dear Missed Piggy:
Uh, as I said a few letters above, babe: re-read. We are in complete agreement, I fear.

Dear Ted:
Matt Damon
is my hero for speaking of the scary Palin nomination. No, I don't want to f--k Matt Damon, unless he really insisted. But if you see him, tell him he's a hero and l love him more now.

Dear Ben Affleck:
Tell him yourself!

Dear Ted:
You've kept the toothpaste cap on Toothy Tile's identity for too long! Toothy is like your "Who Shot J.R." of the digital age.

Dear Mystery Man:
We promise we won't pull a Dallas and make it all just a dream at the end of the A.T.'s run. Which ain't happening anytime soon, kiddos, worry not.

Dear Ted:
Poor little Margo! I saw her backside, and how could you show her female business to the whole world. Ugh, men! So when will we get to see you in a new superhero outfit? And no, not Iron Man. How about Spidey? Love ya!

Dear Margo Over Men:
Oh, whatever. It was just her period with a little doggie tampon, what's the big deal? She has no shame about it, why should we?

Dear Ted:
How did Jennifer Garner take being ranked No. 2 on Forbes Most Overpaid Celebs list? Finally, someone said what my friends and I (all big Alias fans) have been thinking for years—since when was this woman actually considered a star?

Dear Gunnin' on Garner:
Ever since she dumped Foley for Vartan, then ditched Vartan for Affleck. It's always the scandals that turn decent actresses into stars. See: Lindsay.

Dear Ted:
No one gives a flying f--k what you think, Casablanca. You are just a pathetic jerk.

Dear Potty Pisser:
Well, that's obviously not true, as you are making plain.

Dear Ted:
Please be a leader in this media sprint. Don't be a follower. We the people need reporters that will report the news and not the snippets of entertainment that is taking over the political scene. You stated that Obama was your favorite. Well, follow his advice—enough is enough! Please don't fall victim to the McCain express of popularity winning the election instead of policies.

Dear Political Plea:
Exactly my point.

Dear Ted:
I've written once before when you complained about Katrina's relief efforts in spite of my husband being there to help right after returning from Iraq. He was sent by his commander in chief and hindered by the state and local governments in Louisiana, all Democrats. The misinformation in the media is disheartening. From Katrina relief to Palin's experience, I'm disgusted with the misinformation. Governor Palin isn't getting a fair shake in the mainstream, and you are adding to it. I read your column for a little relief from the watercooler debates. Leave the politics alone and go back to what you do best, celebrity gossip. I don't want to avoid you until after November.

Dear Sarah's a Star:
Sorry sweetie, Palin's a celeb now, and she's up for discourse as much as Britney, if not more. At least we know Spears will never be in charge of a country (let alone her own kids).

Dear Ted:
is the biggest jerk, and Heidi is going to take only so much and she will dump his tired ass. Also, he is driving a 7-series BMW. Where does he get his money from?

Dear Spencer Spending:
The dude's dad is a hotshot Beverly Hills dentist, so that explains the pre-Hills moola. But ever since then, all his pocket money's come from simply existing within the shooting range of a camera.

Dear Ted:
I love that you print all those nasty letters. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be just a little insulted, yet you go and publish them to the world. Nice. So, is Tobey M. our boy Toothy?

Dear Blinded By the Bisexuality:
Thanks and no. Think prettier. Kinda right on the rest, though!

Dear Ted:
Stop with the Palin bashing, we want Hollywood gossip. Your Palin bashing just shows you are either scared of her presence or you want to bed her... either way it's not appealing and it makes your butt look big.

Dear Brilliant:
I'd be scared of her presence if I was about to bed her.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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