Kate Moss

Cavan Pawson/Solo/ZUMAPress.com; Getty Images

As we reported last week, the United Kingdom's linguistics community was mystified by the asterisk-laden word in a headline offering Kate Moss’ statement, “All men are b******s.” Now, that riddle has been solved.

“After thorough investigation, we’re convinced it’s bastards,” declared Oxford University’s Dr. Martin Longbranch-Stlin. “Moss’ theory is groundbreaking. And, astonishingly enough, our research so far indicates that it's true. In some way, all men really are bastards.”

Though Longbranch-Stlin’s findings have been widely accepted among linguists, media attention has focused on Roark Lemmon, a Miami-based mystery shopper and leather enthusiast who refutes the theory. “My partner, Kyle Menninger, is in no way, shape or form, a bastard,” read a press release issued today by Lemmon. “He’s actually a complete bitch. I, however, am a bastard, which Mr. Menninger loves and respects.”

When contacted with the news, Longbranch-Stlin expressed shock: "If this chap really is a bitch, it represents a crucial flaw in Moss' theorem. We're going to have to do some major rethinking. At least he's not a son of a bitch."

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