Michael Jackson, Jessica Simpson

Getty Images, James Devaney / Getty Images

Like a hideous Steven Spielberg-created creature, it’s here! A 50-year-old Michael Jackson now occupies precious space on our ever-endangered planet. Are little boys safe? Guess I’ll leave that to the preposterously celeb-ass-kissing West Coast courts to decide.

On better and second hunch, let’s not. Let’s not forget the depositions which contain harrowing descriptions of acts no child could dream up, no matter how much their parents might have been dreaming of green. Happy B-day and no more, we say, Jacko.

And on lighter (and blonder) but perhaps also fake happenings, Jessica Simpson is yapping away to the press Michael Lohan-style about her relaysh with Tony Romo, calling him “the love of my life.” Nicer things than Daddy Lo & Co. have been swapping back and forth, but just as stupid.

Hasn’t J-babe learned anything from the last time the two parted ways, right after a similar media cupid spilling? Learn a thing from Ashlee about keeping coy, huh? We’re on your side, hon, we like ya happy.

—Additional English-screwin’ reporting by Becky Bain.

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