When Did Prince Harry Become the Hot One?

I have always had a crush on Prince William. But over the past month, I think I am starting to have a crush on Prince Harry instead. My two other friends also have a crush on Harry now. Why is this happening? Help me, Answer B!tch!
—Georgia, New York

I just adore Harry. What a sad lad he seems to be these days, though, mooning over that snarling, top-heavy blonde and moping about in Canadian strip joints. (Canadian strippers? Why don't his valets, or whatever his princely entourage is called, fly poor Harry to Vegas so he can live like a properly dissipated monarch-in-waiting? Henry VIII would have jetted to Vegas on a jewel-encrusted, flying pleasure barge filled with French chicks wearing nothing but corsets made of prime rib. Honestly, these modern royals. No style at all.)

The reason Prince Harry has suddenly captivated us is the same reason why we know his taste in strip clubs: The news and the photos that go with them. Harry is suddenly all over the tabloids, and he also happens to be rather ruggedly cute. It was only a matter of time before you got sucked in, cupcake.

The media has upped its Harry coverage because of his on-again, off-again relationship with Zimbabwean girlfriend Chelsy Davy and because he likes to party while pining away for her.

The glossies cannot resist the ongoing soap opera. We get updates pretty much every week: Chelsy and Harry have been dating for more than three years. Then recently, Chelsy moved to England to study and be closer to Harry. She apparently hated the weather, and he reportedly started to flirt with other birds. And he reportedly blew off her birthday, and she reportedly dumped him, and then he came crawling back, and so on.

(And then she was all, "It was my BDAY," and he was all, "WUT EVR I'm gonna watch RUGBY," and she was all, "LTR you GIT." At least that's how I imagine the text messages went.)

As for the rest of us, after viewing Harry photos week after week, any reasonably horny person would conclude that he's rather a bonny chap. It's as simple as that.