Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Dear Ted:
Do you ever get depressed when reporting some of the sleazier and sadder bits of Hollywood gossip? Like when you discover that a previously admired actress turns out to be, say, Fake à la Ferocity? Seems like your job could be emotionally draining. Does it ever get to you, and if so, how do you deal?

Dear Concerned:
No. Never. But if I do find myself even approaching feeling something remotely close to self-pity, I just ask myself, ‘What would Angie do?’ ‘Screw Brad!’ I answer back, and then suddenly, for some reason, I feel all better.

Dear Ted:
I can't believe you called Jennifer Aniston "Maniston" in your latest Truth, Lies & Ted. That's so low. I think she's lovely and hot. Much hotter than Angelina, who has huge man hands and veiny arms and feet. Why don't you call her "Mangelina," huh?

Dear Mannish Much:
I think Jen’s hot too, calm down. Obviously, Angelina has huger everything in that family, but I fear Brad loves it that way.

Dear Ted:
Is Crotch Uh-Lastic Tom Hanks?
Milford, Conn.

Dear Det. Unzipped:
Nope. Way, way off, honpie. Think far more up and coming, in every way.

Dear Ted:
I, for one, like your yellow background and love the reasons why you picked it. I love how you report things, big and small (uh, really, no pun intended) without resorting to hateful schmeering of a person's feelings. Peeps in Hollywood don't like whatcha got to say? Well, jeez, I wonder why? I also love your kiss-my-ass pose!

Dear Bum Smoocher:
Thanks, babe, but kissing wasn’t exactly what I had in mind!

Robert Downey Jr.

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Luv ya, is Crotch Uh-Lastic Robert Downey Jr.?

Dear Crotch Shot:
Love ya back, no. Think younger, but just as horny and dirty.

Dear Ted:
I hate your new layout which is now like Perez Hilton and TMZ. I am at work and don't have time to look for things like Blind Vice Friday.

Dear All Work, No Play:
Well, then do it at home, babe. Don’t blame me for getting docked when half the stars in this town want to get dicked.

Dear Ted:
Yowza! What happened? Tell me true! Used to love the s--t you pulled with your column—the in-jokes, the interns, fabulousness!—but now your column is so…ordinary. It could easily pass for crap from the 'blogosphere.' So unworthy. So unlike you. Give me back my fabulous, fabulous faux-chinned boy.

Dear Plastic Pisser:
The chin’s mine, just like the exact same s--t that’s in this column. Only the packaging’s been altered, sweets, not the brain. Live a little, allow change.

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