Teddy C.'s house shakes as much as Christian Bale's rep these days! Plus, Tori dishes domesticity, not to mention 90210, and Toothy Tile has some majorly smokin' competition coming up, can't wait!

Christian Bale

AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi

I was busy talking about how Christian Bale’s literally going bonkers (not to mention Matthew Broderick’s up to something superfishy, posthookup rumors) for my new vid show, Truth, Lies & Ted. We film in at my home, mostly, crew of about a half dozen or so. Pad’s pretty high up in the hills, entirely cantilevered. And I’m tellin’ ya, right when I said somebody’s up to something naughty, the earth moved. And then some. We all ran screaming outta the house like little girlie ninnies. Some of it’s on tape, check it out tomorrow, and see if you can tell where the crack occurred, as it were. But I swear, I think some damn press peep arranged the whole friggin’ thing.

Lance Armstrong

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Elsewhere, not only am I being chastised for saying I don’t buy Lance Armstrong’s new aw-shucks-I’m-just-an-American benevolence reinvention (this man’s a player like nobody’s biz, just ask freshly ejected Kate Hudson if you don't believe), Toothy Tile’s handlers ain’t too happy with me either, not to mention camp Tom Cruise, girlfriends. Sure, there are more than a few behind-the-scenes T-town wizards who would be more than happy to see my glass house shatter and crumble deep into a ravine...me, head first, along with it.

Question Mark Silouette

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Oh, before we get to such scintillating bits ‘n’ boobiness—means Tori Spelling’s on the way, trust—must tell you all that I dare say Toothy Tile must be paying a very well known, blockbuster-starring actor to homo-outdo his gay ways. Hate to be a tease ‘n’ all (that’s a damn lie), but you’ll just have to wait until Friday’s Blind Vice to find out the deets, hon-childs. I mean, maybe that nasty fag bitch Christopher Ciccone really has let loose something in the celeb air right now, what with his sibling-stabbing memoirs and the hilarious Cristina Crawford-esque interviews he’s pulling ‘round town. ‘Cause Toothy’s new matinee rival is pulling really over-the-top, stereotypical Rock Hudson retro sex shenanigans. Delish, can’t wait to tell you all!

Tori Spelling

AP Photo / Gaas

Caught up with new mommy T. Spelling and she dished about motherhood the second time ‘round. "It’s amazing" Tee said, nearly squealing while we had gabs and giggles at the Playboy Mansion. "Keeps you on your toes a little bit more. Liam’s still such a baby; he needs that attention all the time...one’s very girlie and one’s very Liam-like and boy-like...I’m still in bliss right now!"

 

Candy Spelling

Laura Farr/ZUMAPress.com

Uh, time out: You all know this is all a bit of a cover for how evil and daughter-dearest T.S. is planning to become even more so, don’t you? "It’s becoming an industry," a bud of Tore-hon’s said, regarding the series of tomes Tori’s penning about growing up with diamond-choked mama Candy. Just so you all know this balancing-out fact, that’s all I’m advising here, everybody. Before you read on:

 

Tori Spelling

flynetonline.com

The offspring talk made me ask T.S., since guys and gals are oh so different, if she can already notice other distinctions between the two sexes at such a young age. "One hundred percent definitely," Miz. Es agreed. "Liam was an angel...He was very subdued, didn’t cry—very mellow. Much like, you know, guys are mellow. Stella is a little more vocal. I attribute that to her being a girl...They want ,and they want it now." Too fun. Can’t wait to read the series of bookish bitchery Stella-love eventually gets out! It’ll be 90210 karmic!

 

Shannen Doherty

Bob Riha Jr/WireImage.com

With two babes in the house, Spelling has been spending time at home to rest, but she assured me she’ll be back to work on the tube (in a real show, none of this reality merde) soon enough, making an appearance later in the season on the new 90210 series. "I talked to Jennie [Garth]," Mrs. Dean blabbed. "I actually talked to her from the set; we were emailing. She’s filming, and she’s excited and happy to be there." What about the Brenda Walsh? She’s the only oldie we’re glad to see back in the infamous zip code. "I haven’t talked to Shannen since she’s signed on." Hmmm, can’t say I’m surprised there, since there was some mucho bad blood between S and Aaron. Either way, the new show has some large Peach Pit fuzz to fill, so it better not suck.

Dara Torres

Paul Drinkwater/NBCU Photo Bank via AP Images

No, it’s not shark week that’s got my water wings in a twist, but rather some bizarro rumors I heard regarding Olympic athlete Dara Torres. Torres is an H'wood native who is a badass swimmer, fer sure, but was also famous for her looks and body that came along with her marvy accomplishments. However, D was supposedly troubled because although her bod was tight 'n’ muscular, it lacked flexibility—something crucial for a gold-medal hopeful.

Dara found herself in some controversy a couple of Olympics back when she came out of retirement, sending rumors swirling that it was because she took performance-enhancing drugs, even though she denied and tested negative. Well, my very reliable medical sources tell me it’s not illegal drugs that are giving D.T. her most recent comeback, but rather something much more maternal.

Word on the road to Beijing is that about three years ago Dara found her body to be overproducing androgen, which was resulting in her lack of flexibility. Torres, who wanted to compete in the 2008 Olympics, was really concerned, so she, I'm assured, went to meet with a fertility doctor to help her find a legal and Olympic-A-OK form of treatment. Well, Dee sure got more than she bargained for. Along with taking approved hormone drugs, her doc also mentioned that giving birth would loosen a woman’s ligaments for a couple of years. Cut to 2008.

The fertile swimmer has been dating doctor David Hoffman for a couple of years, and the two had a daughter together back in 2006. Dara dished to Women’s Health magazine in 2007 about how happy she is with her hunk ‘o man, who is smart and in "really good shape." How convenient Torres fell in love with an MD who shares her love of fitness right around the time she had her baby.

Now that D.T. is out of retirement again, she has already shaved time off her laps and is ready for her second comeback. How utterly fab all this procreation biz is so very performance enhancing!

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