Which recently outta-rehab guy was Robin Williams makin' fun of at the 10th Annual Hollywood Awards, besides himself, 'course? And what's goin' down behind Sandra Bullock's and Ben Affleck's boudoir doors? Plus, Lindsay Lohan fires back at Morgan Creek for that nasty li'l letter—love it! (And you will, too...) 
Penelope Cruz

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Awards season kicked off with a potty-mouth-powered punch Monday night with the 10th Annual Hollywood Awards, held at the sorta-swank Bev Hilton. This awards ceremony, sponsored by the Hollywood Film Festival, brought out almost more A-listers than the friggin' Oscars! Penélope Cruz, channeling Diane Keaton (or Ellen DeGeneres, not sure which) in a lesbian-chic tuxedo number, was honored for Best Actress, while Forest Whitaker took the honors for Best Actor.

And Robin Williams, who won the Lifetime Achievement Award and was in rare form, gets our nomination for best speech of the night, hands down. Obviously, his stint in rehab hasn't hurt his funny bone at all. "I'm so glad to be standing here next to this big H, " Williams began, indicating a large "H" that was to the left of the stage. "It stands for Hollywood, but for Mel Gibson, it stands for Hebrew!"

Robin Williams

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"It's great to get out of rehab and come to a place with an open bar!" he continued. "An optimist sees the glass half full; a pessimist sees the glass half empty, but an alcoholic says: 'Where's the f--kin' bottle?' " 

I know the feeling, pal.

No one was safe from Robin's roasting, including fellow winner Cruz ("You need English subtitles to understand her English!"), Jack Nicholson ("He's sittin' at home right now, sayin' 'I get more puss than a litterbox!' "), along with Brokeback Mountain (yawn, already!), Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Senator Foley scandal. Yeah, what-ev.

Sandra Bullock

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Other runners-up for best speeches included the sassy 'n' sweet Sandra Bullock. You can't ask her about the reproductive record, but she sure likes to talk about practicing for it! Take this little shout-out she gave hub-unit Jesse James:

"Finally, to my boyfriend, who I happen to be married to..." she started. "With the good loving you give me every day, and especially last night..." Oh, Sandy, I'm blushing, babe! Go on, tell us more. "...it's no coincidence that I'm freer and braver to leave the house because I can't fail, because I get to come home to you," she finished. Aww, Sandy-doll's horny and heartfelt...love it! Sure don't hear Brit Spears spouting such sweet idiocy...

Ben Affleck

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Like, there musta been something in the air, 'cause Ben Affleck talked about boning Jennifer Garner, too (okay, maybe not quite as crassly as I put it, but close). "The woman I have to thank is the woman who's home tonight babysitting my daughter," he said during his winner's speech for Best Supporting Actor. "She's the reason most good things have happened to me. So, to the people at my table, if I don't come back, it's because I went home to make love to the babysitter."


Lindsay Lohan


In all honesty, I really should report that bad girl galore, Lindsay Lohan, delivered a speech (for Best Breakthrough Actress) that raised far more eyebrows than did images of Ben Affleck's tumescent fondness for his wife. 

L2 started off by thanking predictable peeps for their generosity, apart  "from all the media attention on my extracurricular activities." Well, that's one way to put your clubbing and cavorting, you rather confused girlfriend.

Next, Ms. L. hit back at those head honchos who wrote a now infamous little letter about Lohan's on-set behavior: "I'd like to thank the people at Georgia Rule, especially Morgan Creek, since I was late every day, apparently."

So, you're saying the letter was unfounded, Linds? Kinda ironic, considering she was superlate to the ceremony that night. Old habits die hard, huh, babe?

Josh Jackson

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Or maybe not. 'Cause I ran into one of Lindsay's Bobby costars, the hunklicious Josh Jackson at the Starz after-party, held poolside at Circa 55. I got him to give me the skinny about Lindsay on-set:

"Well, I wasn't on that movie," he said in regards to L2's rumored unruliness during Rule. "But on our set, she was ready to go, there on time, and I think the movie spells out that she was ready to be there. And beyond all the other things that get said about her, she's a fantastic young actress."

Et tu, Josh? You and Katie Holmes were so much for fun (and far less sound-bite politically correct) when you all dated each other, n'est-ce pas?

Carmen Electra

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Carmen Electra, chattin' about her new single status in Connecticut, of all places. The Mohegan Sun 10th Anniversary Weekend. "I'm not looking for anyone right now," said Carm, buxom and bubbly as evah, "but I'm not not looking." Well said, hon-bun! C. was sportin' a new, darker 'do, by the by, along with her black tank dress and dangly necklace. So the opposite of unattached Ms. E. was...
Joan Allen, who spent her weekend at Mohegan with a fine fella who "couldn't be any older than 28," according to smirking onlookers. J.A. avoided all contact with press. Shy about robbin' the cradle, babe? Own it...Heaven knows Demi does! Also moseying, of sorts, at Mohegan, was...
Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld, who performed and answered questions. Regarding the Seinfeld curse, Jer-babe joked he's "just glad to have anything named after him!" Keith Urban was slated to sing, but canceled 'cause of rehab. Is that really a good excuse anymore? Never mind. At least Kevin Costner's band boogied down as promised. Booty shakers elsewhere included...
Anderson Cooper

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Anderson Cooper, hangin' with a buncha gorgeous gents at the Scissor Sisters concert. Hammerstein Ballroom, Saturday, InWhySee. The superskinny and short Andy-babe rocked a gray tee, black jeans and hiking-type kicks. He was "really cute and very tiny" as he laughed it up and bobbed his head to the beats. Work it out, bro! (Oh, my Desk Anatomically Correct additionally informs me that CNN's top cutie has a "nice ass," always a bonus come contract negotiation time, doncha think?) Another reveler whoopin' it up, curvy style, in New Yawk was...

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com

Ashanti, gettin' treated to a surprise 26th birthday bash at Lotus by her stylist and best bud. The whole club broke into "Happy Birthday" when A. entered, and a cake, complete with sparklers, was brought to the sex-ay songstress. A.'s mama even got in on the action, dancing on the banquet with her daughter, à la Dina Lohan, but less vomit-inducing, know what I mean, my jigglin' jellybeans?
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