Lost: Michael Emerson

Bob D'Amico/ABC

Reading this Redux if you haven't seen tonight's Lost episode would be very bad. Spoilers, ahoy!

Now, let's discuss this madcap romp of an ep. And by "madcap romp," I mean this episode about which I said to myself 75 times in a row, "The suspense—it is keeelling me!"

So. First things first. Ben shot John in the chest?! Frak! No, no, nooooooo! The fact that Locke was still breathing (okay, rasping) is a good thing, but I happen to know that Terry O'Quinn recently sold his house in Hawaii. He told me so when I was on the set there, saying he wanted more "freedom" and "does better living in hotels." But...gaah! Here's hoping he's talking about a semipermanent residence in a Hawaiian hotel for the next three years, 'cause he simply cannot leave this show!

P.S. Dear Damon Lindelof, if you kill off John Locke, I'm sorry, but we're going to have to break up. Love, Kristin.

P.P.S. That was probably a lie, but I'm still gonna be really, really peeved.

Meanwhile, is it just me, or was Benjamin Linus' flashback the weirdest story ever told on this crazy-ass show?!  I mean, I thought the 815-ers had messed-up childhoods, but B.L. took it to a whole new level. Let's assess...

WHAT WE LEARNED

Richard:  Sign me up for whatever skin-care regimen Richard (Nestor Carbonell) is using, because the man ain't aged a day in 30 years. Not to mention Ben quipped to him, "You do remember birthdays, don't you?" Did he discover a fountain of youth? Rimbaldi? (Sorry, Alias reference.) Also, has the island ever considered having a clearance sale on mysteries, enigmas and riddles? Because I really feel like they have some surplus inventory!

Annie:  Awww, little Benry's got a girlfriend. Except where'd she go? Did he purge her? Did she just die horribly some other way, what with all the predatory "wildlife" on the island? Maybe she was in a love triangle with Ben and some other fellow, and she ended up boinking the other guy in a polar-bear cage? And was little Annie a dead ringer for Molly on Heroes, or what?

Alex:  I love Alexandra Rousseau-Linus (Tania Raymonde) to pieces! She knew that if Locke was heading out with her daddy, he should darn well be armed. Good for her, but this begs one big fat question: Why does father Benjamin tolerate such insolence from his daughter? I guess killing her might be a bit much, but how about at least a time-out? Why is his only concern her relationship with Karl? Is it because he's afraid she's going to get horizontal and then pregnant and then wind up dead? (Don't the Others have sex ed?!)

Help Me…  The whispers return in this episode, and in what seems to be the show's first ever face-to-face whisper, Jacob says, "Help me…" The Whisperers have asked for help before (repeatedly). Is there a connection? From this vantage point, the Whisperers seem like nothing so much as those dopes Estragon and Vladimir, forever waiting for Godot. I have never seen a community so desperately in need of Tony Robbins. I'm telling you, a few basic self-actualization techniques, and this whole thing could be over tomorrow!

Decisions, Decisions:  When pressed about the coming attack on the Lostaways, Jack confessed he hadn't shared the information because he "hadn't decided what to do about it yet." So, do you think there is an intentional contrast between Jack's caginess and Kate's desperation to share every secret she comes across? Which way is the path o' righteousness?

WHAT LIES AHEAD

Only two more episodes until you see the season-three cliffhanger, which will crawl inside your noggin, lay a little TNT and then light a match. Ka-plewey! It is most definitely a big, show-changing reveal, and it involves Jack and someone else. Also, somebody will die, and Ben will be left cowering like a wittle baby. Can't wait for you all to see it, so we can finally discuss openly without me losing my job. Jacob could be listening...

—Additional reporting by Jennifer Godwin

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