Johnny Nunez/WireImage.comFormer cohost of The View and twice-nominated Most Horrible Person on Television Star Jones filed for divorce this week from her husband of three years, Al Reynolds. Judging by the extraordinary lengths Ms. Jones went to in order to make revoltingly public every minor facet of her wedding ceremony, including the tasteless corporate sponsorships, it’s all but a certainty that the whole ugly separation trial and proceedings will be pitched, purchased and presented as a new reality-TV series. No doubt, to be broadcast on any one of those less-than-discriminating basic-cable networks.
Stunningly, The Soup Blog was able to get a very exclusive sneak peek at the not-to-be-forthcoming pilot episode, and, even though the following is entirely make-believe, we’re more than pleased to be able to provide you with your first look at the opening sequence of this wholly fictional show...
Breaking Up With the Joneses: A Star Jones Production.
EXT. MANHATTAN SUPREME COURT BUILDING—DAY
MUSIC: FAST-PACED, VERY ACTIVE—A NEW YORK CITY FEELING
The streets are busy. Pretzel carts. Harried people rushing down the sidewalk.
SUDDENLY! All traffic comes to a complete halt. Absolute silence!
All eyes turn dramatically to the main entrance at the top of the courthouse steps.
The front doors fling open! A flock of white doves bursts forth and flies off in all directions. STAR JONES, looking radiant and fabulous in a close-fitting, floral-print summer dress, steps out. Her bare arms spread wide open, palms to heaven. She smiles beatifically!
MUSIC: SOULFUL AND FUNKY
The crowd gathers into tightly choreographed lines of dancers along both sides of the marble staircase. Star descends toward the sidewalk, a wide grin across her face, followed by a team of dancing lawyers.
En route, handsome men of all races, wearing expensive designer suits, kneel before her. They present her with white roses and red, shiny heart-shaped boxes of candy.
Star acknowledges the suitors with a wry glance, throws her head back into a throaty laugh and steps onto the sidewalk.
Star struts along, a train of admirers dancing in wild choreography behind her.
A NEWSBOY, pulled right from 1933, cloth cap and elbow patches, holds up the latest edition.
NEWSBOY: "Extra! Extra!"
The headline reads: “SJ FINALLY BACK ON MARKET!”
Star gives a quick glance to the headline and smiles knowingly. She pinches the newsboy on the cheek and keeps parading down the sidewalk.
The newsboy freezes in ecstatic shock, tosses his papers on the ground, performs a quick pirouette and joins the terpsichorean procession.
EXT. HOT DOG CART—CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON: A pair of metal tongs drops an especially appetizing hot dog into its bun.
WIDE SHOT: Star’s ex-husband, AL REYNOLDS, hungrily rubs his hands together in anticipation of that dog. Al greedily reaches out but just before he makes contact, something captures his attention.
An expression of ultimate dejection cascades down his face.
Star appears! She’s all sass and Strong Black Woman. Her adoring assemblage lean from lamp poles and climb atop newspaper boxes. The action freezes. All eyes turn to Al and the hot dog.
He looks at the hot dog and back to Star.
Star raises her eyebrows as if to say, “Don’t even think about it!”
Al dejectedly hands the hot dog over to Star.
CLOSE ON: Star grins, grabs the hot dog and is quickly hoisted aloft by the devoted throng. Al sits on the curb, head in hands.
TITLE GRAPHIC:
Breaking Up With the Joneses
Coming soon to a circle of Hell.