Tom Cruise, Suri, Katie Holmes

GoffPhotos.com

Why are Shiloh and Suri always photographed, but you never see, say, Uma Thurman's kids? Are the paparazzi more aggressive about getting pictures of certain kids, or do the parents of certain kids just make it easier for them to get the photos?
—Callie, Des Moines, Iowa

Think for a second, there, Madame Curie: Children don't really do anything, not even the offspring of famous parents. (Unless, of course, you're talking about Miley Cyrus. Wow! Billy Ray's kid sure does it all!) So to generate interest from the public, and, ergo, the paparazzi, a celebrity spawn has to have something going for it, like:

  • Extreme newness—like, being born in the past 72 hours, preferably to parents who have never spawned before and who are both hot. Viva little Max and Emme Anthony, heirs to the Jennifer Lopez horde, whose cash-savvy mommy reportedly raked in $6 million for the first magazine photos! Hail to Halle Berry's new baby daughter, title TBA! May she make her ma even richer!
  • Parents in the news: fighting parents (Lola and Sam Sheen), bizarre parents (Sean and Jayden Federline, Suri Cruise), dead parents (Matilda Ledger), earth-saving parents (Shiloh and the Rainbow Gang).
  • An interesting little outfit with unicorns hand-painted by Sean Penn or something.
  • Some sort of news or gossip hook involving both the child and its famous parents, such as an adorable family birthday party at the zoo or such.

Without any of those elements, a celebrity child has nothing to recommend it to the plump, cooing housewives of Middle America, the ones who lap up the bulk of celebrity kiddie gossip and who never fail to buy People magazines that feature a new baby on the cover. So unless Uma's kids suddenly get themselves a new daddy—or maybe a new agent—they will remain relatively under the radar.

Even, I suspect, if the unicorns on their little shirts have been painted by Sean Penn.

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