Is Oprah spending too much time licking Obama’s behind to pay attention to her day gig? Just a question. But let’s discuss, fer sure, not to mention get into it with Tuesday’s bitchfest showdown, the mailbag!
Oprah Winfrey

Jemal Countess/WireImage.com

Oprah's been spending way too much time up Obama's butt—she's stopped concentrating on her own omniscient empire. Oprah's Big Give is Winfrey's first foray into the reality-show competition biz, and it's touted as The Amazing Race meets Extreme Makeover, with a dash of the most incredibly unsubtle example of product placement ever recorded. Why stop there? Why not continue copycatting and force all the contestants to pair up with a celebrity dance partner, then throw ‘em all in a house to live with a bunch of models and mediocre singers?

The Hollywood Reporter got the bad-buzz rock rolling last week, starting off their scathing review by claiming, “There is nary a single genuine giving moment to be found during the opening hour.” It only gets worse from there—the remainder of the review gives even us the shakes it's so cold, brrr.

What makes the show more heinous than other realityish shows like Moment of Truth or Fear Factor, which have no problemo exploiting the absolute worst in humans, is that O's show claims to be oh so holier than that indecent dreck. Hey, just 'cause you're trying to find some goodwill in the world doesn't mean you're not searching at the bottom of the ratings-grasping barrel.

What's so respectable about judging and ranking the ways in which people give to those in need, anyway? Isn't it the thought that counts, or is that just for horribly knit Christmas sweaters? What’s so reputable about a bunch of people who need the incentive of being on television to be charitable, feelin’ all high-and-mighty about themselves while using someone else’s cashflow to foot the bill? If you hand a 100-dollar bill over to us and we pop it over to the local orphanage, how’s that considered heroic?

We’re sure you’ve got a sweet soul, O. It’s not like you created your own Slutty Singles Island. But don’t kid yourself, or your legions of fans, that you’re serving yourself a slice of the reality-show pie for all the supposed “right” reasons. Stick to giving away free cars—no one ever minded when ya did that.

More (from the big O herself!) boob-tube benevolence biz tomorrow. Meanwhile, tune into the following uncharitable types:

Tilda Swinton

Axel/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
Just curious: Are you upset with Tilda Swinton for ruining what would have been a great Blind Vice or just amazed that an actress would so be so up front about her particular flavor of kink? You have mentioned it every day this week—but I'm loving it, so keep it up!
  Michelle
  Tulsa, Oklahoma

Dear 3:1 Flavors:
Both. But those Brits are always so classy, even when exposing their sluttier sides. Tildy bared her boudoir behavior, then nabbed herself an Oscar. Nothing classier than that.

Anna Nicole Smith

Lori Conn/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I don't really agree that Anna Nicole Smith should have been included in the Death Montage (love your creative name for it!) at the Oscars. She was an entertaining celebrity, but the Oscars are about movies and good acting. If something awful were to befall Paris Hilton, she'd never be included in the montage either, because, like ANS, she's a celebrity but not a good actress. I'm just sayin'.
  Nicole
  Belmar, New Jersey

Dear Oscar Mayer Whiner:
True. We think she should have gotten her own interpretive dance. Can’t say it wouldn’t have lightened up the show a helluva lot, can ya?

Dear Ted:
You seem to be an utterly unclassy and most uneducated person, I'm not even sure if you are a person. No wonder my friends told me to put in my comment, there is no adjective to even use to describe you, Ted.
  Jhoey
  Las Vegas

Dear Grammar Gambler:
There are tons of adjectives, sweetie. Someone needs a Tedsaurus.

George Clooney

JustinKahn/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
It is almost obvious that Cress Finesse from One Do Not Go There Blind Vice is George Clooney. Especially if we consider the fact that his latest effort in the director seat, Leatherheads, had some problems and had its release date postponed.
  Kamila
  Natal, Brazil


Dear Brazilian Babe:
Think less a dude you’d like to bungle in your jungle, dear.

Dear Ted:
What's with nominating George Clooney for Honorary Heartbreaker? I thought he was generally considered to be a nice guy. Are you referring to the pressure the goss rags put on anyone he dates, or is he a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy?
  Grey
  Providence, Rhode Island

Dear Clooney's Cuties:
Georgie-boy was married for a spell back in the late '80s, though the slap-bracelet fad lasted longer than that relationship. Since then, he’s jumped on, then jumped ship from, famous femmes ranging from Julia Roberts to Renée Zellweger, and not so known girlfriends like Brooke Langton, Lisa Snowdon and Krista Allen. Sarah Larson has yet to become a thing of the past, but we’re busy just preparing the hon for the inevitable shoot down.

Aretha Franklin

Steve Grayson/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You made a fat joke about Aretha Franklin? We had to read about your hatred for Isaiah W and your celebration of his termination (which was a grave mistake) for an entire year! Are gay people the only ones allowed to take offense, but then insult whom they want? Her being on a high horse, maybe—but the fat comment was not fair, and a bit hypocritical.
  Yvette
  Mays Landing, New Jersey

Dear Almost Got an Apology:
Were Aretha Franklin simply fat, of course, you’d be correct. But the Queen has become gargantuan. If I’m to warn folks in Hollywood to eat (not become anorexic) or get high in moderation (not Heath Ledger style), why the ef am I supposed to turn a blind eye to extreme obesity? Would be a double standard.

Meredith Vieira, Matt Lauer

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Have you watched the Today show lately? Matt has been downright mean to Meredith, and they've been sending her off on ridiculous assignments—what's the dirt? Are they trying to bully her off the show? Say yes, please!
  Sarah
  Bellevue, Ohio

Dear Mere-Death:
You're onto something, I assure you. It all smacks of (an older) Deborah Norville, n'est-ce pas?

Lindsay Lohan

Jamie McCarthy/wireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Huge Lindsay fan. I saw pictures and read she auditioned for Ed Norton's new movie Leaves of Grass. Did she get cast?! A love scene between them would be so hot! Plus, if anyone can make a person seem more talented, it's Ed. Did you see The Illusionist? Jessica Biel almost didn't suck thanks to him.
  Cady
  Los Angeles

Dear Lindsay Lovah:
Ya know, it takes less time to check IMDb than to email me to ask if La Lohan got cast in a flick. I ain’t yer maid who cleans up all your easily answerable queries! But for the record, it looks like the role’s still up in the air. Now I’ve got a Q for you—what exactly is there to love about Linds these days?

Carey Hart, Pink

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Had to write to second your quote concerning Pink and Carey's split: "That’s what happens when you tattoo your beloved’s name on your bod—it’ll always remind you how badly you effed up, long after they're gone." I mistakenly believed my husband was going to be with me forever. Isn't that what marriage vows are for?
  Jen
  Iowa City, Iowa

Dear Removal Rita:
Hindsight’s a bitch, ain’t it?

E! Personalities, Ryan, Seacrest, 66

Dear Ted:
Furrowed Frank
from One Muscle Matchmaker Blind Vice has to be E!'s own Ryan Seacrest. No one's words are more scripted or his hair more sculpted. The only crack in my theory: He must spend more time at the salon than in the gym! P.S.: Loved your Mangos.
  Sally in the Valley

Dear San Fernando Snoop:
No comment on your Ryan coiffure cattiness (I’d be one to bitch), but, trust, the dude-ogling dude ain’t R.S. Think far less studied. And, darling, even though my b-f, Jon, adores my mangos, I do believe you meant my Oscar-time awards, the Margos. Mare-see, sweetie!

Luciana Damon, Matt Damon

Eric Charbonneau/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Speaking of breakups, I wonder how well Matt Damon's wife is taking his and Sarah Silverman's "I'm F--king Matt Damon" video. I can't imagine any wife would be okay with it. Do you think this is a roadmap to splitsville, or do Matt and Luciana have "an understanding"?
  Wendy
  Federal Way, Washington

Dear Winks with Quotes:
Yes to the last query. No spouse to a major heartthrob in this biz gets married without one. Unless they’re on crack or an idiot, or both.

Rachel Bilson

WireImage.com

Hey Ted:
This is my first Blind Vice guess. Is Sally Sedate-Me from One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice Rachel Bilson? I wouldn't be surprised if neither her ex, Adam Brody, nor her new man, Hayden Christensen, are interested.
  Mandy
  Topsham, Maine

Dear Oh, Mandy:
Rachy B doesn’t have to fret if her fellas are fey. Think older and less incredibly cute (though our girl was quite the head turner when she first started out on the scene).

Jamie Lynn Spears

Paul Fenton/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Why is it that Juno (a movie about a pregnant 16-year-old) can't seem to get enough praise or positive attention, and was Oscar-nominated to boot, yet Jamie Lynn Spears (an actual pregnant 16-year-old) gets nothing but bad press and criticism? Not that I think 16-year-olds should be having babies, but how much of a conflicting message are we sending to our young'uns? Your thoughts?
  Laramie
  Tempe, Arizona

Dear New Here:
You’re obvs a newbie to this column, since we brought up the same query to both the flick’s director and screenwriter. Catch up on your AT goss before ya email, will ya?

Ted Casablanca, Margo

Dear Ted:
I saw you on an E! show the other day—why do they hide you behind the scenes? You are way too cute to be hidden behind a computer monitor. I WANT TED TV! How about a reality show with your significant other and Margo?
  Mary
  Dallas

Dear Bitch Licker:
Jon and I tried, but Margo’s agent wouldn’t budge. Thanks for the kudos, babe-sweets!

Kelly Ripa

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Death-Mint Myrtle from One Wasted Waist Blind Vice Kelly Ripa? She seems to be disappearing.
  Bobbie
  Ft. Smith, Arkansas

Dear Wrong Ripa:
They're both thin babes, but as far as we know, Kel's no meals-shy gal. Try getting inspired by a more scripted offering.

Reba

The WB/Greg Schawrtz

Dear Ted:
Is Death-Mint Myrtle Reba McEntire?
  Liana
  Altamonte Springs, Florida

Dear McEn-Try Again:
Reb’s holdin’ tight to her womanly hips, trust.  

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