Ferreting 'n' Freaks!

Oh my, such scary doings goin’ down, we must weigh in on this Halloween season, and beyond-ghostly Britney and Lindsay are hereby officially off limits, but not you, Paris, dear! Plus, Heidi Klum readdresses her husband’s package. It’s all in a reporter’s humdrum day here at the Awful Digital Detective Agency...

Scary merde’s goin’ down in T-town right now! For ince, Ryan Gosling ain’t the only nooky-lovin’ lad who’s keepin’ his sex antics on the down-low these days, as Brody Jenner’s said to be quaking in his little booties lately. Wonder why? Because dad Bruce and sassin’ stepsis Kim Kardashian are kickin’ his headline-lovin’ hot bum right now for somethin’ fierce? Good question.

An even better (like, totally) query would be why Katie Cruise’s fam members are not on board to go back and hang with Tom and myriad servants at his Vanity Fair-spread-ready Telluride compound this X-Mas. Too much fun for the overly Scientology-ized tum, you Holmes-ites? Hey, don’t knock it, overly. A dynamic that’s, apparently, still affording Kelly Preston anything close to a career, not to mention hubby John Travolta a paparazzi pulse, can’t be all bad. On second gossipy, thought...

Oh! Oh! Oh! I dare say Toothy Tile is certainly preparing to meet his match in the I want to come out/Actually, I don’t tabloid dance. See, there’s a megahunky, big-ass star who’s long known (by many, fer sure) to prefer the same sex, despite the presence of a well-regarded wife-unit. Said big-butt boy is also famous for a bitchy permanent boyfriend, who’s now cheating on the fabulously muscled movie star, fool that he be. Very Hugh Grant stuff, really. I mean, would you step out on Liz Hurley for Divine Brown? Eddie Murphy, quit screaming in the affirmative right now, nobody wants your opinion in this dame department, trust.

Anyway, we were saying. The above cheated-upon star is so upset by the aforementioned mattress meanderings, well, we dare say, he’s about to crack that famous hetero front of his (think, uh, a little less Lance Bass, more Neil Patrick Harris here). Tooth, see, we declare, you’re simply gonna be irrelevant by the damn time you come outta the friggin’ closet! Or is that the point? Sundry other celeb tricks 'n' treats too scary (or not) to contemplate include the following:

• Dina Lohan’s self-reported new reality show at E!: White Oprah having her very own boob-tube real estate would be the equivalent of candy corn. You know it’s bad for you, but you can’t get enough, and it makes you feel sick afterward. We’re on board! Even though it’d be total must-TiVo material, let’s just say it’s not exactly an announced deal (yet), despite what Dina’s saying (don't worry, though, you tackier boob-tube heathens). So, file this one under trick…at least for now.

• Heidi Klum not quitting her day job: Even though Heidi sings a duet with hubby Seal on his new album, she ain’t about to come out with her own CD anytime soon. “It’s definitely something I’m not meant to be doing,” she swore to us, when we asked about plans for a solo singing career. “But it was a lot of fun!” she said of her tonsils stab. Gals who know their strengths (and weaknesses) are most def a treat among the do-it-divas here in Tinseltown, n’est-ce pas?

• Paris Hilton releasing two movies next year and rescheduling her Rwanda trip: So, in 2008, we get to check out Paris’ acting chops in The Hottie and the Nottie, slated for release on Valentine’s Day, and witness her bizarro warbling in Repo! The Genetic Opera. Plus, P’s supposedly pushed back her big Africa trip because the charity that was sending her is “restructuring,” whatever the ef that means. Since the trailer for Repo was truly terrible and since Paris is known to make promises that sound good in the press without following through, we call trick on all the aforementioned, can you blame us? Just my b-f, whom Paris practically tried to seduce, can be heard in lone dissension.

• The Hills aren’t alive: This one’s a total duh, as everyone knew this MTV “reality” offering wasn’t all that real. We told ya way back when that they redo scenes multiple times and get notes from the director between takes. But lately, editors have been supersloppy, forgetting all about continuity. When Lauren goes out on a date, her nails are polished. In a scene supposedly right afterward, when she booty-calls Brody Jenner, they’re not! Now, rumors claim Lauren and Heidi don’t really work at their respective jobs when they’re not shooting scenes. So, for any of you who’ve been living under a rock the size of Spencer Pratt’s ego, just thought you should know the whole show is a low-down and delish dirty trick.

• Larry Craig has reportedly skirted stinky environs before? It’s the grossest spook ride we could possibly send ya on for Halloween, but if you want to know what at least one poor recovering slut’s busy journaling about the foot-tapping senator from spudsville, check this out. And Republicans say we Dems are dirty dawgs! Homo-hogwash! This one’s a triple trick.

• The Governator—since we’re on politicians from another planet—says weed isn’t a drug: Our Mensa-material governor, Ah-nuld, apparently told British GQ that marijuana’s “not a drug...it’s a leaf.” Dude, this is a total treat, you idiot! Regardless, legalize all leaves now! And free Paris and Mischa and whoever else puffs their hand-rolled cigarettes wherever they please! Oh, and if the cops try and say anything about their stinky stash, they can just inform them that Arnie himself said it was okeydoke.

• Catherine Zeta-Jones to the vampin’ rescue! Not only do we hereby officially bless and bestow sainthood on CZJ for telling folks she actually lives to eat (how unchic, how un-Angelina), but we love her for being what we here at Awful adore so: a stacked broad who cusses more than we do! All her close amigas insist it’s true. Congrats, Cathy, you’re not only a treat, you’re our official Halloween Hellraiser of 2007!

And, Ah-nuld, you didn’t even place, so go blow some leaves, already.

Size isn’t the only thing that matters for Heidi Klum...but it is a nice bonus. At the launch of her Victoria’s Secret makeup collection last week, we asked if she still would have gone for Seal had he not been wearing those Adrian Grenier-esque Spandex shorts. Indeed, Heidi told us it was only a “little plus point,” that fire-engine-down-below stuff of Seal’s. And the supermodel laughed, adding, “It definitely was! Things happen by accident...You meet someone when you’re not really looking, and then they’re in front of you, and maybe they have on bike shorts.”

We should all be so lucky to find out about the important things so early on, right?