Jessica Biel hosts a hotel opening in San Diego solo and gets lucky at the poker tables. But the babe’s so not in the mood to talk about anything...including her own charity! Thank gawd you Awful readers are always ready to mouth’s mail time!
Jessica Biel

Jesse Grant/

Jessica Biel hit San Diego sans Justin Timberlake to host the Ivy Hotel's grand-opening celebration last weekend. While she didn't bring J.T., Jess did have quite an entourage, including her mom, dad, brother, girlfriends and one male amigo with whom she seemed particularly chummy.  

The newly brunette babe looked gorgeous as ever as she played poker and sipped cocktails, but she wasn't exactly the hostess with the mostest. Despite the fact that all the proceeds from the poker tourney went to her Make a Difference charity, the bootylicious Biel refused to talk to any press peeps. Now, we're sure she didn't wanna field any questions about J.T., but not even a quote about her charity? C'mon!

Justin Timberlake

Lester Cohen/

And by the way, it's such a shame Justin didn't come along with Jess for her San Diego jaunt, because the Ivy is straight-up sexy. The hotel features glass-enclosed showers right in the middle of every room, which guarantees a very nice view if you happen to be shackin' up with Jessica Biel. Totally woulda been up Mr. SexyBack's alley, trust us.  

Speaking of all things hot, bothered and bitchin', it's about time we dip into the Awful mailbag and see what has readers riled this week. 

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Paul Fenton/, Digitalprofile/

Dear Ted:
It sure is beginning to look like Jake and Reese are really in love. Why would Reese go all the away across the country to be on the same island as Jakey? Is it time we admit these two are a couple?
  Mount Laurel, New Jersey
Dear Hook, Line and Sinker:
Uh, did you forget the movie they worked on together is being released in early October? On-set couplings are prolly just what the publicists ordered for some buzz and box-office mojo.
Rudolph Giuliani

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Presently, the Republican party has a flawed candidate in Rudy Giuliani. His family is dysfunctional, and he has been married three times. I don't think Hillary will have a problem. Mitt Romney talks out of both sides of his mouth. There will be a Democratic president in 2008.
  Princeton Junction, New Jersey
Dear Determined Dem:
Hey, we hope you’re right, you donkey diva! Just saying that my Washington sources aren’t so sure.
Star Jones
Dear Ted:
We take nothing you say seriously about Isaiah Washington. You have a serious bias against him. Let it go. You helped to get him fired, isn't that enough? Now attack Star for having an opinion! You are the racist one.
  Mays Landing, New Jersey
Dear Discrimination Diva:
It’s more about rights, not race, dollface.
Al Gore

Jerome Ware/

Dear Ted:
In this day of 24/7 media scrutiny, the American public will never elect a morbidly obese president. If you think Bush's weight gain is noticeable, then a 300-pound Al Gore (well, 310 pounds, 'cause of that extra 10 pounds the camera adds) standing next to, say, a svelte, full-haired Mitt Romney will guarantee another four years of a Republican White House.
  New York City
Dear Nicole Richie:
Nice try.
David Schwimmer

Donato Sardella/

Dear Ted:
Would Harkness Hose be good ol' Ross from Friends?
  Annapolis, Maryland
Dear What the Hark:
Way off, puss-cakes. Think less put together, more visible, as of late.
Lindsay Lohan

Jayson Mellom/The Tribute/

Dear Ted:
I'm so bored! When is LiLo going to be out of rehab? Gossip pages aren't the same without that train wreck. Hasn't it been 28 days yet?
  Morrison, Colorado
Dear Rehab Honey:
All the Brit blabbin’ not enough for ya? We gotta give the gal as much time as she needs to try and get sober, even if it means gossip suffers, right?
Amanda Bynes

Lisa O?Connor/

Dear Ted:
I love your column, but I have to disagree with you about a recent picture of Amanda Bynes. She looked beautiful. It didn't look like she was Tammy Faye's twin in any context. Amanda was made up, but she looked lovely.
  Stewartsville, New Jersey
Dear Double Take:
My gruff gray editor felt the same way and went to the matte for Ms. B, and I agree, the gal’s a doll, really. But a caked-on face ain’t cute.
Matthew McConaughey

Dear Ted:
God, if I see Matthew McC shirtless, on a beach, tossing something and grinning that "Aren't I handsome, look at me stretch, toss, etc.," I will smack him. When you try that hard to be sexy, you're not.
Dear Sick Chick:
Haven’t I been sayin’ this forevs? The hobo-hunk look is just funky. Shower, already.
Margo, Tinkerbell

Amy Graves/

Dear Ted:
I don't want to sound like a sanctimonious PETA person, but that's awesome you got your dog from a pound! It's good to see someone in the public eye adopt a shelter dog that's desperately in need of a good home, and not spend thousands on a puppy-mill dog at a pet store. Congratulations on becoming a dad!
  St. Louis, Missouri
Dear Puppy Puss:
Thanks, sweetie. I’d take Margo over Tinkerbell any day.
Ryan Phillipe, Reese Witherspoon

Lisa O'Connor/

Dear Ted:
Are Reese and Jake playing you? You report a close Reese source tells you she and Ryan may be getting back together, and the next day there is a report she is in Martha's Vineyard with Jake! What's the real deal?
  Morgantown, West Virginia
Dear Reese's Pieces:
"Deal" being the key word.
Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Maddox, Zahara

Dear Ted:
Have to agree with Liz of Chicago. I really thought your "Texas" was showing when you made the comment about the Jolie-Pitt kids. You can spin it now, but it really seemed, well, Texan of you.
  Los Angeles
Dear Kiddie Control:
I sympathize with each of the Jolie-Pitt photo ops, I mean offspring, equally, I assure you.
Zac Efron

Rena Durham/

Dear Ted:
Just wondering if you saw the hyped-up High School Musical 2, and what is your impression on Zac Efron now? His song “Bet on It” sure did look like an audition for Footloose, if you ask me.
  Beford, Virginia
Dear Footlost:
Not lovin’ his man makeup, but Zac-poo’s pipes are certainly promising. Sources tell us nothing’s been signed...yet.
Jason Priestley

Paul Fenton/

Dear Ted:
OMG! Sylvester Slimeball has to be none other than Jason Priestley! Skank. By the way, it's been at least five years since I last emailed you. I somewhat begrudgingly wish you a very happy engagement, but I make the same statement I did in my last email: If you ever go straight, go southern!
  Tuscumbia, Alabama
Dear Slimy Slip:
J.P. might be a little skanky, but he isn’t Sylvester Slimeball from One Comeback-Cliché Blind Vice. Think less coiffed. And thanks for the good wishes—I think.
Michael Richards on Letterman

Courtesy CBS Television/Entertainment Pictures/

Dear Ted:
One comment on your Star Jones Reynolds piece: I think you are 100 percent right about the whole "dustup" with Isaiah Washington. I would like to see her interview Michael Richards about his remarks. I bet she wouldn't be too happy and start kissing his ass.
Dear Dusty Darlin':
Thanks, babe-poo, but that’s one analogous ass-dining I do not care to conjure up.
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