If bitchy reader feedback isn’t enough to scare the pants off of ya, what Fergie supposedly lets trickle down her trousers sure will! That is, unless you naughty types are into that sorta thang, which wouldn’t surprise me at all…

Jean Paul Aussenard/WirEImage.com

So, I guess Fergie isn't BS-in' when she raps 'bout how she likes to keep it real. 

Fergie-Ferg is so real, in fact, that she still has accidents just like everyone else—well, maybe not just like everyone else, or at least not anyone over three. 

Ms. A-licious herself performed an hourlong set on Thursday night at the launch party for Lyric Culture: Revolution—a rock 'n' roll apparel line inspired by artists and their lyrics from the '60s and '70s. F., whose curly coiffure was covered by a black fedora hat, happily posed for pics on the black, grunge carpet outside Avalon.



Christina Radish/LFI

Inside, however, Fergie's peeps were singing a different tune: no photographs of the glam-gal on stage. 

Yo, what gives?

Well, according to one grossed-out photog, the no-photo rule is a result of Fergilicious' tendency to pee on herself during live gigs.

"I have seen her do this in the past," says one of the lens guys who was cast aside right before the performance began—"something about giving it her all."  

Josh Duhamel

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

Luckily, however, Fergie managed to stay dry during the somewhat impressive performance—even with the heavy shakin' of her now notorious humps.

Does Josh buy her waterproof sheets, though, I wonder?

Vanessa Hudgens

Todd Williamson/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You are so rude to be bashing Vanessa Hudgens. Get your stories straight before you go mouthing off. By the way, she probably didn't show up for her first High School rehearsal because she was at Quail Glen Elementary School presenting a check. So, get your damn stories straight before you go mouthing off.

Dear So Off:
Does your mother know you’re reading my column? Sorry if you can’t handle the Awful Truth, kiddo.

Stedman Graham

Laura Farr/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I read in your column today that Stedman "never" goes to Maui. Although I adore you, I have to let you know that I saw him with my own eyes at the airport in Maui just after Thanksgiving, so he's been there at least once lately!
Dear Frequent Flier:
Just passin' on the goss from across the Pacific. Besides, sure it was Mr. Winfrey you saw? Somethin’ tells me O. don’t fly commercial.
Dalai Lama


Dear Ted:
Trying to smear the Dalai Lama for enjoying the beauty of flowers was a really cheap shot. He is a truly holy man reverenced by many for his compassion and humility. Stick to Paris Hilton and her ilk for your nasty comments.
  Madison, Wisconsin
Dear Tibetan Tiff:
Didn’t mean to offend you, doll, but chill out, already. Nothing wrong with stoppin’ to smell the roses, if you’re a religious guru or goy, right?
Bono, Oprah Winfrey

Tasos Katopodis/INFGoff.com

Dear Ted:
Love ya babe, but calling a woman a bitch (Oprah for Prez!) is never cute. We're asking rappers to stop calling us that, so the offensiveness of the term is not diminished because my fave gossip maven uses it.
  Louisville, Kentucky
Dear Politically Correct:
I call men bitches, too, darling.
Paris Hilton, Elliot Mintz

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
If I were a wayward celebrity, I'd want Elliot Mintz on my side.
Dear Mintzed Words:
Pocket-size pit-bull publicists like Elliott are gonna replace Tinkerbell toys as the must-have accessory of choice for these Tinseltown gals with legal troubs.
Jennifer Esposito, Bradley Cooper

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I want to know whatever happened between Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper!  Do you think it has anything to do with Bradley?
Dear Divorce Detective:
I don't think these irreconcilable differences are due to Brad's lack of interest in the sack. In H-town, four months is just about average, ain't it? Besides, from what I hear, it was mutual.
Justin Timberlake

Jesse Grant/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Fey Ray bringing sexy back?
  Gainesville, Florida
Dear Disconnect the Dots:
No, the fruity Fey-man ain't Justin Timberlake. Think less pseudo-butch.
Al Reynolds

Laura Farr/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Al Reynolds never seems too interested in Miss Jones. Just wondering if you know something we all suspect, but don't actually know.
Dear Dubious:
Can you blame the boy? Honestly, would you be gearing for marathon mattress sessions with someone who looks like an overly siphoned librarian fresh from a Macy's makeover?
Jennifer Aniston

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What's wrong with Jennifer Aniston? Why aren't her movies being made? I hope you have the guts to answer these questions truthfully.
  Los Angeles
Dear Deluded:
She's not that great of an actress, face it.
Jenna Jameson

Jerome Ware/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
My guess for Whore-tense Past-tense from One Overshot Blind Vice is Jenna Jameson. Love you!
  South Bend, Indiana
Dear Indy Chick:
Wrong-a-rooney, hon-pie. Think far less booby and semi-more brainy.
George Bush


Dear Ted:
Dubya "took potshots" at the queen's age? Oh, Ted, get your facts straight. We all know the Prez is a bumbling, gaffe-prone idiot. That "potshot" was unintentional. You need to correct your inaccurate statement.
  St. Louis
Dear Brain-Fart Police:
You’re possibly right, and perhaps G.W.B.’s slip with Liz II could have been Freudian in nature, but I think that’s about as likely as me marrying Prince Andrew.
Mischa Barton

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I wanted to give a guess on the Blind Vice for Whore-tense Past-tense. Is it Mischa Barton? She's certainly skeletal, her fashion sense is quite suspect, she doesn't have a TV show anymore and, of course, she dated Brandon Davis for a couple of years.
  Portland, Maine
Dear Mischa Misfire:
W.T.P.T. has never been on The O.C.
Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
In all seriousness, Ted, what the hell is going on between Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson? They've been photographed together a lot lately, but I seriously do not get a couple vibe from them...at all.
  Los Angeles
Dear Doubting:
Oh, please, the byoots are shooting a movie together, and you know how on-set pairings, real or imagined, are always good for publicity. Right, Sienna?
Jon Powell, Bruce Bibby

E! Networks

Dear Ted:
Mazel tov on your recent engagement announcement, I hope happiness abounds eternally for you and Jon Powell. What with Brangelina, Vaughniston, Bennifer and the likes, I like the sound of Powted for you and the J.P. man. I didn't want you to feel left out.
  Plano, Texas
Dear Jewish Moniker:
Powted? It makes us sound like a fagola dietary supplement, or something. Thanks, though!
Rosie O'Donnell

Rodrigo Varela/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
My cousin and his partner now have three little girls! They just got back recently from a Rosie cruise and had the time of their lives. Any children in your future?
  Overland Park, Kansas
Dear Troubled Waters:
Darling, I appreciate the breeder sentiment, but I’ve got a 20-pound cat with bad breath, worse manners and a dirty ass he’s always draggin’ on my white carpet—can’t think I’d do much better with baby humans.
Arnold Schwarzenegger


Dear Ted:
You can come up to Canada and get hitched while you're waiting for Ah-nuld to get a clue...or for hell to freeze over, which is a bit more likely!
Dear Ice-a-nator and Many, Many More:
Thanks so much to the zillions of folks who wished Jon and I such sweet and supportive thoughts—we really were both quite touched. And if this makes some of you feel like losing your cookies right about now, please, whatever you do, aim toward that dude with the bad dye job in Sacramento.
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