Detectives Delirious

What the eff is Lindsay Lohan imbibing and seducing this time round? Plus, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue goss has readers madder than Katie Holmes with her charge cards! And some nervous-Nellie dude loses both his lovers in this week’s Blind Vice scuttlebutt, bring it badass on!

Lindsay’s running into her ex-flings left and right; Leo DiCaprio’s hiding from the shutterbugs...just another night at a Hollywood hot spot. Well, sorta. This particular do on Tuesday night, thrown by Hardball Productions, was at Les Deux to celebrate an owner’s B-day. So, ‘course all of the club’s regular clientele was in the house to celebrate.

But it must have been leave-your-other-half-home night or somethin’, as Leo was holed up in the upstairs VIP room with Prince instead of his g-f Bar Refaeli. Somehow, I think the latter makes for better arm candy. And Jenny McCarthy was there sans Jim Carrey, though she did pose happily for pics with James Blunt.

Oh, and speaking of model-ditcher Blunt, Lindsay showed up unexpectedly. I hear she wasn’t on the RSVP list, but we all know this girl can’t miss a do. Seems all her late nights are taking a toll, as homegirl looked beat and in need of a good blow-dry at said bash. Wonder what she was fortifying herself with that night? No Diet Rockstars for great party-pop?

Linds was seated right next to her old b-f  Wilmer Valderrama. But no ex-hex drama ensued, for once. “No bad breakup bitterness there,” reports my randy reveler. “They were chatty and generally seemed to get along well.” According to onlookers, she didn’t spend any time with J. Blunt, whom she was briefly linked to, but instead opted for the company of an unknown “Italian-looking, East Coast-type of dude.”

Gee. Wonder if L2’s BFF gal-pal Samantha Ronson would approve of her new friend?

Editorial Note:
My ferocious ‘n’ fab readers, I'm takin’ a vacation with the b-f, J.P., next week. So, Tuesday’s standard mail bag will run today. No worries, though, the baddie Blind Vice babes will follow after reader ranting today, so that department’s the same.

Also, starting next Monday, my feisty associate, Cristina Gibson, will be penning the column in my absence. Please be kind to her. Oh, hell, what the eff am I saying? You’re never sweet to moi, so bring on the badass ‘tude with Ms. Gee as well! (She’s from Jersey, think she can take it.)

See ya post-vacay! Be bad, never good! Lemme know if you catch Laura Bush stealing outta her hotel away from home, already!

Dear Ted:
Ewww...Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson look like brother and sister. What’s up with that? Skanky!
  Margot
  El Paso, Texas

Dear Dumbo:
Plenty of couples look incestuously alike, how else do you explain sourpuss Dubya and Laura? Or Dubya’s prune-like ‘rents for that matter?

Dear Ted:
Has anyone else noticed that Jessica Simpson is a fashion clone of whomever she is dating? She was pop-princessy and preppy with Nick, and now she's virtually a skinny twin of John Mayer. Prior to that, Simpson’s parents dressed her and told her what to say. What the smack? Get an opinion and a personality of your own already, Jessica!
  Alison
  Chicago

Dear Bossy:
Why? She seems quite happy having a bad dye job for a spine.

Dear Ted:
What makes you think audiences were grossed out by Meg Ryan? Adam Brody isn't exactly the picture of hotness for many of us, you know! I'd rather kiss a toad than Adam! 
  Deborah
  Chicago

Dear Brody Basher:
Good point, I suppose...Different pokes for different folks, right? I still say Meg needs to lay off the myriad naps that leave her looking so well rested.

Dear Ted:
I'm hoping you have some insight into something that is driving me crazy. Katie Holmes is a gorgeous young woman, but what's with all the black? She always looks like she's attending an expensive funeral. Don't they sell any actual colors at Barneys? Oh, and could Thelma Turnip (T.T.) possibly be Sharon Stone?  
  Deb
  St. Charles, Illinois

Dear Det. Debbie:
Darling, everyone knows black is slimming. Plus, it’s also the color for peeps in mourning, remember? Oh, and on the Thelma Turnip front, very impressive guess and use of possible clues. But hate to tell you, the double initials thing is what Nancy Drew would call a red herring. In other words, Thelma’s first and last name doesn’t start with the same letter in real life. Close age arena, though.

Dear Ted:
Everyone's guessing that Teri-Fairy Terrible is a she, probably because of the femme "Teri,” but I'm wondering why you so deliberately worded the BV to apparently avoid assigning gender? Could she be a he? Not that I can guess who, which is the real question. T2's gotta be Britney.      
  Kim
  San Diego

Dear Gender Bender:
Wrong. You were sniffing more correctly the first time round. T.F.T. is, indeed, a man.

Dear Ted:
Do you actually think writing this way, with evah and other false words, makes you seem intelligent or even remotely like a decent writer or journalist? You look like an average bozo trying desperately to hold on to his youth. 
  B.
  St. Louis

Dear Bitter:
Eat me forevah.

Dear Ted:
I'm so stuck on all your Blind Vices lately. Please tell me: Is Kate Moss Thelma Turnip?
  James
  Toledo, Ohio

Dear Stumped:
Excellent guess, my perplexed puzzler, as Kate-doll did do rehab and looks like she needs to slather on some serious sunblock lately. But Kate makes her living a far different way than Thelma does. Think about her booby-boy-toy Pete Doherty’s profession, and you might see the light.

Dear Ted:
You're usually amusing and occasionally informative. Rarely do I get angry/upset enough to write, but you've gone too far with our president's reported drinking and marital troubles.
  Kathy
  Frisco, Texas

Dear Ted:
I believe in your sources and in you (not in a weird way, but just from years of reading your column—you're usually right on). And I come from a family with alcoholics in it, so I can sympathize with anyone who is married to one, but the hotel thing with Laura Bush just seems like too much to me.
  C. Wilkinson

Dear Doubting Duo:
My sources are correct, trust (and I firmly stand by them). Laura’s been less than impressed with G.W.B. for some time now, gosh, wonder why?

Dear Ted:
If I bumped into you in line at Ben & Jerry's here in Vermont, would you, could you, spill on who the objects of your Blind Vices are? 
  Fiona
  Burlington, Vermont

Dear Dream On:
Not unless you wanted to order two scoops of arsenic with banana sprinkles. Nice try, doll-poo!

Dear Ted:
Thank you for not caving and for going ahead and reporting the goings on in D.C. As you said, if the leader of the free world has fallen off the wagon and his wife is staying in a hotel when he's drunk, that's news. Keep up the good work!     
  Gina
  Savoy, Illinois

Dear Duh:
Thanks mucho.

Dear Ted:
I adore you and am inclined to believe your reporting on Laura and W., but I have to say, she gazed at him awfully adoringly at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Is she that good an actress? Keep up the good work, you liberal evil-doer. 
  Gail
  Rochester, New York

Dear Brilliant:
Gosh, L.B. was gazing adoringly at her hubby while 10 billion reporters were watching her every twitch? Such the surprise there, baby-hon. But thanks for Potomac-inspired kudos!

Dear Ted:
Could Thelma Turnip possibly be Britney Spears?
  Ginalo
  Lafayette, Louisiana

Dear Southern-Fried Sass:
Good hunch, but no. Thelma loves her some wigs too, though, just like Britters, if that helps.

Dear Ted:
You mentioned your Aunt Martha in Thelma Turnip's Blind Vice. My question is this: Does your family know who Toothy Tile is? Mwah!
  Cathy
  Dickinson, Texas

Dear Family Ties:
No, nor do they care. My brothers are engineers and insurance salesmen. However, my sisters are just as boy-crazy as I am, but they’ve never asked. Wouldn’t tell ‘em, though!

Dear Ted:
Thelma Turnip = Farrah Fawcett. 
  Gina
  Philadelphia

Dear No Way:
Your guess = wrong biz.

Dear Ted:
"Just desserts" is wrong; the phrase is actually "just deserts." "Desert" in this usage means something you deserve. Your column's always a hoot.
  Mary
  Pleasant Hill, California

Dear Grammar Goddess:
Thanks for keeping me on my tiptoes, hon, but I intentionally throw in stupid misspellings from time to time—as I’m clearly obsessed with sounding younger than I am.

Dear Ted:
Is Alec Baldwin's career finished now that TMZ.com has aired a voicemail in which he is verbally abusing his 11-year-old daughter?
  Zeke
  Albuquerque, New Mexico

Dear Good Query:
See below.