Whether it’s Jeremy Piven’s reported chintziness (with his wallet, not his amor, natch) or reader rantings about TomKat, Jake ‘n’ Reese and all the rebounding rest, let’s sniff, snoop and sass with Awful Tuesday!
Jeremy Piven

Eddie Malluk/WireImage.com

When I ran into Jeremy Piven at the Entourage season four premiere party Thursday, I had to get his side of the story. I’m sure you’ve all seen the items running in various goss columns about our darling Piv being banned from Nobu after leaving a particularly crappy tip and bitching out a hostess at Off Vine, here in H'wood.

“Is there any truth to the rumor that you left an Entourage DVD as a tip at Nobu in Aspen?” (as was the small-screen scuttlebutt), I asked him.

Absolutely false,” he assured me. “In fact, here!” he said, pulling over a Biz type gal. “She runs publicity, and she was sitting next to me."

“We made a reservation at the restaurant,” she, Biz maternal type, started. “Yes, we were a big party. Yes, they were very crowded. But they were happy to accommodate us.

“An HBO staffer went over in the afternoon to thank them and handed out some DVDs as a gift,” the conveniently positioned gal continued. “Nobody threw a DVD at a waiter. And HBO paid the bill, and they always tip really well.”

“I don’t even have an Entourage DVD!” Piven piped up. “I can’t even find one, much less go to Aspen carrying a DVD.”

So, there you have it, straight from the ho’s, I mean, horse’s, mouth.

And the irony of all ironies: Every partygoer got a gratis copy of season three that night upon exiting the shindig. So, now Jer can have a set all to himself...for viewing, not tipping, natch.

Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise


Dear Ted:
Thanks for the Vanity Fair reporting update. Despite missing Graydon's comments, I've lost touch with VF. You see, I declined to renew my subscription when the media eagerly buzzed about the ridiculous Tom, Katie and Suri extended pabulum piece.

Dear Ted:
Pre-couch-jumping/vitamin-pushing days, I loathed Tom Cruise. For some reason now, I have warmed to him. I appreciate you still reporting goss about him, though the rest of your adopted hometown avoids him now. I just may have to see a Tom Cruise vehicle soon. You're all anyone has left for Cruise news.
  San Antonio

Dear Team Tom:
As far as VF goes, the eat-celebrity-bum diet it's on began long before TomKat and offspring, I assure you.  And S.N., welcome to my T.C. ass-kissin’ (I say, slurping with heavy irony) missive!

Nicky Hilton

Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Apple Marvini
= Nicky Hilton. Her current blow toy = David Katzenberg. ‘Nuff said.
  Plano, Texas

Dear Coco-Not:
Sorry, sweet cheeks, but incorrect on both scores. Wrong age bracket, but just as much—or more—moolah.

Michelle Trachtenberg

Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
While I enjoyed Cristina Gibson's reporting while you were gone, she might want to have someone proof her comments one more time. The charming brothers Sprouse's The Suite Life is on Disney not Nick. Still, as thanks for the line from Michelle Trachtenberg, I'll forgive her. Keep it up, girl!
  Bend, Oregon

Dear Disney Diva:
You’re right about the network, but like C. said, child stars aren’t exactly our cup o’ tea, so cut her some slack.

Tom Cruise

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Stop being so negative toward Katie and Tom. They are good people and wonderful parents. We all know that you like Tom and find him to be a great actor, so why all the negativity all the time? Make sure you watch the Academy Awards next year. Tom Cruise will win the Oscar that he should have won already.

Dear Cruise Cheerleader:
Hey, here’s hoping his new flick, Lions for Lambs, is fab. If he can’t get an Oscar acting alongside Meryl Streep and Robert Redford, well, then I give up.

Reese Witherspoon

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Reese Witherspoon naive? Love your column.

Dear Jake Gyllenhaal:
You tell me, darling.

How I Met Your Mother, Neil Patrick Harris


Dear Ted:
I read in your column that Neil Patrick Harris filled in for Regis Philbin. That made me remember that incident a while back between Kelly Ripa and Clay Aiken. I know you think Kelly is homophobic, and Neil has recently come out of the closet. What's your take? Is Kelly trying to make amends?
  St. John, Indiana

Dear Who Cares:
Can we please put this Kelly crap to bed?

Hilary Duff

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I have to tell you, Ted, even here in Jamaica, you have fans like me that read your column all the time. But I know that Blood E. Nostril is definitely Hilary Duff...has to be.
  Kingston, Jamaica

Dear Inquirin' from the Island:
Thanks for the kudos, Kaye, but B.E.N. ain’t Hil D. Think a bit older, not so skeletal.

Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com, Digitalprofile/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
What’s your take on the rumored romance of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal? Is it really a Just Like Heaven or a Cruel Intentions publicity stunt? Jake seems like a nice enough guy, but I can’t imagine him replacing Ryan Phillippe in the Way of the Gun, if you know what I mean.
  Walnut Creek, California

Dear Ted:
You're slippin', my man. Why no dirt on the alleged hookup between Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon? Other gossips seem to be talking about it—but if anyone knows what's going on it's you. So, what's up?
  Los Angeles

Dear Doubting Debbies:
I haven’t said anything because we’ve yet to see the two of them even snapped together. The proof (on occasion) is in the pics, pumpkin. Right now, it’s all speculation, and it smells a bit Jennifer Aniston-Vince Vaughn to moi.

Halle Berry

Rodrigo Varela/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
The first H'wood gal that came to mind when I read One Pooftah Putz Blind Vice was Halle Berry. Am I right or (so very) right on this one? Thanks!
  Fort Collins, Colorado

Ellen Barkin

Dan Herrick/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Is Apple Marvini from One Pooftah Putz Blind Vice Ellen Barkin?

Dear Barkin' up the Wrong Trees:
Apple is far more prim ‘n’ proper in public than bawdy Barkin or bitchin’ Berry, trust. Closer age-wise, though (in the Ellen dept., not Halle).

Dear Ted:
I love reading the Blind Vices and always check out the And It Ain't. I'm wondering if you just put people at random for this, or if they give a clue about who the Blind Vice is about?
  Fairfax, Virginia

Dear Det. Wondering:
The pics are additional clues, my query kumquat. Always.

Nicole Kidman

Dan Herrick/KPA/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Nicole Kidman
looks awful now! She used to be sooo pretty. I recently saw an old movie with Nicole and Sandra Bullock about witches. She looked real. Now, she looks "unreal." What has she done to herself? Oy vey!
  San Jose, California

Dear No Kidding:
Repeat after me: Just say no to 10 years with Tom Cruise—that’ll mess with anyone’s perfect punim!

Brandon Davis

Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I'm glad you're back—a Monday without Ted is like Brandon Davis without a brain: empty.
  San Francisco

Dear  FireWatch:
Merci buckets, babe.

Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake

Kevin Weeks/WireImage.com, Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Simple question: What do you think about the possibility of a reunion between Justin and Brit?
  Memphis, Tennessee

Dear Dream On:
When rehabbed pigs fly.

Anna Nicole Smith

Lori Conn/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
You were right on target with your comment a month ago about how many people (hangers-on) would be interested in Anna Nicole Smith's estate. It's both sad and nauseating to watch the vultures take wing. DNA anyone? Ugh!

Dear Disgusted:
Shame, isn’t it? I mean, "she was such a shy thing." Oh, please. Let’s stop the charade of disbelief. This woman courted this kinda ending, not that she deserved it.

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