TomKat's latest out 'n' about big-toothed doings—are they fer real or just press put-ons? Hmmm. Let's conjure that baby, along with Star Jones Reynolds' latest look-at-me mush, while we also get to some always genuine gab—your bitchy back talk!
Oh, darlings, just some D-list sightings (Simon Rex, Tom Cruise, jokers like that) from round the nation before we get to you barkin’ bitches in this week’s mailbag. Ready to live hardly vicariously?
Far more vivacious—and this one's gonna kill me to say so—over on a diff coast was former View merchandise-siphoning siren Star Jones Reynolds. She's been celebrating her B-day, hitting the Hotel Victor, the Delano with Jamie Foxx (last week), then she hauled her supposedly nonsurgeried behind over to the Sagamore, where she totally ate up a birthday shout-out from Robin Thicke at his concert.
S.J.R. was quite dismissive to a fan who requested an autograph and pic (Reynolds should be thanking gawd these stupid creatures still exist on the planet), snapping at the poor boy: "Oh, honey, no. We're not doing that."
Fool! Who the eff does she think's gonna watch her four-eyed phony self on CNN? An ABC life with all the network PR trimmings, dear, this ain't gonna be.
Oh, and Simon Rex, still looking soft-porn perf, hit the stage at the Sagamore to do his best white rapper thang—"bitch" this, "bitch" that—very K-Fed wannabe white trash, insisted Desk SoBe (that would be my bitch, film writer Martin Haro).
Why do straight white dudes in wife-beaters yelling nasty-ass crap outta their pusses think that gets the babes all hot ‘n’ ready? Don’t they know they need to put their mouths where there privates want to be, and shut the hell up?
Speaking of no action, S.J.R. made the South Beach rounds without that personage she married once. Wonder why?
Dear Ted:
Am I the only person on the planet that thinks Victoria Beckham is the most hideous thing in Jimmy Choos? I just don't get it. Yuck.
Victoria
Danville, California
Dear Snit Fits:
Oh darling, glad you agree, and don’t you dare feel bad about your moniker! I mean, come on, I share my name with a closeted Evangelical preacher who dabbles in drugs and hookers, Ted Haggard. Worse than bloody Posh, for sure!
Dear Ted:
From this beautiful black girl, I have to say...Beyoncé is completely overexposed. Even if you didn't say it, I will! Was I the only one thinking those were not tears of joy when J.Hud picked up her Oscar? B. can sing, but that's about where the hero worship ends for me.
Aeol
NYC
Dear Dollface:
Couldn’t agree more, hon! Obviously the girl’s got pipes, but acting chops...not so much.
Dear Ted:
You got to tell me! Is Randy Rubber Sean Penn?
Paul
Fall River, Massachusetts
Dear Nice Pry:
Not a terrible guess, but not too close either. Think younger, less hair.
Dear Ted:
I read on another gossip site that you are a Scientologist. Say it ain't so!
Angela
Indianapolis
Dear Deluded:
Don’t you worry, Angie, I’m not drinking any Tom Cruise-Aid. That ain’t the delicious stuff from T.C. that interests me at all.
Dear Ted:
Blood E. Nostril = Claire Danes?
Amy
Washington, Indiana
Dear Short 'n' Sweet:
Wrong-a-rooney...Think younger, more bitchin’ bod. Way.
Dear Ted:
Why do you always talk about stars being gay? Why do all homosexuals think everyone else is in the closet? I am fully supportive of anyone's sexual preference, to each his own, but I think your view that, like, 90 percent of Hollywood is gay or cross-dressing is a bit far-fetched.
Ronnie
Newport Beach, California
Dear Numerically Naive:
Oh, doll, your numbers are so off—it’s not 90 percent, 50-50 is more like it: Half are gay, the other half just haven’t told their publicists yet.
Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile or any of the other Blind Vicers ever indicated to you that he knows you're talking about him (as in, "Write anything more, Casablanca, and you'll never Awful-speak again")?
John
Boston
Dear Blind on the Mind:
Yes, Toothy know he’s Toothy. And he’s proud of it! (Quelle surprise.)
Dear Ted:
Did Leonardo DiCaprio say that he was gay? Someone told me he came out of the closet this year, and I watch E! all the time and didn't hear that. Thank you.
Beverly
Elnora, Indiana
Dear Misinformed:
No, doll, that was Jared Leto. And he was joking.
Dear Ted:
Thanks for the Decoder on the word tranny. I always thought it was short for "transmission." Could be a car transmission; could be the transmission of the kinda disease you don't tell your mama about.
Marge
Beloved Waterbury, Connecticut
Dear Decoder Diva:
Trust me, there’s enough of the latter kinda transmissions you’re referring to around here in hot-to-hump Hollywood!
Dear Ted:
Okay, I just have to be crude here, but are John Mayer and Derek Jeter gifted with long tongues and the ability to breathe through their ears?
Kim
Raleigh, North Carolina
Dear Tongue-Waggin’ Wanderer:
Darling, you were hardly crass in your query! And I’ve got no idea how good or bad John or Derek are at goin’ downtown, so no, that’s not their common interest.
Dear Ted:
Someone should slap Liz Hurley. She goes to one of the poorest countries on the planet and wastes a fortune on her 26th wedding? More proof that money doesn't buy class. Hey Ted, how long would you say the marriage will last? I figure four to six weeks.
Alison
Los Angeles
Dear Heated over Hurley:
It is a little tacky, isn’t it? They could at least make a big fat donation or something afterward, à la Angelina. I give them four months.
Dear Ted:
Another photo of Paris Hilton and yet even more press coverage? What...you can't go even a week without mentioning her name or making us look at her? (Ugh!) Okay, your readers are now convinced you must be on the Hilton payroll.
Gen
Boston
Dear Way Wrong:
Just because Kathy Hilton has me on speed dial doesn’t mean either of us take the calls, darlin’.
Dear Ted:
Botox-Bang = Helen Hunt. That's an easy one, no?
Steve
Boston
Dear Smarty Pants:
Easy to get wrong, maybe! Think younger, more fresh faced, less accomplished.
Dear Ted:
Okay, I think I finally have one of these right! Is Blood E. Nostril Anne Hathaway? She can't be the "Princess" she seems to be!
Jennifer
Hickory, North Carolina
Dear Pun Stunner:
Very good guess, my crumb-smooch, as Anne does have that squeaky-clean rep down pat, but alas, she ain’t your gal. Think more of a tabloid target...at least lately.
Dear Ted:
I think Blood E. Nostril is no other than Tiffani Thiessen. She always played a good girl on Saved by the Bell, and now all the characters she plays are totally different. Please tell me I am right on this one!!
Chris
Hilliard, Ohio
Dear Wishful Thinking:
Is poor Tiffers even on anyone’s radar anymore? She’s certainly not the gal we’re gossin’ about, ‘kay?