Jen Garner's old put-upon costar, Michael Vartan, sure did learn his naughty side from somebody, wonder who? Plus, you readers def know how to whip with the best of 'em—is nobody getting kissed during this mistletoe time?
Michael Vartan

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Skyy Vodka, amfAR and Maxim held their Hot Hollywood Party Saturday peeyem at the Stone Rose Lounge. Even though Maxim is a mag featuring tons o' hot femme flesh for dudes and other chicks to ogle, there was def some eye candy for the straight gals there in the form of Michael Vartan and the newly single Jason Lewis.

Michael's mysterious black eye he'd been sportin' last week had almost gone away, and he looked hot as evuh. I asked M.V. if he'd been naughty or nice this year. "Always nice," he answered. "Oh, I'm sorry, always naughty," he quickly corrected for the macho record.

Jennifer Garner

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com

Why that? Got some Jennifer Garner voodoo dolls at home, perhaps?

"I'm just a very bad person," he said, trying to keep a straight face and failing miserably. I don't believe Mikey, who's, like, sweet as Splenda, every time I run into him. More sour than sweet for sure was this week's mailbag, quelle friggin' surprise (tomorrow, by the by, will be the Brit Spears contest result letters, 'cause Ms. S. always gets greasy attention all her own):

 

Britney Spears

INFGoff.com

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if you might agree with me. I think it would have been a hell of a lot better publicity if Britney pierced her clitoris before showing her goods. Oh, and did anyone notice the C-section scar?
  Nadine
  Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania

Dear Naughty Nadine:
With or without the piercing, the looks of that 'gina is horrific! After consecutively poppin' out two li'l Spears, our single lady needs to spruce that area up—or is that too gay of me to say?

Vince Vaughn

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Aren't you the clever one. Is it just a coincidence that you printed that sly little bit about very hush-hush, very expensive European sex the same day Jen and Vince announced their split? Am I mistaken, or isn't he filming in Europe right now?
  I.W.

Dear Initially Correct:
Darlin', thanks, but that Eastern European nooky I was talkin' about ain't exactly up Vince's amour alley.

Lindsay Lohan, Harry Morton

426/MostWanted/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I totally agree with you on the fact that a lot of these "morally challenged" stars are using Alcoholics Anonymous, or other programs, to get press—sad! My brother is a recovering alcoholic and one of the best people in the world; I wonder if Lindsay has really suffered like he has with his addictions.
  Patti
  Buffalo, New York

Dear 12-Stumped:
I daresay...yep.

Jennifer Aniston

Art Seitz/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
News came out today that People reported the so-called breakup of Vaughniston. How shocking that their movie The Break-Up is long gone and that they can conveniently call it quits now. Kudos to you for spiking our coffee by pointing out what appears to be Jennifer's publicity stunt.
  Sue
  Mission Viejo, California

Dear Mrs. Vaughn:
Boo hoo. Yes, the publicity stunt is done! The drabby relationship of Vaughniston is ovah (and out)—now we can celebrate the return of new dish to come with these singles on the loose.

Jessica Simpson

Jesse Grant/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Britney Spears does for motherhood what Jessica Simpson and George Bush do for religion. Why doesn't everyone call the slut what she is?
  Chloe
  Sauk Rapids, Minnesota

Dear Crotch Bearer:
What's that—the ultimate real-life (divorcing) desperate housewife?

Jim Carrey

Glenn Weiner/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Welcome back! I missed you, though Ms. Gibson did a fine job. I'm looking forward to your saying why Jim Carrey has had three pics postponed recently.
  S.L.
  Oaktown

Dear Generic City:
Oaktown, what, babe? You sound like you reside in the middle of one of those drably funny pics J.C.'s always starring in—which, for the record, is my hunch why his career's in a bit of a conundrum right now.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Daniele Venturelli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Please don't tell me you panned the movie Blood Diamond on the basis of Leonardo DiCaprio's highlights and accents. As I recall, there was a lot more going on. Also, just have to know, what is kank-ee?
  Terri
  Mesa, Arizona

Dear Def and Dude Curious:
First, kank-ee is the kinda nooky Mr. D. prefers—nothing predictable, I assure you. Second, the movie was—and is—deadly boring, which is why I resorted to discussing Leo's unfortunate highlights.

Nick Lachey

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Love your column and the new format. I noticed you haven't mentioned Jessica Simpson in a while, and I'm dying to know: How is she handling her album flop and the fact that Nick is more successful in love and showbiz than she is?
  Sharon
  Buffalo, New York

Dear In-the-Know:
Obviously, not well. With the ex-Mrs. Lachey all lyrically tongue-tied at the Kennedy Center Honors Dolly Parton event this past week, she's showin' the media that not only can't she hold a steady man, she can't hold a steady note, either. This is quite the opposite of what I thought was going to happen, by the by, as it's usually the dude who mushes all up, postsplit. Jess, get it together, girl! Quit being such a guy.

Question Mark Silouette

Dear Ted:
I've been reading about your secret Toothy Tile Blind Vice for a long time now. But I think you need to dish more on Toothy's good-lookin' boyfriend. What's so hot about him that makes Toothy take his pants off?
  M.J.G.
  Los Angeles

Dear Desire Down Below:
In a word? Naïveté. Tooth's man actually thinks they can have a normal life together, and Toothy simply adores him for it!

Jenny McCarthy

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Great to have you back. I think Jenny McCarthy is acting the way she is because she's hanging around Tom Cruise, which invariably leads to Scientology, which leads to "Stepfordization" (see Katie). By the way, I am a T.C. fan for over 20 years (Risky Business rules), but he's def gone over the edge—do you think there's any hope for him?
  Lee
  Louisville, Kentucky

Dear Risky Insinuation:
Cruise's ways of the world are understood only by him, and with the bucks being dropped since Paramount didn't renew his still-taut tush, we are sure to see many more couch-jumpin' escapades. Poor Suri! (Kate knew what she was getting into, contrary to popular goss.)

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