Move Aside, Armageddon: Here's Why Pearl Harbor Was Actually Ben Affleck's Hottest Role

Sorry, Armageddon.

By Seija Rankin May 25, 2016 11:00 AMTags
Ben Affleck, Pearl HarborAndrew Cooper/SMPSP

Ben Affleck has given the world many visual gifts throughout his long, prosperous career. His adorable dimples in He's Just Not That Into You. His darkly hot swagger in Gone Girl. His denim-clad thighs in Dazed and Confused. His spandex-clad thighs in Shakespeare In Love. We could go on and on.

But instead, it's time to pay tribute to the movie that provided the highest attractiveness payback in the entire Ben Affleck repertoire: Pearl Harbor. And by "pay tribute," we do mean in the most unapologetically shallow and superficial way, naturally.

This epic (and that's meant in every sense of the world; for those who've forgotten, it was a whopping 180 minutes long) war movie told audiences a tale of a brutal attack often forgotten, of heroism in the face of danger, of how good current-day actors look in period pieces, and, of course, of the physical grandness of Ben Affleck as a soldier. It also introduced us to the mesmerizing phenomenon that was seeing Affleck and one Jennifer Garner onscreen together, but that's an investigation for another time.

We stand before you, on this day, the 15th anniversary of the theatrical release of Jerry Bruckheimer's Oscar-winning (for sound editing, but it still counts!) Pearl Harbor, to argue the merits of the actor's best—wait, actually, just hottest—role. The more casual Affleck watcher may (incorrectly) believe that the superlative belongs to Armageddon and only Armageddon, but the time for those blasphemous beliefs is no more. We present you our findings. 

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First, let's refresh the character. Affleck played one Captain Rafe McCawley, a US Army Corps pilot who just so happens to be based in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. He has an adorable, if slightly fabricated, Southern accent (it's hard to cover up that Southie slang, okay?) and is a bit of a bumbling idiot. But he's basically the cutest bumbling idiot this side of the Mississippi. Maybe it's that Southern drawl or the fact that he can't read real good, but man!

Whether he was making a complete fool of himself in front of his love interest nurse or begging to be given a passing grade on his (failed) exam, there's just something about that adorable little sucker. Captain McCawley somehow manages to make A.J. Frost (of Armageddon, of course) look like kind of a d--k, if you'll pardon our language. 

Courtesy Buena Vista Pictures

Next we give you: The uniform. Oh, that old time-y army uniform, with its khaki the color of pallid skin and millions of utilitarian pockets that hold...who knows what. Somehow, this symbol of manhood manages to transcend visual logic and will turn on any audience member. If Ben Affleck is wearing it, of course.

The saying goes that clothes don't make a man, but when it comes to watching blockbuster movies we have to disagree. At least when you compare said military uniform to the Armageddon wardrobe of choice, a bright orange spacesuit. And, of course, it doesn't hurt that the Pearl Harbor garb offers unobstructed viewing of Ben's heavenly cheekbones, butt chin and five o'clock shadow. 

Courtesy Buena Vista Pictures

An argument about Ben Affleck's battleground hotness would not be complete without making mention of the fact that he played a full-fledged war hero. Captain Rafe, upon discovering that Pearl Harbor was under attack, ran straight into the line of fire to defend his fallen brothers. He jumped right into that fighter plane and started shooting the Japanese soldiers out of the air, without a care for himself to be found. And in the midst of all that, he had to watch he had to say goodbye to his wartime BFF Josh Hartnett

(Should we have said spoiler alert? Sorry. But it's been 15 years, people!) 

Now sure, A.J. Frost was a hero too, what with launching himself into space to attempt to blow up an asteroid and save all of humanity, but he was totally overshadowed by Bruce Willis. Not quite a silver fox yet, Willis was certainly the older, wiser, hotter and more heroic member of the asteroid space fleet, and thus worthy of all of our Armageddon man crushes. Sorry, Ben. 

And finally, for those who are somehow, bafflingly, still unsure if 2001 Ben Affleck is hotter than any other Ben Affleck, we leave you with but one GIF. Because if a picture says 1,000 words, a GIF says, "game over."

Courtesy Buena Vista Pictures
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Ben Affleck: Movie Star