by Alyssa Ray | Fri., Jun. 1, 2018 6:00 AM
Struggling to cope.
"I just feel super confused," Nikki shares with her family at dinner. "And I miss him more than anything in this world."
While Nikki misses her ex-fiancé more than anything, she admits she lost a piece of herself along the way!
"I wasn't feeling alive anymore," Bella confesses with a brave face. "I just kind of became a 'yes girl.' I felt like I lost myself."
However, Nikki makes it perfectly clear that this internal struggle has nothing to do with John and everything to do with her rise in fame. In fact, due to her reality TV career and social media popularity, Nikki often feels like two people.
"I started to feel like, here's Nikki Bella and here's Nicole," Nikki notes to her loved ones. "When I first started being on reality TV and all this stuff, I was me. And then, I was told, 'Don't talk like this. Don't be this.'"
"So Nikki's slogan is 'Fearless Nikki,'" Nikki continued while addressing the camera. "But is Nicole, 'Fearless Nicole?' I have to say for a while, she wasn't…until recently."
Although Nikki's recent empowerment has caused some sadness in her life, she's ultimately happy in the decision she has made.
"I feel like I'm finally 'Fearless Nicole,'" Nikki relays.
See her poignant confession in the clip above.
Watch your favorite episodes of Total Bellas on E! in the UK & EIRE