Grandpa Charlie Sheen

When news broke that 47-year-old Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandpa, thousands of homeys poured out their crackpipes in solace. But grandfatherhood could be great for Charlie – for one thing, he can blame the dementia and incontinence on decades of drug use, instead of his decaying body. Plus, it'll be a prime opportunity to market a whole new line of catchphrases.

1. "When I was your age, I was snorting seven-gram rocks off a Goddess' tuchus - and I got paid for it, too!"

2. "I don't trust the fools and trolls in Congress. I give all my money to Charity…the porn star living in my den."

3. "The only drug I'm on is Charlie Sheen – it helps with the arthritis."

4. "Back in my day, you had to walk nose-first in the snow to get a decent high!"

5. "Who does a Warlock have to bang around here to get an electric blanket?"

6. "Kids these days are all confused about their sexuality. I know exactly what I am: bi-winning."

7. "I gave you my Adonis DNA and my tiger blood and all I got was this crappy mug from Color Me Mine!"

8. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars. But mostly, I'm just…tired."

9. "I should be dead by now, but I'm not leaving until I piss on Chuck Lorre's grave."

10. "It's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee…and almost all the time, these days."

Grandpa Charlie Sheen
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