Well, I'm exhausted.
No, I didn't wake up at 3 a.m. to watch Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding. And no, I wasn't out until 2 a.m. watching Taylor Swift croon about her reputation at the Rose Bowl. I was doing something greater, serving a bigger purpose in the pop culture landscape: I was stalking all of Becca Kufrin's contestants' social media accounts ahead of The Bachelorette's premiere. Please, sit down, and stop clapping, I didn't do it for the applause.
When the 28 guys were revealed last week, imagine my disappointment when ABC decided not to post the guys' Q&As this season, which provide us with so many juicy and unintentionally hilarious kernels of information about them. Instead, we were given mini-bios that read more like fan-fiction with even more exclamation marks.
While I can't be sure, I'm guessing it was done to protect the show and the guys from any possible mini-scandals ahead of the premiere due to their answers. Remember when one of Rachel Lindsay's guys said his biggest fear was "the chick is actually a dude," with ABC eventually removing it from their official site?
Still, their answers to a question like "what is your biggest fear on a date?" or listing their favorite movies doesn't always tell the truth, because they know Bachelor Nation is dissecting their answers.
This is why I turned to their Instagrams, because that is the real version of themselves they want to present to the world. Instagram is where we go to pretend to be the person we wish we were. And judging from Becca's batch, they want the world to know they only love sports, boats and working out and their mommas, sorry.
Here's everything I learned about Becca's 28 men by combing their Instagrams and other social media accounts that you should know going into the May 28 premiere:
Instagram Followers: 1,605
Insta Bio: n/a
What I Learned: Not a lot, but we did notice a fondness for hashtags, boats and tequila. Which sounds like a country music lyric.
Insta Bio: ��Denver I sell �� ✈️ Probably out of town
What I Learned: Blake appears to be into fashion, showing off a lot of suspenders and bow-ties. He can also run a mile in under five minutes, which we're exhausted even just contemplating.
Instagram Followers: 4,115
Insta Bio: Vergason Sojourner McWaters Ad Agency Principal. "Very Smart Marketing" - Where creative advertising is born.
What I Learned: Dude loves him an inspirational caption! Seriously, almost every post has one, making us think he's like a human fortune cookie.
Instagram Followers: 5,473
Instagram Bio: Tequila, Dogs, and Food are keys to life. ��ORL �� Dome06 Twitter: c__dome �� firstname.lastname@example.org CEO: @dominantsalestraining
What I Learned: He is enjoying alcoholic beverages in a lot of his photos, so tequila being the first thing in his Instagram bio tracks. Other hobbies seem to include golfing and complaining about Ben Stiller comparisons which honestly is just rude to Ben Stiller.
Instagram Followers: 3,775
Insta Bio: The Bachelorette Season 14 🌹 Model | J & A ESTRADA /Costello Menswear 📧 email@example.com 👻 Snap Chat: elmaza89 📍 San Diego, CA
What I Learned: So I know someone who grew up in the same town as the former soccer player! Praise Ben Higgins! They told me he's super into sports, was born in Mexico and has two older brothers, one of whom competed on Project Runway. Reality TV runs in their DNA, it seems. And yes, my red flag sense are tingling...especially after looking through his Instagram, which is filled with modeling shots, product placement and "paparazzi" photos that I am convinced he had a friend take.
Instagram Followers: 96.4K
Instagram Bio: Check out my bio (with a link to a dunking site)
What I Learned: Um, how does he have so many followers already, was our immediate reaction. After some digging, it seems Chris S.' former profession (Harlem Globetrotter) and dunk skills have landed him quite the following. His page is basically just him dunking all the time. Over a car. Over a bike. Over a person.
Instagram Followers: 9.7k
Insta Bio: 9 year NFL vet ▪️Chicagoan ▪️Historian (self proclaimed) ▪️2 Timothy 1:7
What I Learned: He's a legitimate NFL player! Like, he's still playing and has actually been in an end-zone before! (Off-season scheduling favors football players over most over sports when it comes to The Bachelorette filming schedule.) His interests seem to be working out, hanging with his nephew and being shirtless. We're cool with this.
Instagram Followers: 42.7K
Insta Bio: 2 Star recruit, turned 2 time All-American. Former NFL try hard. Legacy Foundation. Decent Human Being. I've never met a dog I didn't like. Jer 29:11
What I Learned: He loves bomber jackets, his rescue dog Sniper and is already pretty well-versed in the realm of spon-con. Colton is clearly OK with his life being documented, as he asked out Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman via an online video, with the duo going on to date for almost a year. At 26, he's already retired from football and was on three times (though never started). Practice squad goals!
Instagram Followers: 10k
Insta Bio: God fearing ���� Certified Health & Wellness trainer���� Founder of CJO Fitness Model "Commit yourself to the lifestyle"
What I Learned: Are you shocked to learn that a trainer likes to post shirtless photos!? It seems like he could be gunning to be the next Peter Krause, posting a bunch of workout circuits for his followers.
Instagram Followers: 3,659
Insta Bio: Work hard����Give back����Play hard����26⏳ WI/MN->��LA #beYourself
What I Learned: He really loves giving back to his community and really loves to travel. Sunsets seem to be his jam.
Instagram Followers: 1.937
Insta Bio: n/a
What I Learned: Big sports guy, as he frequently posts about skiing, snowboarding, golfing and went to the Super Bowl. Will he fanboy out over Clay?
Instagram Followers: 3,343
Insta Bio: ���� ���� ���� ���� ���� ����
What I Learned: Family, fishing and friends, lots of ‘em on his page. Also, his bio pic does not do him justice (though that seems to be a common theme this season). He's also learning how to fly and hasn't tweeted since 2013.
Instagram Followers: 2,223
Insta Bio: Mmmgood productions Amateur Boxer/Trainer �� Boxing Coach - I'll train ANYONE Bay Area Peep my videos..... All of em Gvandeboxing@Gmail.com
What I Learned: He really likes to box and use those photos to post about haters and inspiration, and thinks he looks like Matt Damon. He also seems to be a fan of those "caption this" style photos, so we're already annoyed with the amount of these he will likely post as the season is airing.
Instagram Followers: 875
Insta Bio: Executive Producer @superbirdstudios
What I Learned: Dirtbikes are his true passion and he's from Minneapolis, the same place as Becca. The two share a past, so that pretty much means he won't win. Sorry, just bein' honest!
Instagram Followers: 2,090
Insta Bio: Hopeful Buffalo Bills fan singing & dancing since ‘88.���� �� Buffalo, NY ��Seattle, WA Snap/Twtr: Jason_Tartick ��Jason@Tartick.com
What I Learned: OK, first. I lucked out as one of my oldest friends actually went to college with him. She remembers him as being a good dude and a soccer player. I know, vague and mildly disappointing in terms of tea-spillage, but at least he wasn't a douche? Anyway, he appears to be a big sports fan, so…he's like every other guy this season! Judging from his Linkedin, he seems pretty accomplished as a banker, so good for him!
Instagram Followers: 3,911
Insta Bio: Living Happily as a Humanitarian | Economist | Horologist | Engineer | Entrepreneur &....#Colognoisseur
What I Learned: Well, he uses his name as a hashtag, so not great, Bob! He also posted a fan pic with Jordan Peele to congratulate him on his Oscar win. Add in some wannabe modeling pics and a love for expensive watches and this guy has "here for the right reasons" written all over him!
Instagram Followers: 450
Insta Bio: Chicago
What I Learned: He seemed very good-natured about the way Chris Harrison described him and only appears to have joined Instagram in April, which is kind of a spoiler, we think? Oops! Anyway, he used to be one of the youngest traders on the Chicago stock exchange and now owns a grocery store. Can you imagine free groceries for life?!
Instagram Followers: 1,095
Insta Bio: Programmer by day �� Chef by night �� SF in the Bay �� Dessert makes it all right Formerly Venmo, now @ Fin
What I Learned: He's listed some of his interests as "exercise, homies, work, vball team CF, baking desserts, and (my future??) puppies." He is an amateur (keyword here!) chef it seems, who posts cooking videos online. Think elevated frat food you'd be impressed by if you were dating him in college. He was also working at Venmo in the beginning, so yeah, he's pretty successful.
Instagram Followers: 2,617
Insta Bio: To be a gentleman or a savage...
What I Learned: Do we need to go beyond that bio? OK then: The male model, shockingly, has lots of modeling shots. Very commercial. He can also run a mile in 4 minutes and 24 seconds.
Instagram Followers: 177k
Insta Bio: |NY| ▫️Wilhelmina Fit �� Real Estate Agent ✨Adventure Seeker ��Diets | Training | �� �� FitwithKam@gmail.com
What I Learned: His listed job title of "social media participant" makes a lot of sense after glancing at his page. Every photo is either a shirtless workout pic or a selfie, so we're guessing he has so many followers because #thirsttraps?
Instagram Followers: 25.4k
Insta Bio: LA, Studio City. Waterworld show at Universal Studios. 6'4". 230 lbs. Love my Mom. :)
What I Learned: The kind of guy you talk yourself out of liking after looking at his page, sadly. His current profile photo is of him wearing an unbuttoned Yankees uniform, holding a baseball bat. So that's a choice. He posts a lot of photos from his Waterworld performances, which he calls the #bestjobever. Some of his minor acting credits include American Horror Story, SMILF and You're the Worst. I wonder if this is what Tommy Wiseau believes he looks like in his mind?
Instagram Followers: 3,997
Insta Bio: twitter : Lincoln_LikeAbe
What I Learned: OK, how weird is this: he pushes to his Twitter via his bio…but he's never tweeted?! Whatever. Per Linkedin, he was in Signa Phi Epsilon at University of Kentucky, and was also in a chess club. Per Chris Harrison, we can expect Lincoln, who made a pretty good first impression during After the Final Rose when he called Arie a "wanker," to cause a lot of drama. So beware the Moose?! (We spent far too much time trying to figure out his ongoing use of that hashtag before just tapping out. We're not paid enough for that s--t.)
Instagram Followers: 1,778
Insta Bio: Livin like Larry
What I Learned: Another guy I am one degree separated from! A friend who went to high school with Mike told me he was very quiet, had a buzz-cut and was the star basketball player. He seems like the kind of guy who would write "KIT" in your yearbook and genuinely mean it? He has a very cute dog named Riggins, so A+ taste in TV shows. He's a Senior Analyst at Pro Football Focus, so another big sports guy, but seems to know his stuff well enough to be verified on Twitter.
Instagram Followers: 2,722
Insta Bio: Orlando, FL
What I Learned: Nick is the Bachelorette embodiment of the guy you are ashamed to admit you were obsessed with in high school but would totally still make out with at the 10-year reunion. All you need to know about Nick, aside from the fact that he's a lawyer, is that his first Instagram photo ever is a fan pic with Flava Flav. And his second photo was one of the Vegas Strip. Surprised his job title isn't "pro bro" and I would bet 50 dollars that he's seen Wolf of Wall Street over 10 times.
Insta Bio: Founder and CEO of @413_Apparel �� TEAM @bodybuildingcom Athlete �� @rickeylaneii ☀️ San Diego, CA �� 4:13 APPAREL!!!��
What I Learned: Lots of workout pics. Lots of shirtless mirror selfies. Lots of motivational captions. Lots of talk about his obsession with pizza aka definitely his cheat meal of choice. Per his website, his company's name is stand4:14 because it "stands for Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Instagram Followers: 5,849
Insta Bio: If you want to know what I'm all about listen to this hell of a ride
What I Learned: He loves his banjo (which he played during After the Final Rose, making up a song for Becca), being on the water and travel in his Land Rover. He also used to rock a man-bun.
Instagram Followers: 1,780
Insta Bio: Mia-LA Established working runway/print model. Front management/Posche models
What I Learned: Not sure if you could tell from his Insta bio but he is a model! Seems more commercial than "runaway" to me, but what would a 5'1" basic b--ch like me know about modeling? The best thing is that he is a model for the cover of romance novels. Not long-haired Leo. Not long-haired Mike. This guy. Anyway, per Linkedin he's also real estate agent.
Instagram Followers: n/a
Insta Bio: n/a
What I Learned: The dude seems to have ghosted the Internet, deactivating all of his previously known accounts. However, we found his Linkedin and learned he once worked at TMZ! Is he trying to get a Hallmark movie based on his experience green-lit?! He was also an Eagle Scout for 10 years and does improve at Groundlings Theatre.
The Bachelorette premieres Monday, May 28 at 8 p.m. on ABC.