Everybody ready to GLOB?
Tonight's episode of The Bachelor decided it was the right time to take on the task of exploring two major moments in pop culture: the 80s women's wrestling series GLOW (not the excellent Netflix series about the 80s women's wrestling series), and the 2000 Christopher Guest classic Best in Show.
While last week's dates showed off Arie's love of cars and adrenaline and giving overly expensive gifts he didn't actually pay for(?), this week's dates showed off little to nothing about the man other than the fact that he likes dogs, he can't wrestle, and he wears cardigans.
He is OK at letting go of ladies who he's not feelin' it with, but really bad at expressing those feelings, which left kind of a bad aftertaste at the end of those two very long hours.
First, the wrestling. A bunch of the women were supposed to wrestle each other with coaching from two actual stars of GLOW, but those real life 80s wrestlers were mean. Little Egypt made fun of Bibiana's mother for not being able to spell names, and after just fighting with Krystal last week, Bibiana was not about all these people attacking her.
Tia was also not enjoying those insults, and for a while, Bibiana and Tia cried together while Bekah was all "What, have you never watched WWE?" Then Tia and Bibiana got over it, and all was well, until it was revealed that Arie also had to wrestle actual wrestler Kenny, from last season of The Bachelorette.
Ladies and gentlemen, Arie cannot wrestle. He got obliterated. Honestly, Kenny should have been awarded the role of Bachelor, but that's apparently not how this works.
Bibiana and Tia ended up having a great time as Bridezilla and Southern Belle, but our fave of the night was Maquel as the Lunch Lady, up against Young Bekah, the Sex Kitten. Lunch Lady prevailed.
Post date, Krystal wasted no time in reminding us she's the wooooorst. She stole Arie away immediately (to their private airstreams?), even asking him just how aggressive she should be on these group dates. Like should she just kick back, or kick…forward? "Just be yourself," he told her, perhaps not knowing that herself is insufferable.
Arie also had a moment with Bekah, whose age we will never forget. She is 22 (according to her intro in episode 1). He is 14 years older than she is. 14 years! He's adult enough to have had a career and then started a second career, and she's a year into legal drinking, and that's the only thing we could think about as she hopped onto his lap to make out with him.
"You were outstanding today, and tonight, you were amazing," he said very descriptively as he gave her the date rose.
Krystal was confused that anyone else could possibly get a rose besides her, and the rest of us were just feelin' kinda gross.
The next day, Krystal expressed some thoughts. Apparently, lots of girls don't like her, essentially because she's so great. She's so strong and she's had to carry so much, and she knows she's meant to be with Arie and The Bachelor is just a thing that has to happen.
Elsewhere, Arie and Lauren S. managed to find a place in Napa Valley that wasn't destroyed by the fires that ravaged the area last year. We're pretty sure Lauren S. hadn't spoken yet on this show before this date, and Arie admitted he didn't know much about her, but she's beautiful, she's mature, she's got a great job, and Lauren S. is exactly what Arie's looking for in a potential wife.
They drank wine and had a riveting conversation about sleeping habits.
Lauren S. needs her sleep but she doesn't really need to sleep in, ya know, and Arie is a guy who goes to bed early and wears cardigans and oh, would you look at that, we're asleep right now.
Arie wanted to know how Lauren S. came to come here on this show (his words, and also hers), and we could not repeat the story for you. Something about her career and a relationship lacking in romance and her mom had an eye infection? Not sure she could really explain the story either, because when she had the chance to comment on her own performance, she wouldn't have given her own self the rose.
"I love that you love your family," Arie told her before dumping her. And then there was one (Lauren), and several women in the house were truly devastated to lose her. Krystal was not one of those women, but she was happy to speak for the entire house about how much they'll miss Lauren S., and how she advised Lauren S. to open up and be vulnerable but clearly Lauren S. didn't take her advice.
Anyway, the next date card read "Love is ruff," and most of the normal human women freaked the f—k out at the very prospect of hanging out with dogs. But there was one woman who was nearly in tears, due to the fact that she had a traumatic experience with a dog. Surprise! It was the same woman who had a traumatic experience with a bumper car!
Annaliese, girl, is there anything from your childhood that's not traumatic?
The dog date ended up being a dog show at busy Los Angeles landmark The Grove.
"I love dogs, so it would be awesome to have a woman that shares that interest," Arie said. Cool.
The performance itself involved the women wearing costumes and getting the dog to jump through heart-shaped hoops while random children wandered on stage and Chris Harrison commentated with Best In Show star, Fred Willard.
"I'm such a fan of the show," Fred Willard claimed.
Everything was terrible. So terrible that they barely showed us footage of the show itself.
After the date, Chelsea was really happy about the person she's become, Jenna thinks Arie knows what he wants and she likes that, and Annaliese thinks the word "aggressive" has a space in the middle of it.
The real stand out of the post-date chit chat was Becca (the other one, not the young one), who honestly seems perfect for Arie. They're both basic people who think they're dorks and we don't get the urge to fast forward when they're talking to each other. But for some reason he gave the rose to Chelsea. Whatever!
The cocktail party was all about Bibiana, according to Bibiana. Sitting in a cabana gazing at the stars, that's Bibiana, and so she set up a little seating area with a telescope…which Arie promptly pretended to discover and then enjoy with all the other women. Sorry, Bibiana.
One of those other women was Bekah, who is still 22 years old no matter how much she calls Arie out on.
"You know I don't need you," she told Arie about why he's so attracted to her, which is apparently also why he's attracted to moms. (Help.)
For his talk with Tia, Arie had a couple of hay bales and a jar of moonshine brought in, which seems like a lot for one girl when he used someone else's set up for all the other girls. They had a great time and Tia is "smitten."
While Tia got hay and alcohol, Annaliese got "I just don't think we're there yet." She asked for a kiss, and she got DENIED, which is incredibly rude and while we've made fun of her for her childhood traumas, we are on Team Annaliese in this case, especially when he's on the couch making out with women who can barely form sentences.
Annaliese went back to ask him directly, and he admitted he didn't see a future with her. Bye Annaliese! Please go see a therapist!
Anyway, the rose ceremony gave roses to most of the expected women, the women Arie made out with, and a few women who have barely gotten any screentime at all. Bibiana didn't get a rose, but she did, apparently get a ticket to Bachelor Winter Games, so perhaps she's better off.
In the end, that felt six hours long. And not in a good way.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.