Courtesy Gallery BooksAmy Schumer, what did we do to deserve you?
For years now you've been keeping all of us entertained with your endless humor, whether it be on HBO or Comedy Central or the big screen. Your jokes are dirty, your jokes are honest, your jokes are the very embodiment of all of us. But now, the comedian is trying her hand at something a little different and a little more...literary.
That's right, we speak of her book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo. The tome hit shelves last week and her many fans are starting to comb through its many prolific pages. And we do mean prolific! Sure, there's the requisite dirty jokes, but the bulk of the book digs deep into Schumer's life and success and offers up plenty of advice to cull from. In fact, we think it's fair to say that she might be our new sage. A guru. A Svengali, if you will.
And now it's time to share the wealth. We certainly recommend a full and detailed reading of the memoir—complete with highlighted passages, margin notes and discussion questions at your next book club meeting, preferably—but in the meantime it's worth parsing out her most insightful mantras. These are the best (or sage-iest, if you will), ranked by their usefulness in your life, of course.
13. The thing I own the most of is wine, but please send more.
A noble, noble creed to live by, but one which most of us probably are living by already.
12. You will not determine my story, I will.
This is inspiring, but we'd also like more details on the how portion of determining your own story.
11. I have never had anal sex. (I would be willing, but they say you can't eat for a couple hours beforehand, and I don't see that happening.)
This quote is both inspiring in so far as her willingness to say no to things, and useful in so far as the tip about eating.
10. I don't know how introverts survived without the Internet.
Between every inspiring mantra, you need one that is going to spawn discussion among your friends.
9. I've been skydiving but I didn't like it because you have to jump out a f--king plane.
This is useful because now we will never waste our time wondering if we should go skydiving.
8. I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I'm beautiful.
No witty commentary here; just some good-old-fashioned empowerment.
7. Have you ever been hiking and had someone run past you downhill? I secretly root for them to tumble to their—as far as I'm concerned—timely death.
Consider this permission to deeply pass judgment against all those you will come across in life who seek to make you feel badly about your own fitness levels.
6. People who say 'I eat to live, I don't live to eat.' I wish all ten plagues upon your house.
Consider this permission to deeply pass judgment against all those you will come across in life who seek to make you feel badly about your own eating habits.
5. Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy. It means you enjoy being alone.
Suddenly, being an introvert looks incredibly appealing.
4. The two things I always decline, every single time they are offered to me, are cocaine and ham.
Well this is just smart advice. Who eats ham anyways?
3. I will say 'shhh' and no one is exempt. I once shushed Vin Diesel.
This mantra is twofold. First, don't talk during movies. Second, don't be Vin Diesel.
2. You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at dinner.
May you never accept a dish without the extra guacamole you asked for again!
1. I am not my mother.
This. Is. The. Most. Groundbreaking. Thing. Anyone. Could. Ever. Tell. Us.