by Jenna Mullins | Wed., Jul. 30, 2014 11:03 AM
So Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom got beef with each other. We just assumed that Orlando saw the Biebs and, like a majority of the population, felt the need to punch him in the face. But reportedly it's over Orlando's ex-wife Miranda Kerr, who was rumored to have gone on a date with Bieber after a Victoria's Secret fashion show back when she was still married to Bloom.
Now if that's the case, we really need Miranda to take a long, hard look at how Justin and Orlando compare when it comes to the important relationship traits. And then we need her to take a long, hard look in the mirror if she still believes Justin to be the more desirable candidate.
And this research is also for anyone out there who is actually debating who they would choose if Orlando and Justin were fighting over them.
Think about your life choices!
The Breakdown: This is a no brainer, in our humble opinion. Orlando may have more feminine features than say, Gerard Butler, but he's still hot. Despite being past his teen years, Justin somehow still manages to look just one, and only one day over 15.
Getty Images; Disney
The Breakdown: Justin Bieber's music career has taken a backseat for the past year due to all his alleged shenanigans (egging, DUI, etc.), but his rabid fan base still keeps him relevant. Orlando has been part of some of the biggest movies franchises of the past 20 years (Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean), and he was Hollywood's hottest commodity back in the day, but he hasn't had a big starring role in years.
The Breakdown: Forbes estimates that Justin Bieber is worth well into the $130 million range, while Orlando Bloom sits comfortably at a cool $30 million net worth. But numbers are numbers so…
4. Fashion Sense
Getty Images; Fameflynet
The Breakdown: Justin favors pants that look like full, saggy diapers and giant, ridiulous hats. Orlando has proved time and time again he can rock a nice suit like it's going out of style. Which it won't.
Getty Images; Zumapress.com
6. Past Relationships
The Breakdown: Orlando was married to a super-hot model and he dated the beautiful Kate Bosworth for many years. Justin somehow landed Selena Gomez (more than once), which is a plus for him. But it looks like Orlando might also be dabbling in Selena-ville, too.
7. Amount of Douchey Selfies on Social Media
Getty Images; Instagram
The Breakdown: Bieber has too many. Orlando has zero, we think. Keep it up, Orly!
8. Ability to Shoot an Arrow Like a Badass (or At Least Look Like You Can)
Getty Images; New Line Cinema
The Breakdown: OK, now we're getting super-specific and our bias is starting to show. Whatever, this is an important trait to factor in and there is an obvious winner here.
Winner: Legolas! Also known as Orlando
9. General Manliness
Getty Images; AKM-GSI
The Breakdown: Orlando looks so good when he's running around all sweaty, fighting pirates and shooting orcs. But that's partly to do with movie magic. Justin, on the other hand, is about as tough as a baloney sandwich. But on the other hand, a 37-year-old man felt the need to take a swing at a 20-year-old kid when he could have taken the high road. Not a good look for Bloom.
Winner: Orlando, but we're shaking our head at how you stooped to his level
AKM-GSI; Splash News
The Breakdown: Justin has 94 of them, by our estimate. And some of them are just awful and confusing. And while Orlando has that unfortunate belly tattoo, he also has the tat he got with his LoTR costars to commemorate the brutal filming. Isn't that sweet?
11. Lack of Creepy Facial Hair
Jemal Countess/John Shearer/Getty Images
The Breakdown: Justin's itty-bitty mustache haunts our dreams. Orlando looks good when he's scruffy.
Conclusion: Never pick Justin Bieber over Orlando Bloom. Never.
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