by John Boone | Mon., Jun. 17, 2013 5:16 PM
C'mon, people. Stop disrespecting fast food. This is why we can't have nice things.
This has been an absolutely insane few weeks in fast-food news. First it was the employees licking taco shells and guzzling Frosties (fired and fired, respectively), then it was the customers going insane and threatening to blow up Dunkin' Donuts from Mars over a Strawberry Coolatta.
And now, this video of a Wendy's customer "losing [his] s--t" over a cheeseburger. Excuse us, hamburger.
(Warning: This video contains explicit, potentially NSFW language.)
Why are people getting so mad about fast food?! It's just fast food, people!
"Is there cheese in hamburger? There's no cheese in hamburger," this man screams at the employee working the drive-thru, who should have yelled back, "Is there walking in drive-thrus? There's no walking in drive-thrus."
The man, who received a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger and wants his money back fast ("Fast!"), continued berating the employee, "When you have a cheeseburger, you have a cheeseburger. If you have hamburger, you have hamburger."
(If anyone is still having trouble comprehending the difference between a hamburger and cheeseburger, just order the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. It's better anyway.)
In light of this most recent incident, we decided to provide a step-by-step guide on how to properly go about getting fast food.
1. Decide what type of food you are craving and select your prefered restaurant. For example, if you are craving "Mexican" food, go to Taco Bell. If you are craving "Chinese" food, perhaps try Panda Express. Drive to this location. For the sake of this guide, we will assume you are ordering inside the restaurant, though the process is basically the same for drive-thru service.
2. If you know what you would like to eat, approach the register. If you have not yet decided, there is probably an enlarged menu hanging above the counter. Stand to the side, as to not block anyone from approaching the register, while you make up your mind. Note: Do not wait until you are at the register to decide. This is generally considered rude.
3. Relay your order to the employee working at the register. If you are feeling extra polite, feel free to add in a, "Hi, howareya?" before placing your order. The employee will most likely just say "Great, thanks" and not relay their entire life story to you, so fear not. While placing your order, be as specific as possible about what you would like and not like on your food. Use phrases such as, "Could I get no onions on that, please?" or "Could you add onions to that, please?" If you are confused, ask questions. This is a safe place ("Does that come with onions?")
4. The cashier will often respond with, "So that's a [insert order here]." Listen. If this does not match up with what you had said, refrain from responding, "No, bitch! I said I want a hamburger." Instead, politely correct the error in the order.
5. Exchange whatever currency you will be using to pay for this order (fast food is not free, cash and major credit cards are accepted).
6. Wait patiently while your food is being prepared. It is called fast food, not instant food. A short delay between ordering and receiving is acceptable.
7. When you recieve your food, check to make sure the order is correct. Accidents happen! If the order is correct, say, "Thank you" and proceed to enjoying your food. If the order is not correct, move on to step 8.
8. If the order is not correct, kindly ask an employee to fix the problem. An example of how to broach this topic is, "Excuse me. I asked for a hamburger minus the hamburger patty and with extra onions. Basically, I just want onions on a bun. And this has a hamburger patty. Would you mind fixing that?" If you do not swear at the employee, threaten them or physically assault them, they will likely fix the issue immediately. No problem.
9. Do not, under any circumstances swear at the employee, threaten that employee of physically assault that employee. You are at a fast-food restaurant. No matter how badly your order is messed up, it is not worth looking like a sociopath. We repeat: You are at a fast-food restaurant, ya nut. Calm down. Eat a fry. Take a breathe.
10. If you believe you cannot follow these simple steps, do not eat at a fast-food restaurant. Stay at your home and watch TV to try and learn how to act like a real human being. Practice in the mirror. Once perfected, direct yourself to step 1.
Fast-food employees, please consult your employee handbook as to how to work fast food without being completely disgusting.
As for how to properly use the drive-thru, that's a lesson for another day. But quick pro tip: Don't drive your car through the actual restaurant, like one person did. That is taking the term drive-thru far too literally.
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