Jon Hamm, Kim Kardashian

Larry Busacca/Getty Images; Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I was wondering your opinion on the subject  of Jon Hamm vs. Kim Kardashian? The problem is not who is the person, the problem is what you say about that person and how you talk about her. If Mr. Hamm were a school child, he would be punished for calling a classmate "stupid," because after all, that word opens spaces to greater aggression. In fact, the United Nations in its campaign, "End Violence Against Women," has clearly established that psychological and verbal violence is the first step to other types of violence. In my opinion: nobody has the right to denigrate another person to think or do different things.
YYW from Caracas          

Dear Battle Cry:
I think you just came up with Kim Kardashian's most promising returning salvo. Both Kim and Jon have said plenty so far. Actually, let me rephrase that: I think Jon has said plenty so far. Kim's obviously saving the best for last, don't worry, it will come—and then both Kim and Jon get what they've both wanted all along—to be right (and even more famous). For the record, I think Jon's being too hard on Kim, who never pretended to be anything she's not. And I do not say that just because I also work at E!, I say it because I think there should be many different types of fame and Hamm's being far too exacting on what constitutes celebrity.

Dear Ted:
Any updates on Butter Pussy?

Dear Sticky Situation:
It's gotten to be kind of a mess at Butter's house (or houses). She's not exactly regretting her decision never to come out—just thought life would be a little easier that she didn't—but it's not. The many loves of Butter are clamoring for attention and it's driving her nutso, not to mention towards some renewed old bad habits, like making sure that closet door is cemented shut.

Dear Ted:
Greetings from San Francisco! I have two questions! First, is Billy Bend-Over American? Also, can we have some more info on Charlotte "Chuck" Finger Dingle? She's been on my mind for the longest!

Dear U.S. of Ass:
Yes. And what would you like to know about Chuck, exactly? That she could not give a rat's butt about what you might or might not want to know about her? Really, like more than any other actress in this town, which is saying quite a bit.              

Dear Ted:
Hey old friend! Love that Blind Vice about that beef-cakey, super-talented Mr. Stealth Stud-Poof. It is time for him to make a comeback. Wonder if the BF is the same legendary BF in the old Vice or a different one. He must have been really hot and loving either way…to deserve such affection! Reminds me of Toothy Tile and Grey Goose!

Dear Lover's Leap:
Now, that would really be something if it was the same man, huh? Like, totally extraordinary, ‘cause who actually stays together these days? Apparently, the gays do, including Stealth and his man.

Dear Ted:
You are adorable. So my guess for Billy Bend-Over is (drum roll please or maybe bongo beats?) Matthew McConaughey He seems to fit the clues rather nicely and his butt does, too. On a personal note: Thank you for your encouragement and continued inspiration. I am now ciggy free.

Dear Butt Babe:
Congrats on being cig-free, me, too! As for M2, nope, ain't him, but think very similarly acting and physical attribute-wise.

Dear Ted:
Is Portia Vajazzle carrying a baby in her belly?

Dear Stork Stupid:
Nope, just a burger or two. Gal's as normal as they come.

Dear Ted:
Hope all is well with you! Sitting here with my rescue Beagle, Sadie, she's also a huge fan! We were wondering if you would reveal or give any clues as to what Brittany Murphy's moniker was. It's been years, so it's not that delicate a topic anymore. Paws crossed!
Tracy & Sadie

Dear Sadie's Mom:
I will tell you this, Trace, Brittany was not Jordache Junky, as many, many people commonly thought.

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