Shia LaBeouf

Elder Ordonez/

Dear Ted:
My curiosity has gotten the best of me. Where in the world is Shia LaBeouf? Have his Vicey ways been keeping him out of the public eye? Thanks!

Dear Vice Got Your Tongue:
Hardly, babe. More likely he's "in hiding"—or just laying low for a bit between projects—in order to get his mug (and mug shot) out of the tabloids. Because Shia's Vicing is usually what keeps him in the public eye, actually.

Dear Ted:
How is Shar-Shar Max doing these days? Is she officially done with Pussy Gabor? Is she healthy and happy?

Dear Triple No:
No, she's not done with Puss. No, she's not healthy. And no, she's not happy. Does that give you a good idea of how she's doing, doll?

Dear Ted:
So if delicious Marky Sweet-Puss is only pretending to love that witch Cruella St. Shackles, does he really love someone else?

Dear Shackled Down:
Who has the time! Not Marky, who puts so much effort into staying on Cruella's good side that he'd be lucky to even get some side action, let alone fall in love. He is the one getting more out of this marriage, after all. He kinda needs Cru.

Dear Ted:
Tell us, loyal AT readers, this: Is Priscilla Desert's desert still "dry," as you mentioned a couple of years ago, or did the gal finally give in to some mattress fun? Let's hope so!
—Love, Cami

Dear Is That a Mirage?
Oh, Ms. Pris is still feeling underwhelmed in the bedroom department, all right. To go with your analogy, Ms. Desert may have taken a few sips from a particularly naughty pond, but she never took the plunge.

Dear Ted:
My rescue Mr. Kitty and I read you all the time. I think Mr. Kitty has a crush on you. Mr. Kitty does have a crush on Jackie Bouffant and is pleased he found happiness. But should he have to do traveling for one of his films, do you think this will be a case of while the cat is away, the mouse will play? We love you.
—Mr Kitty & Me

Dear No:
Surprisingly, this one is a keeper for Jackie. Well, for now, at least.

Dear Ted:
Are we ever going to learn who these people are…I'm terrible at figuring them out. Would buying you a drink help?

Dear Nice Try:
Well, since I don't drink (alcohol), probably not. But I do accept major credit cards.

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