Bitch-Back! Which Glee Kids Will Sing a Swan Song?

Readers are curious about how the cast will fair in H’wood

By Ted Casablanca Dec 08, 2010 12:34 PMTags
Glee, Lea Michele, Naya RiveraRay Mickshaw/FOX

Dear Ted:
You often refer to the Glee kids as being very focused on their fame. But which of the castmembers would you say is the most fame hungry?
—Rosie

Dear Gleek Down:
Let's just say this: Lea Michele is going to be a star, and she doesn't care who gets in her way in the process. But at least, she's clawing her way up the H'wood ranks using talent and not staging paparazzi photo shoots and phony PR BS, right? That's more than some of her more desperate costars can say.

Dear Ted:
Having seen the Glee gang perform live? I don't understand the extra TV time Naya Rivera is getting. Her voice clearly hasn't improved on the show, and she really isn't that interesting! What's the deal?
Kate

Dear Raging Rivera:
Aw, don't be so hard on N, Kate. Her version of "Valerie" wasn't half bad and Santana isn't the most insufferable character on that show my any means. Oh, and I guess this Naya is one of the more fame hungry Gleeks that Rosie was asking about.

Dear Ted:
I have a question about one of my favorite actors: Johnny Depp. I've been hearing all sorts of horrible rumors since he's been costarring with Angelina Jolie about his being unfaithful, and there possibly being a repeat of the whole Angelina/Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston sitch. I like to think that Mr. Depp would do no such thing, but you would know better than I do. The only person I would gladly see him leaving his gal and kids for is me. (However, seeing as I'm 15 I doubt that dream will come to pass). This may seem like a trivial question, but for a super fan please answer! Hoping you are well and wishing you and your coworkers a wonderful holiday season!
—Lily

Dear Mrs. Depp:
Probably wouldn't have bothered with Ange-overload, but you're très adorable, so I'll clue you in: Angie is going to spark those homewrecker rumors (whether seriously or jokingly) on any set with a People's sexiest man close by. But you don't have to worry about Johnny and Vanessa Paradis. The Tourist is no Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Doesn't look half as good either, actually.

Dear Ted:

I am a big ANTM fan, and I was wondering what the deal with Tyra Banks is! She seems so well rounded professionally yet we never really hear any dish about her personal life. What's the inside scoop! Any Blind Vice hiding inside that huge model closet?
mariela10monegro

Dear Me, Me, B.V.:
Unless her ego suddenly became a big, H'wood secret, then Ty's got nothing to Vice. She's all about her biz, which means that her personal life—and whatever rumors that may accompany it—are put on the back burner.

Dear Ted:
You said Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles know each other's Blind Vices my question is does Danneel Harris? That would make it interesting!
—Yorkie

Dear SuperFreak:
I've said it once and I'll say it again: Danneel is definitely smarter than you think—which means that of course she knows what Vicey habits her husband has hidden in his closet. She's not an angel either.

Dear Ted:
Fernando Tinkle-Treat
. (A) Ew. But at least it's not No. 2, right? (B) You think the ball and chain lets him tinkle on her?  (C) Does she have a BV nickname?
—Nee

Dear Pissed Miss:
(A) Guess so. Super Duper-Cooper still wins the ickiest bedroom habits ever, but this ain't no ray of golden sunshine either. (B) Probably, but then again if Fernando was getting all his tinkle time in at home he might not stray as much. (C) No.

Dear Ted:
I am a volunteer dog walker at the animal shelter. It breaks my heart everyday that I can't take them all home from there and today was especially tough. So maybe you could help me solve a riddle? Oded sounds super sensitive to getting found out. So is he currently stirring up news with a beard? If so, is his beard needing him for the same, or what reason does she have to do it?
—C

Dear Ded Weight:
Not so much a beard as a string of floozy females. It works so much better for him that way, no commitment so he doesn't even have to pretend he's not sleeping around with every chick and dick that he wants.

Dear Ted:
Maribeth Bush
wouldn't happen to be Jennifer Love Hewitt, would she? My rescue golden retriever, Bailey, barked something that sounded like "desperate" this morning and it just came to me. Thanks!
—Katie

Dear Vice Whisperer:
Nope! Jen is just happy she's still working...She's definitely not getting her diva ‘tude on behind the scenes. Maribeth knows she's a hot commodity, which is why she thinks she can be a total beyotch.

Dear Ted:
I love you Ted, and Guiliana, Kat and some of your other E! colleagues so it pains me to watch or read you guys go on insincerely about how fab the Kardashians are. It seems only Joel and Joan have the guts (ahem, permission from Ryan) to call those skanks like they see 'em. The idea that Kim is a goddess was manufactured on E!. Most men I know thinks she's a cheap porn star with an annoying baby voice, no brains and a fat ass—basically a total pig.
—SeaBee

Dear Awfully Bothered:
How about you lighten up, S. What did the Kardashians ever do to you? And trust me, Kim is a helluva lot smarter than you think—how else do you think she laughed her way to a friggin empire? So you can pucker up and kiss her "fat ass" for all she cares.

Dear Ted:
Does anyone really believe that Bristol Palin wrote the "responses" to Margaret Cho and Kathy Griffin? Bristol has the vocabulary of a 10th grader and can't seem to form coherent sentences when asked direct questions, but we're supposed to believe that she, a 20 year old, knows who kd lang and the Indigo Girls are? It's pretty obvious that a middle-aged, homophobic, narrow-minded, conservative, male speechwriter is writing her emails. That guy that writes for her mom, because she's to busy reading all the newspapers she claims that she reads.
—Miss P

Dear Pain in the Palin:
Of course, she had a little help in the vocab (and, ya know, writing) department, but haven't you figured out by now that insulting is the Palin way? She probably didn't need help with that; she learned it all from her mama grizzly, Sarah.

Dear Ted:
I just wanted you to know that we appreciate all the s--t you put up with from they who shall not be named's fandom, and there are a lot of us supporting you! So, can I ask: Has Brock Rock-Buns ever been an unnamed player in someone else's B.V., or is he fresh to the whole Vice world?
—Zen

Dear Six-Pack Secrets:
Brock knows his way around a Vice, that much I'll say.